Thursday, November 25, 2004

Stop Making Lists Rollingstone

At least when VH1 makes a greatest list we as an audience get to watch people make funny comments or make relevent side notes. Rollingstone just nails you with a endless text stream of absurdity. I mean man do their lists suck ass. I thought it was impossible to top the 100 guitarists list. I mean Kurt Cobain was top twenty and he cant play his own simple tunes. Jonny Ramone made an appearance and thats funny because it was in the same very magazine that i read about the fact that though the man could write some catchy riffs he couldnt even play without looking down so at concerts he had to take turns singing and playing. Of course, all these list makers always constrict criticism by using the word "greatest." Its not the best by any means, just the "greatest" whatever the fuck that means. Oh, it has to be popular and blah blah. Fuck that. Is it a good song or isnt it? Regardless this list is a freaking joke. I know the Beatles are one of the greats but that doesnt mean that we cant go ten songs on the list without hitting another one of their songs. And yeah they're good but give me a break "i want to hold your hand," "penny lane," and "all you need is love" sucked. Not overrated. Just flat out sucked. And who came up with this fuck the 90's mentality? Personally i think that the 90's shit all over any other decade. 22 songs out of 500. I mean thats just ridiculuous. And even the representation is typical hackneyed bullshit. "Smells like teen spirit" sucked. Sucked huge monster cock. Its not a good song and its not a great song. All you retards that convinced yourselves that Nirvana were some kind of super heroes and without them music would have perished into a hair metal abyss are morons. With all that said if the list just had those faults i wouldnt have cared. I would have considered it another joke like the guitarists list. So what if Tool isnt on it? That would be an insult to them. So like i said the list was deplorable but insignificant in my eyes. That was until i reached 180. 180 is where Rollingsone broke the camals back. Oh, yes. They sure did it. Hey Ya! A personal fuck you Gabor, fuck you up the ass! Hey Fucking Ya??!! Are you joking me? Out of all the wonderful Outkast songs you had to plague your list by putting the song by them on there that summerizes everything that went wrong with Outkast. Dear god. You make me sick Rollingstone. Fuck the Grammys. If Outkast split up and make another lame ass album like Love Below im blaming it on you Rollingstone.  "Often Andre sounds like he's trying to make an album that's more eccentric than he actually is -- and that's saying a lot." - Rollingstone. Fucking hypocrits. You sicken me.

Saturday, October 30, 2004

The Death of Childhood

2000 years ago the average life span was fourty, fifty years old. An 18 year old was not only an adult but was close to middle age. Children hit puberty around the age of nine to twelve. They were parents at 20. Grandfathers by fourty five and dead some five years later. These days with the evolution of technology has come the biological evolution of the race. We live to about 80 years. Some children don't hit puberty until seventeen or even later. At eighteen you are declared an adult but are only a fourth of the way through your life. You aren't expected to be thinking about children. In fact, society is shocked when teens have children. You're expected to be independent but are too young to make singnificant money. At 23 you have just grown fully into your adult body. Your childhood is over and you have 60 years of work and misery ahead of you. Going at this rate in a couple of hundred years people will live to over 100 and 18 year olds will still be labeled adults. By then kids wont be hitting puberty until mid twenties but they'll be thrown into the work force to toil for the next 80 years. Slowly we are causing the death of childhood. We live longer. We mature later. The solution seems obvious. Increase the legal age considered to be an adult. Have kids start kindergarden at 9 instead of 6 and children will graduate at 21 instead of 18. Four years of college to accomadate to the real world and at 25, 26 you enter the real world. You still have a good 55 years left in you to serve society. So why not relish the good old days? True parents will have to support their children for longer but their parents would have done the same for them. And i think the parents deep down agree with me and want to spend as much time as they can with their creations before they move on. Everyone is happier. Of course, you say that if the legal age is increased then provelages that sixteen year olds enjoy now like driving would have to postponed. Fine with me. The less responsibility the better. How can the children be the future if the children are the past?

Jack Nicholson Sickens Me

Let me get this straight. Jack Nicholson is not only a Lakers fan, but revealed during one of the Yankees Vs. Sox games hes also a Yankees fan. Dear god. Does the man have no shame? Thats not one but two bandwaggons he shamelessly hopped onto. The Patriots are without a doubt probably his favorite football team. And one would presume that the Devil's would convienently be his favorite hockey team, but i argue that he has no favorite hockey team. You see Jack is not satisfied with rooting for the most popular team in each league he has to bring it one step further and only root for the favorite team in the favorite sports. Since hockey does not make the top three of Americas favorite sports I would say that Jack probably wants nothing to do with the sport in its entirety. When asked which of his parents he was more fond of he would ask his sibblings their opinions first. He replaced his Beatles cds in the 70's with ABBA albums. His favorite movie is whatever is at the top of the box office at the time. And of  course on his awards shelf his Oscars are collecting dust in the back blocked from view by his polished People's Choice Awards. Sickening.

Friday, October 8, 2004

Condom Island

This is a story I've told many people but based in public appeal im posting it.

When i was about twelve YMCA, my summer camp, had a field trip to go paddling on a canal in downtown New Orleans. The house along side this man made canal are broken into two catagories. The richest houses in the U.S. and projects. It was Marx's essay on have and have nots in living model. Either way, my boat contained me and one of the councelors so we were ahead of everyone except this one group of crazy boy scout kids trying to win the race that didnt exist. "Can we stop at that little island for lunch?" ask the two campers. "Sure, that looks like a great spot because no one will be able to pass us up by accident without noticing," replies the councelor. So the two campers friskly paddle to the little island with one tree on it in the middle of this canal. They leap out of the boat and run to the tree in the middle which is only a few steps. Once in the shade of the tree me and the councelor see them crash backward slipping together on something, but as their backs hit they appear to bouce up a couple of times coming to a smooth halt. The councelor gives out a sigh of relief. Thank god something broke their fall he thinks. We paddle up to help them when the situation becomes clear. Besides the one tree, this island consists of two things. Dirty matresses and condoms. I mean the ground was covered with a layer of rubbers maybe half a foot deep. Like this tree shed rubbers instead of leaves every fall. "Oh my god!" says I "It's fucking condom island!"

Now I know some people are beastly enough to screw in public bathrooms, but not even the bathroom at camp fat ass kids can be compared to this monstrosity. The city needs to be evacutated and this piece of hell needs to be the testing site of the new atomic weapon. Hopefully we'll take out a couple of condom island visitors while we're at it cuz anyone that is disgusting enough to have sex there deserves to die. Whose kid are you bearing is a god question to ask anyone impregnated on condom island. Could be a freaking mutant. If Britney Spears herself offered herself to me on the condition that we go to condom island id pull out an automatic weapon. We can do it somewhere else she would plead. Too late for regrets now seetheart, you just advocated use of condom island. Bang. Bang. Then i explain the circumstances to the judge who shakes my hand in applause.

Sunday, October 3, 2004

The great debate

I know that the vs. arguement is the dorkiest arguement ever to come from the mouths of man. "Who would win? Superman or Spiderman." Does it matter? No matter who would win both of you dorks lose, your dignity i mean. But one such debate that is actually argueable has been bothering me for a long time. Thats the Xbox vs. PS2 debate. Im sick of people calling it the SuXbox. Well then, GayStation its time we put this on paper.

GayStation fan point 1: The Xbox controller sucks.                                      Response: Is that the best you can come up with? Oh no. Either way they came out with the S type so bite me. You think the S type sucks to? Either you're a moron or you're a liar. I actually prefer it because of the better placed and larger thumbsticks.

GayStation fan point 2: Xbox live has a monthly fee and ps online is a one time payment.                                                                                                  Response: So you payed fourty bucks to play what? Madden. And Madden? I mean thats freaking it. Some sports games on a laggy as piece of shit server. Wow. PS2 is more popular than xbox but live is more popular than online. Maybe cuz online sucks. Or PS2 people have no friends and only play single player games. Probably both.

GayStation fan point 3: PS2 has more games.                                            Response: Im not some freaking rich kid so i cant buy 100 games a year meaning that quality is over quantity. With that in mind lets compare the best console specific games in each genre. Two games can either tie or one can rape the other. Five ass rapeage points is the max. Racing: Grand Turismo vs. Project Gotham 2. Tie. No i dont give a shit if Turismo has 2000 cars and 30000 tracks. They both play well and are fun. Fighting: Tekken vs. DOA3. DOA3 triple ass rapeage. Tekken is good but DOA hands its ass to it. 3rd person action: Devil May Cry vs. Ninja Gaiden. Tie. Both are sick as hell. Platform: Jak vs. Blinx. double ass rapeage for Jak. But platform games are for little kids who need to go get a game cube. RPG: Final Fantasy vs. Fable. Who cares, RPG games are for dorks. Simple as that. Sports: same games on both. First Person Shooters: PS2 shooters combined vs. Halo. Halo quintuple ass rapeage. Get the fuck out of here, GayStation. That leaves PS2 with two ass rapeage points and Xbox with eight.  

GayStation fan point 4: All SuXbox fans talk about is grphics this and graphics that. Response: You're the one with the controller arguement.

Conclusion: Game Cube is for little kids, Xbox is for people looking for a challenging experience and to test their abilities on friends and all the people around the world. PS2 is for dorks who have no friends who spend their days in th basement making another franchise in madden, 100%ing final fantasy, or doing "ill shit" in GTA. And thats just the way it is.

Sunday, September 19, 2004

Prototype

I saw the video for "Outkast's" Prototype today for the first time. Simple Plan videos aside that might have been the shittiest video i have ever seen. I mean oh man did it suck. It didnt even look like a music video. It looked more like the pilot to some new show called "Niggatubbies." And well the song. Its on Love Below so it blows without saying, but this one is just deplorable. Its like 10 lines long. Ten really sucky lines too. "Do sumn' outta the ordinary/Like catch a manitee." Or do something not so much out of the ordinary and get back with Big Boi and stop sucking ass Dre. I know Outkast was allready on your show, Ashton, but i got a real good punk. Set up an awards show and give Outkast the "shitties album from an awesome artist, get back together or die" award. Then they get all offended. Then you come out. Then they say, "Oh come on Ashton. Not again." Then you say, "No this is the real thing. This award is very accurate. You just got punk'd...by life. Biatch." Then tears. Tears of enlightenment, hopefully.

Soft Serve God

I was sitting in the cafateria eating my lunch today when all heads were turned to see what the hell the clapping near the soft serve ice cream machine was. It was that clapping to get someone to do something challenging clapping and sure enough there stood a kid with one whole foot of soft serve swirled on his regular cone. The fact that he got a swirl that high is impressive in and of itself. However, i started thinking. Is he just going to eat that? Because that would be a pretty lame stunt to demand all that attention. I could eat that much ice cream if it put my mind to it. Oh man was i wrong. The clapping stopped. The kid opened his mouth into a gapping hole. Then all of a sudden he just shoved the entire foot long swirl down his throat and bit it off instantly. Holy Shit! I cant even brush my back teeth without gagging. This kid just shoved a foot of desert into his mouth. Second i usually get brain freeze just eating soft serve about 60% of the time. Not to mention all that sugar and pure fat. Standing ovation baby. At least from me.

Friday, September 17, 2004

Fat Chicks

Al Bundy isn’t the only one that has to deal with fat chicks. Here are some personal episodes:

 

Fat Chick: Can you pass the salt?

(I tap the kid next to me on the shoulder)

Me: Hey, am I hearing things or did that wall just say something?

 

Fat Chick (to other fat chick): I’m watching everything I eat now.

Me:  No. Like Alice you seem to have your logic confused. You’re eating everything you’re watching.

 

Fat Chick: How do I get to the dining common?

Me: Follow the other fat chicks.

 

Fat Chick: One please.

Me: You want to go up one floor?

Fat Chick: Yeah? So?

Me: That’s what they made stairs for.

Fat Chick: I hate stairs.

Me: Yeah, they probably hate you too.

 

Fat Chick (to other fat chick): Do I look fat in this dress?

Me: Unless the words following “in” in that question are replaced by “fat chick catalogue” then the answer is always yes.

 

Fat Chick: I hope you get what’s coming to you, you rude asshole.

Me: So basically you want me to see you naked?

 

Fat Chick: I’m proud of my body.

Me: On scales that large I think its called patriotism.

 

Fat Chick: Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Me: Yeah, but they’d have to be really big sticks.  

 

(Two fat chicks talking in the hallway and literally blocking it completely)

Me: Uh…open sesame?

 

Fat Chick (to other fat chick): I hate waking up in the morning.

Me: Which section is it the hardest for?

 

Fat Chick (to other fat chick): Do you think I’m fat?

Me: Is that a rhetorical question?

 

Fat Chick A: Are you taking Intro to Philosophy?

Fat Chick B: No, that class is so hard to get into.

Me: No double door, eh?

 

Fat Chick (to math teacher): I don’t understand this infinity stuff.

Me: I didn’t either until I had a visual. I owe that to you.

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Fucking Annex

My Dystopia

I think hell is the same thing as the world we live in today with one small but devistating exception. Theres no private bathrooms. Just gross, digusting public shitters. So anyone in college with one bathroom to a floor is allready in hell basically. I mean, is there anything worse that public bathrooms? Lets assume that this certain bathroom is one out of a million and there arent sticky floors and shit plastered walls. Nonetheless you still have to sit there knowing that any second the worst thing ever can happen. Whats that? Getting a stall buddy. Getting a stall neighbor is aweful. There you are just getting used to the putrid stench of your own load when the smell doubles up in your noustrils and it becomes unbearable. You wanna throw up but your ass is allready on the seat. He grunts, you gag and then repeat the procedure. At times i want to dab my fingers in my ass and snort in order to ameliorate the unphathomable stench coming from the stall over. So you finish up as quickly as possible and now you have to deal with the awkwardness of the whip. Too many whips and you know the guy is wrinkling his brow thinking is this guy pottie trained. To little and hes thinking its gross. Then theres the paper drop. Though it is rare people do miss lay ups in basketball and sometimes a gust of wind will come in right on the drop and cause you to miss the target. Its happened before at home. What happens if it happens when you have a stall buddy? What do you even do in this situation? Say, "Excuse me. Can you pass that tard wad back over." Or better yet, "Please accept my ass pamphlet as a tolken of appreciation." Run like hell and buy new shoes is what i do. That way he cant I.D. you by your kicks.

Outkast. What happened?

Remember when Outkast used to be good? Correction, awesome. Remember the beat behind Synthesizer? Remember how the song had a point? Lines like:  "Virtual reality, virtual BULLSHIT/Synthesizer preachers can reach you up in the pulpit." Chorusus on an old school Outkast song might resemble: "Something's gotta change/Sounds of laughter and happiness come from teardrops to rain/Been bearing this burden for too many of my days/Looks like breezes of Autumn done finally blew my way." Now they go something like this: " Heeeyyy... Yaaaaaaa..Heeyy Yaaaaaaaa..Heeeyyy... Yaaaaaaa..Heeyy Yaaaaaaaa..Heeeyyy... Yaaaaaaa..
Heeyy Yaaaaaaaa..Heeeyyy... Yaaaaaaa..Heeyy Yaaaaaaaa.." See the difference? Speakerboxx is ooookay. Nothing awesome but listenable. The Love Below on the other hand is an embarrasment. What the fuck are you doing, Dre? If was the teacher in an elementary school and my assignment was to write a song, and one of the students handed in a piece of paper with lines like "I know you like to thank that your shit dont stank, but lean a little bit closer see roses really smell like boo-boo." "What do you think of it Mr. Asztalos?" Well Timmy, to tell you the truth...i just swallowed a big chunk of throw up in my own mouth. I strongly suggest you question your worthiness to existence. May God have mercy on your soul. Did Dre get a lobotomy? Was he possessed by the devil right after the devil had a lobotomy? What was he thinking? Fuck the intelligent old school Outkast fan whose been there since the beginning. Heres an album dedicated to 13 year old prebubescent teenage girsl. Really dumb ones too, with no taste in music. So how does the industry act to this monstrosity? Do they question the integrity of the solo albums and try to persuade the two back together through consructive criticism? Hell no! Heres a Grammy, and some top ten lists. Stankonia, one of the best albums ever made, was good but i think we should give the grammy to the O Brothe Where Art Thou Soundtrack. It only took like 50 people to make one album with two passable songs. Then in 2003 lets give the grammy to Outkast for releasing their shittiest album ever. "Speakerboxx/Love Below's ambition flies so far beyond that of anyone doing rap right now (or pop, or rock, or R&B), awards shows may need to create a special category for it." - Entertainment Weekly. Heres a catagorey. Biggest career downward spiral of the year. Outkast wins by a wide margin.

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Comic 1

How to deal with bullies

There are subgenres of bullies. This guide will separate bullies into their appropriate catagorey and tell you how to deal with each type.

Level One: These are bullies that do nothing but try to throw insults at you. They really have no interest in physical conflict. They just want to piss you off. Parents will throw the "sticks and stones" shit at you, but heres how to really deal with them. A little of their own medicine so to speak. Let the bully keep throwing your mamma jokes at you until they start to get desperate. Jokes that dont make sense or jokes that contradict. ie: your mamma is so fat she wears two watches, one for each time zone. followed by. your mamma is so skinny she has to run around in the shower to get wet. This means its the right time to act. Turn around and face the pimpled faced loser, and then make a ringing noise with your mouth. Proceed to taking a fake cell phone out of you poket(just make the phone gesture with your hand). Answer it. "Hello. Oh, sure. Hold on a second." Cover the recieving end of the "phone" and speak to the bully. Say, "Its your mom." Then continue your "conversation" on the phone. "Oh sure, yeah. I dont want your panties. Come by and pick them up whenever you want. But you're coming over friday as usual anyway. Yeah, so get them then. And bring the twenty dollars. Ok. Bye." At this time the bully is allready mad. Thats when you hit him with it. "Oh. Hold on. I know what you're thinking. Panties. My house. You think im banging your mom. Dude, thats gross. I would never touch your fat, ugly mamma. I just let her fuck the dog for 20 bucks a hit. Speaking of which. If you ever want to meet your real father Old Rover has been dying to meet you too." Take that you bitch ass bully.

Level Two: These are more hardcore bullies. They want to fight but they need you to throw the first swing so that they can pummel you into the floor. These bullies are actually easy to deal with too. Throw the swing and let him beat the living piss out of you. Yeah, thats right. Dont worry. It will be worth it. Crawl home and call up the local Italian Hit man and have the fat fuck wacked. The clues are going to lead to you. You have motive and the hit man's number is on your speed dial. But when you get on that stand in the courtroom with fresh scars the case is yours man. This is a sample of what the conversation in the jury room will be like: "He did it. But come on people. We all had bully problems when we were kids. I know i did. Give the kid a break. What was he supposed to do? Tell? Come on. Lets let him go. This will be a real good message to all bullies across the nation." Not guilty. Sweet.

Level Three: This is a fairly new thing, but unfortunatley its happening around the world. Prepubescent little fart boys getting picked on by the blossoming teenage girls. "Do my homework or ill kill you," they say. Once again, easy to deal with. Go to Ms. Bully's house after school. Knock on the door. As soon as it opens throw her on the floor and have your way with her. Light a cigarette afterwards. We all know the only reason she was picking on you is because she wants you. What if she gets pregnant you say? Well you're the innocent little prepubescent kid who was getting picked on by this girl. Whose going to believe her story?

Level Four: Ok. This is kind of sad, but i know passive 12 year old or so kids who get picked on by the ADD crazed 6 year olds. Let me just start by saying, you're pathetic if you get picked on by someone half your age. My only advice to you is to commit suicide and end your miserable life as soon as possible. I mean. If you get picked on by the little guy. Imagine the ass fucking you'd recieve from the big man. Spare your asshole man and do yourslef a favor by doing yourslef in.

Note: DNA testing proving that your the father, life in jail, broken bones, and revolvers to the head are not my fault. What worked for me may not work for you.

   

Forgot About Bates

This is a parody of Dr. Dre's Forgot About Dre dedicated to the most hardcore X-Flyer. Chris the thug Bates.

Ya’ll know Bates.

We call him “the master” but that’s not cuz he goes on so many dates.

You wont find him at the dance club late.

Or at the gym lifting weights.

Nah, this cats got other things on his mind.

Java and calculus all the time.

If, for, else, while, sin, cosine.

People say “Bates, you need to get out more, what the hell?”

He tells me has a woman. Her names Pentium, made by Intel.

“Hi, my names Lana and I think your blue lips are fine.”

That happens like every day for him…on Sims Online.

So how you ganna run around talk about guns like Bates aint got none.

Yeah, you’re probably right. I don’t think he’s seen one at all.

That don’t mean you talk shit bodies ain’t going to fall.

Cuz Bates will beat you so bloody that you can’t see.

All that and more in Mortal Combat three.

Who else is going to tell you what forces keep the system still?

Who else is going to tell you all about Tom Bombadil?

Who else makes fun of people with so much logic involved it makes you laugh?

Who else is going to make sure Eric Frac does not make the seniors look bad in math?

Who else thinks in binary and you sit there looking for his cord?

Who else can you write retarded songs like this about when you’re bored?

 

Fuck the Chorus. You tell them how it is Bates. “No, I don’t think I should.” Come on Bates. “Well I do have some things I need to get off my chest.” Well let’s hear it.

 

Ca-ca-ca-calc is gravy.

You want me to do your homework? Fuck you, pay me.

That’s right, I said the F-word.

Cuz I wear glasses you think I never heard.

A fuck, bitch, or an asshole?

You should have heard me when Star Trek got cancelled.

So I got rejected for MIT.

I’m too good for them, it’s their policy.

So I go to Umass D.

Getting a Ph.D.

In the philosophy.

Of being a pimp ass G.

Or perhaps it was Quinn’s recommendation.

He didn’t say “Bates is a fucking genius” enough during its duration.

Yeah, and I get shot up in Halo as far as that goes.

How am I supposed to play? “THERES NO GREEN ARROWS!”

Teachers couldn’t get me to join NHS.

Quinn tried to pay me, but I said fuck it ill work at CVS.

Yeah, I’m nineteen and I can’t drive a car.

Well, I really don’t have a reason for that one yet, thus far.

That’s ok, I got a chauffer, Xiao Bin Xu.

So fucked you and you too.

This is the master. I’m out, I’m through.

 

FHS Jeopardy

So i was watching celebrity jeopardy on SNL and i decided to come up with a similar skit involving people that used to go to FHS. If your name is Debayan, Sara, or Xiao i make fun of you like no other. Dont like it? Tough shit. If you didnt go to FHS this is going to make no sense. More specifically if you were'nt in AP Physics and Calc 2003 it still makes no sense.

 

Host: Hi. I'm your host, Siggi Asztalos, and we are back with Framingham High School Jeopardy. Let's take a look at our contestants. We have Debayan Kanjilal who seems to have moved his podium to the far corner of the room positioning himself as far from the other contestants as possible. Normally I would ask but then again Debayan is an idiot. Next we have Sara Rupich.

Sara: I have a question. Actually two, but I was just wondering-

Host: Surprise, surprise. Sara may I just say that unless your question is "Gabor, can you come over here and saw my arms off so that I cannot raise my damned arms even if I wanted to, and tape my mouth up for eternity then frankly I don't want to hear it. And, of course, lastly we have our returning champion, Xiao Bin Xu. How are you?

Xiao: Where am I?

Host: Let's hope that's not a question Xiao, which takes us to our categories. Considering that this is High School Jeopardy we have taken the liberty in making the topics high school subject related. First we have Math, then English, Science, History, and finally Elective. Note that items in this category may relate to any elective offered in the school. Being the returning champion you can start us off Xiao.

Xiao: I'll take math for 200 please.

Host: The answer, the derivative of sin(2x). Xiao.

Xiao: What is Cos(2x).

Host: Sorry that is incorrect. You forgot to use the chain rule you moron. Debayan.

Debayan: I would just like to say that I am incapable of answering this question because I was absent on the day we covered the material in class. I think it is only fair that you ask me the same question in the near future once I have had a chance to catch up in my understanding.

Host: Yeah that's great Debayan. I'm going to pretend like that never happened. Sara. Um here at Jeopardy we usually buzz in. Why the hell are raising your hand.?Just for that idiotic deed I'm not letting you answer the damn question. Ok, lets take a moment to get to know our players a little better. Debayan we will start with you. According to this you are an AP scholar am I right?

Debayan: Oh yes, I excel in all three of my AP classes.

Host: According to these notes your combined score on all three of your AP tests was atwo. Care to tell us about how that is even possible? 

Debayan: What? Where did you get that information? I demand an apology.

Host: Let's move one to... apparently Sara has whipped out a liter of beer. Well I won't even have to read the card then. Xiao, says here that you enjoy soup.

Xiao: Hmm. Soup.

Host: Thats great. Any way lets continue playing. Xiao pick again.

Xiao: I'll take math again for 100.

Host: The name of this symbol, shown here. Sara.

Sara: Um, that's an eight.

Host: If it were turned 90 degrees then it might resemble an eight but it's an eight on its side. Of course, you are just too damn drunk to tell now aren't you? Xiao.

Xiao: Bobbies?

Host: I'm speechless. Does that symbol turn you on Xiao? Debayan.

Debayan: Oh I am so sorry I accidentally pressed the buzzer. Please forgive me god, Zeus, Allah, oh my dear Vishnu. What will I do?

Host: Ok. It was an infinity symbol people. An infinity symbol. Not boobies Xiao. Jesus. Sara. Stop drinking.  Anyway. Xiao pick once again.

Xiao: I'll take math for 300.

Host: Xiao maybe you should stay away from math. You obviously have no idea what is going on in that topic range.

Xiao: No I want math.

Host: Fine. The object shown here is used to measure distances by relating angles between objects to a set scale. Xiao.

Xiao: Can I play with it?

Host: Let's pretend that that never happened. Debayan.

Debayan: That of course is a sextant.

Host: Debayan. We don't use that type of language here in the studio. How dare you?

Debayan: I am very sorry. Oh my god, please forgive me. There is nothing I can do to ever repay you for the trouble I have caused. I am ashamed to be alive.

Host: Debayan. I was kidding. Calm down. However, since you did not put your reply in the form of a question I cannot give you the points. However, go ahead and pick the next topic.

Debayan: It would be my honor. I will take science for 500.

Host: Debayan. Maybe you should go a little lower. Ambition never lead to success when you where the ambitious one.

Debayan: Absolutely not.

Host: Fine. Take a look at this diagram. If the rod made of plastic is rubbed by the silk sheet and inserted into this solenoid this happens. Sara.

Sara: What is making babies?

Host: Dear god. What a perverted mind. I can see that answer coming from Xiao but You...and o great Xiao rang in. Xiao.

Xiao: Can I play with it?

Host: For Christ's sake, no! Sara you can't buzz in again.

Sara: I just wanted to point out that I put a candy wrapper in Debayan's hair. Haha.

Host: That's great.

Debayan: Damn you, you drunk bitch. I can't take this anymore. Everyday I go to class and the teachers and students show their equal hate for me. But you. One stupid question after another and that annoying voice. They all like you anyway because you do your homework and what not. But today it ends. I will tear you a new asshole and drink beer from it while repeatedly beating bear your previous ass.

Host: Ok let's calm down. There's plenty of time to settle these differences after the show. Let's just go to final jeopardy. The answer is this acronym stands forYok you know what that's too hard. Here's the new topic. Write any acronym and because none of you have any money to wager we will give you 100 dollars in order to make up for your mind boggling handicap. So just write an acronym. You know letters that stand for words. Like B.C. or F.B.I. As long as the letters stand for something the answer is correct, and wager as much as 100 dollars....(music) Ok let's see what everyone wrote. Debayan. You worte "I AM". Let's just forget about the I  because I have no idea what its for but AM does represent a time gap that's opposite from PM so despite the how much we have to stretch your answer to make it work considering its not an acronym at all we will accept it. Now what did you wager? "The Best." Ok I don't get it.

Debayan: I am the best! I am the best!

Host: Right. That's great let's move on to Sara and see what her drunk ass came up with. You wrote "give me B.V.L." I am going to assume that "B.V.L." is the acronym, but what does it mean?

Sara: Beer, vodka, and liquor.

Host: Ok I guess we can accept that. Though it is not a used acronym at least you have showed us that you know what the hell an acronym is. What did you wager? "drunk sex." Ok that's just sad. What people will do for a drink these days is unbelievable. I'm going to hold the vomit in my mouth down as we move on to see what Xiao wrote. Xiao you wrote "Hey S.R." Well those are theinitials of Sara Rupich so that is a correct answer. Let's see what you wagered. "I got beer at my house and 10 dollars." Ok that's disturbing. Xiao you know better than to take advantage of drunk women. You can get nice clean girls. Ok I take that back but that's still wrong. Well I guess no one wins this episode of Jeopardy, but hold on. Never mind. I'm getting word from the judges that because Xiao had both an acronym written on the screen and a dollar amount we can consider his answer and wager legitimate. So Xiao wins this game once again with a 110 dollars. Until next time, and this is the problem with public schools. Good night.   

Navy Seal

This is a parody of Say My Name by Destiny's Child that i wrote last summer when the issues at hand were actually fresh, either way here it is. 

 

You say that you are home by yourself,

But I just heard the voice, it was the voice of someone else.

It was the voice of someone I know, yeah it’s funny,

Holy shit it’s that skinny bastard named Sunny.

 

What’s going on while I’m at the Navy fort?

Whys my girl always at the tennis court?

Oh they think this is some kind of sport.

Well killing is my first resort.

 

Navy Seal, Navy Seal

Trained in 80 ways,

To make you his prey,

Man you’d better pray.

Navy Seal, Navy Seal

Watch out for the day,

That you walk his way,

Sunny you wish you were gay.

 

Today at Bobs, there’s Dan Korenstein,

Mop in his hand, he’s whipping up the floor clean.

Cuz there’s blood all over the crime scene.

Body so mangled the only way to I.D. it is through dental hygiene.

 

The cop with the results says it was an employeenamed Sunny,

What’s the motive could it be money?

But then they turn to see the blood written writing on the wall.

“Sunny you sure had some balls.”

 

Navy Seal, Navy Seal

Trained in 80 ways,

To make you his prey,

Man you’d better pray.

Navy Seal, Navy Seal

Watch out for the day,

That you walk his way,

Sunny you wish you were gay.

 

I sure hope that this attitude don’t run in the family,

Because the navy man’s sister sure is mad at me.

I said something I shouldn’t that’s for sure,

But I should not die over a suggested pedicure.

 

What I said was off the top of my head.

Don’t mean I should wind up dead.

Just tell me whether I should expect my doom.

I’m tired of hiding in the boy’s looker room.

 

Navy Sister, Navy Sister

For acting like a prick,

I’ll get beat up by a chick,

Just like Dave Bick.

Navy Sister, Navy Sister

I better run quick,

She’ll beat me with a stick,

Or toss me on the floor likeDave Bick.

Coke Thief

So im sitting in boring ass Differential Equations today listening to my teacher who looks like a member of The Temptations, but i assure you that this man has no rythm just a whole lot of blues. Either way i'm thirsy as hell. I'm talking, i need to pry my tongue off my checks with my pencil every now and then, thirsty. To make the situation worse, the kid sitting right in front of me is enjoying an ice cold coke in a huge cup with a straw. He takes a sip every minute or so and then places the cup on the floor next to him. Mother Fucker. I mean come on, you aint thirsty anymore you just keep sipping cuz its there. So i did what all of us have thought about but never mustered the courage to do out of embarrasment. I flicked my pencil off the side of my desk, just like in the movies. Then i got out of my chair to bend down and retrieve it. Then "i accidentally placed my lips on the straw" and slurpped up a huge one. Damn that felt good, i thought while i returned to my chair looking up to make sure the kid hadnt noticed. He didnt make a movement. Score. What a bitch. However, two minutes later when he went to reach for his coke he noticed that it was a little lighter. Shit, my calculations were wrong. I must not have factored in the fact that this must be the fucking weakest kid on earth who went to pick up his coke finding all of a sudden that he did not need both arms. So now hes scoping the people around me to find the coke thief and he pauses to look at me for a long couple of seconds. Then he turned back in his seat. Thats right. You cant prove shit, bitch. Either way this kid cant lift a coke off the ground, worst comes to worst i thought, id beat the living piss out of him and drink the coke right in his bleeding face. 

Monday, September 13, 2004

Music, Movies, Books, etc

I'm sick of this you dont like anything shit so i made this list which is only a sampling of my tastes. So stop bitching.

Music Favorites: Tool, Dream Theater, Metallica, Pain of Salvation, Porcupine Tree, Shadow Gallery, Alice in Chains, Smashing Pumkins, A Perfect Circle, King Crimson, Aesop Rock, Sage Francis, Outkast, 2Pac, Wu-Tang Clan, El-P.

Music I Hate: Death Metal, Country, punk and all of its subgenres like gay ass emo, indie rock, DMB, mainstream rap, this punk/garage rock revival shit like hives and strokes and jet, pop, dance/techno, anything by a female artist.

Movie Favorites: Apocolypse Now, LA Confindential, Fight Club, Die Hard, Mission Impossible, Airplane, Files from a Police Squad, Home Alone, Clockwork Orange, Brave Heart, Seven Samurai, Rashomon.

Movie I Hate: Elephant, Signs, Lost and Delirious, Lost in Translation, Fear and Lothing in Las Vegas, Master and Commander, Ghost World, The Punisher, films directed by women.

Good Books: The Odyssesy, The Stranger, Amnesia Moon, Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep, Heart of Darkness, Calvin and Hobbes, Blue Nile, Death of a Salesman.

Terrible Books: Anything by Charles Dickens or i guess you can throw all literature from the Victorian Age in there, bad Shakespeare(Midsummer Night Dream, Merchant of Venice, Titus, Taiming of the Shrew, The Tempest), anything by H.G. Wells, books by female authors(minus Beloved).

Actors: Tom Cruise, Billy Bob Thornton, Jude Law, Edward Norton, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, Jean Reno, Oliver Platt, Marlon Brando, Kevin Spacey, Alec Baldwin, Jonh Lithgow.

Actresses: Nicole Kindman, Naomi Watts, Natalie Portman, Julian Moore, Portia de Rossi,  Anjelica Houston.

Video Games: Halo, Half-Life, Deus Ex, Sacrifice, Killer Instinct, DOA3, Unreal Tournament, Goldeneye, Tony Hawk(the first one).