Saturday, October 30, 2004

The Death of Childhood

2000 years ago the average life span was fourty, fifty years old. An 18 year old was not only an adult but was close to middle age. Children hit puberty around the age of nine to twelve. They were parents at 20. Grandfathers by fourty five and dead some five years later. These days with the evolution of technology has come the biological evolution of the race. We live to about 80 years. Some children don't hit puberty until seventeen or even later. At eighteen you are declared an adult but are only a fourth of the way through your life. You aren't expected to be thinking about children. In fact, society is shocked when teens have children. You're expected to be independent but are too young to make singnificant money. At 23 you have just grown fully into your adult body. Your childhood is over and you have 60 years of work and misery ahead of you. Going at this rate in a couple of hundred years people will live to over 100 and 18 year olds will still be labeled adults. By then kids wont be hitting puberty until mid twenties but they'll be thrown into the work force to toil for the next 80 years. Slowly we are causing the death of childhood. We live longer. We mature later. The solution seems obvious. Increase the legal age considered to be an adult. Have kids start kindergarden at 9 instead of 6 and children will graduate at 21 instead of 18. Four years of college to accomadate to the real world and at 25, 26 you enter the real world. You still have a good 55 years left in you to serve society. So why not relish the good old days? True parents will have to support their children for longer but their parents would have done the same for them. And i think the parents deep down agree with me and want to spend as much time as they can with their creations before they move on. Everyone is happier. Of course, you say that if the legal age is increased then provelages that sixteen year olds enjoy now like driving would have to postponed. Fine with me. The less responsibility the better. How can the children be the future if the children are the past?

Jack Nicholson Sickens Me

Let me get this straight. Jack Nicholson is not only a Lakers fan, but revealed during one of the Yankees Vs. Sox games hes also a Yankees fan. Dear god. Does the man have no shame? Thats not one but two bandwaggons he shamelessly hopped onto. The Patriots are without a doubt probably his favorite football team. And one would presume that the Devil's would convienently be his favorite hockey team, but i argue that he has no favorite hockey team. You see Jack is not satisfied with rooting for the most popular team in each league he has to bring it one step further and only root for the favorite team in the favorite sports. Since hockey does not make the top three of Americas favorite sports I would say that Jack probably wants nothing to do with the sport in its entirety. When asked which of his parents he was more fond of he would ask his sibblings their opinions first. He replaced his Beatles cds in the 70's with ABBA albums. His favorite movie is whatever is at the top of the box office at the time. And of  course on his awards shelf his Oscars are collecting dust in the back blocked from view by his polished People's Choice Awards. Sickening.

Friday, October 8, 2004

Condom Island

This is a story I've told many people but based in public appeal im posting it.

When i was about twelve YMCA, my summer camp, had a field trip to go paddling on a canal in downtown New Orleans. The house along side this man made canal are broken into two catagories. The richest houses in the U.S. and projects. It was Marx's essay on have and have nots in living model. Either way, my boat contained me and one of the councelors so we were ahead of everyone except this one group of crazy boy scout kids trying to win the race that didnt exist. "Can we stop at that little island for lunch?" ask the two campers. "Sure, that looks like a great spot because no one will be able to pass us up by accident without noticing," replies the councelor. So the two campers friskly paddle to the little island with one tree on it in the middle of this canal. They leap out of the boat and run to the tree in the middle which is only a few steps. Once in the shade of the tree me and the councelor see them crash backward slipping together on something, but as their backs hit they appear to bouce up a couple of times coming to a smooth halt. The councelor gives out a sigh of relief. Thank god something broke their fall he thinks. We paddle up to help them when the situation becomes clear. Besides the one tree, this island consists of two things. Dirty matresses and condoms. I mean the ground was covered with a layer of rubbers maybe half a foot deep. Like this tree shed rubbers instead of leaves every fall. "Oh my god!" says I "It's fucking condom island!"

Now I know some people are beastly enough to screw in public bathrooms, but not even the bathroom at camp fat ass kids can be compared to this monstrosity. The city needs to be evacutated and this piece of hell needs to be the testing site of the new atomic weapon. Hopefully we'll take out a couple of condom island visitors while we're at it cuz anyone that is disgusting enough to have sex there deserves to die. Whose kid are you bearing is a god question to ask anyone impregnated on condom island. Could be a freaking mutant. If Britney Spears herself offered herself to me on the condition that we go to condom island id pull out an automatic weapon. We can do it somewhere else she would plead. Too late for regrets now seetheart, you just advocated use of condom island. Bang. Bang. Then i explain the circumstances to the judge who shakes my hand in applause.

Sunday, October 3, 2004

The great debate

I know that the vs. arguement is the dorkiest arguement ever to come from the mouths of man. "Who would win? Superman or Spiderman." Does it matter? No matter who would win both of you dorks lose, your dignity i mean. But one such debate that is actually argueable has been bothering me for a long time. Thats the Xbox vs. PS2 debate. Im sick of people calling it the SuXbox. Well then, GayStation its time we put this on paper.

GayStation fan point 1: The Xbox controller sucks.                                      Response: Is that the best you can come up with? Oh no. Either way they came out with the S type so bite me. You think the S type sucks to? Either you're a moron or you're a liar. I actually prefer it because of the better placed and larger thumbsticks.

GayStation fan point 2: Xbox live has a monthly fee and ps online is a one time payment.                                                                                                  Response: So you payed fourty bucks to play what? Madden. And Madden? I mean thats freaking it. Some sports games on a laggy as piece of shit server. Wow. PS2 is more popular than xbox but live is more popular than online. Maybe cuz online sucks. Or PS2 people have no friends and only play single player games. Probably both.

GayStation fan point 3: PS2 has more games.                                            Response: Im not some freaking rich kid so i cant buy 100 games a year meaning that quality is over quantity. With that in mind lets compare the best console specific games in each genre. Two games can either tie or one can rape the other. Five ass rapeage points is the max. Racing: Grand Turismo vs. Project Gotham 2. Tie. No i dont give a shit if Turismo has 2000 cars and 30000 tracks. They both play well and are fun. Fighting: Tekken vs. DOA3. DOA3 triple ass rapeage. Tekken is good but DOA hands its ass to it. 3rd person action: Devil May Cry vs. Ninja Gaiden. Tie. Both are sick as hell. Platform: Jak vs. Blinx. double ass rapeage for Jak. But platform games are for little kids who need to go get a game cube. RPG: Final Fantasy vs. Fable. Who cares, RPG games are for dorks. Simple as that. Sports: same games on both. First Person Shooters: PS2 shooters combined vs. Halo. Halo quintuple ass rapeage. Get the fuck out of here, GayStation. That leaves PS2 with two ass rapeage points and Xbox with eight.  

GayStation fan point 4: All SuXbox fans talk about is grphics this and graphics that. Response: You're the one with the controller arguement.

Conclusion: Game Cube is for little kids, Xbox is for people looking for a challenging experience and to test their abilities on friends and all the people around the world. PS2 is for dorks who have no friends who spend their days in th basement making another franchise in madden, 100%ing final fantasy, or doing "ill shit" in GTA. And thats just the way it is.