Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Not Lovin the Oven

So, along with a bunch of other new shit my parents bought with a new found source of wealth discovered as soon as me and my brother both went off to school(interesting) my parents got a new oven. What happened to the 0-500 dial? Thats all i need. Thats all i want. Theres like 45 buttons on the thing. Temperatures now have 4 places of accuracy. Like my Tyson frozen chicken nuggets really care whether they're being baked at 375.6689 of 375.6687 degrees. You literally need to press forty buttons to get it to do anything. Select bake type. Select food type(cuz it makes so much of a difference), select this. Select that. Oh crap i screwed up. Control-Alt-Delete. Start over. Household technology used to be cool. Oh man color tv is invented, sweet. A remote, awesome. Now its like lets make things complicated. Or combine shit. Look a toaster that burns the weather report on the bread. An oven that sends emails. Wow take my 1000 dollars, so worth it. Lets go back to curing cancer instead of figuring out how to make an ipod that fits under your finger nail.

Friday, December 2, 2005

One Of The Bens

Tonight is the Ben Kweller concert at the auditorium. People have been asking me if I'm going mostly as a half joke cuz my animoisty toward queers with acoustic guitars swooning about relashionships isnt too hidden. I kind of felt bad though, like I judged a book by its cover, until i picked up an issue of the daily colegian which happened to have a few of his lyrics in it. Didnt feel bad after reading a couple of the lines this  "intelectual lyricist whose influences include the Beatles and Bob Dylan" wrote:

But I like it here in my small space/New York's the place where the sidewalks know my face. - good one dr. suess.

Love ain't supposed to be this bad/make you cry mega ultra sad. - Lol. Are you serious? Oh no i need more syllabels to make this rhyme work i guess ill throw "mega" and "ultra" in there. Two words with the same definition. And i mean who says mega or ultra in a song?

So to make sure these werent just flukes and that Ben was indeed competing with Andre 3000 for worst lyrics ever written that arent in a Black Eyed Peas song (cuz lets face it, if the Blacked Eyed Peas are included in any contest regarding bad music its really no contest) i looked up some more lyrics. Heres what i found:

Fly home to my cat on the F train/I'm protected from pain. - Not just bad but ultra mega gay too.

I want to kill this man but he turned around and ran.
I'll kill him with karate that I learned in Japan.
He wouldn't see my face. I wouldn't leave a trace.
I wouldn't use a bullet cause a bullet's a disgrace. - This one is my favorite. Number of "sucessful" rhymes, 4. Amount of dignity lost, uncalculatable.

So no, i dont think im gonna go. And to the people i know that are going, next time you want to make fun off real music or claim that this is music just read those lyrics and see if you can keep a straight face while you do it.


Thursday, November 10, 2005

System of the Suck

I'm a big fan of heavy metal. Unfortunatly the only mainstream metal band that doesnt suck bonkers cock is Tool and they release an album every five freaking years(wheres the new one fellas?). So when I turn on the radio unless by some godly miracle Tool or Metallica is playing my only dose of metal is in one of three terrible forms: Disturbed, Slipknot, and System of the Down.

I think we can all just agree that Slipknot is fucking terrible. 9 guys prancing around stage in masks and still playing two notes in total per song is no ones idea of a good time(Joey Jordinson, what are still doing in Slipknot? Join a real band.) Disturbed falls into the same catagorey, unarguabley suck. All their songs are the same fucking thing. And i dont mean in a Godsmack type of way. I mean they recorded one song in their career and it just keeps getting mixed differently over and over.

So that leaves System. Now for some reason these ass clowns actually get some respect. PopMatters magazine says, " There is no other hard rock band around who can match the audacity, intensity, progressive nature, and accessibility of System of a Down." I mean i guess System is unique from other artists, but not themselves. All their songs are the same fucking thing.

System of the Down Song Structure 1:

(simple acoustic melody with chimes in background)

La La La La La La La La La La La LA

(simple heavy riff chorus)

Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra

(back to acoustic)

La La La La La La La La La La La LA

(back to chorus)

Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra

(noisey make no sense finale)

^&%$^%%B *%^^#$NTI$&*T()%*T%*Q*$$


And then when they get crazy inovative look at this:


(simple heavy riff verse)

Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra

(simple acoustic chorus)

La La La La La La La La La La La LA

(back to simple heavy riff verse)

Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra

(back to simple acoustic chorus)

La La La La La La La La La La La LA

(noisey make no sense finale)

^&%$^%%B *%^^#$NTI$&*T()%*T%*Q*$$

Oh man! Wow guys. Amazing. You sure fooled me. How could i ever compare you to Disturbed? Then theres lyrical content. "SOAD is political." "SOAD is philosophical." Are you serious? "Why dont presidents fight the war? Why do they always send the poor?" Think about that one for a second Serj. "No. No. Look at the chorus. The methaphor of the party as the war." So whats the connection there? "Uh..." Yeah, thats what i thought. Sunshine and time just happen to rhyme. Seriously, if i sat around all day asking dumb questions like that and criticising the current administration with nothing to back my claims you wouldnt call me ploitical you'd call me a moron. So why does SOAD get that description? And last time i checked philosophy is trying to answer lifes questions. Not just asking them. " Do we! Do we know, when we FLY? When we, when we go Do we die?" Ok, so whats your theory on that SOAD? Oh thats it? You just wanted to ask that. Well thats great. By the way, those are literally all the words to the song minus some shit about berries. Somehow the song is over three minutes though. 

In conclusion heres a song i wrote in the stlye of SOAD:

(simple stupid riff)

War is bad, bad is war

War is bad, bad is war.

(acoustic guitar and of course chimes)

Is there a god? Where is god?

Is there a god? Where is god?

(same riff)

Oh god not war.

War war, but wheres god.

War god.

God of war.

War of war.

God of god.

God War.

War god.

War, war, war, god, god, god.



Cream your pants over that Entertainment Weekly. I need a cd player in my car.

Some Things Shouldnt Be Changed

Recently the American government has had a very conservative attitude to social issues. Stem Cell Research is bad because its not God's will. Same sex marriage is derogitory toward the sacred belief in marriage. Abortion is simply murder and wrong. Ok, I see some arguements toward those even though i dont agree with most of those decisions. But theres another procedure being done across America that stands against morals, religious belief, science, and even common sense. I'm talking about sex changes.

I'll be damned if gays can marry but Eric wants to be an Erica. Well, hey, thats fine. I'm not a religious man, but if there is a God im sure hes not an advocate of people altering the sex they were born with. Scientifically sex changes make no sense. Gender and reproduction are key components in being alive, being an organism. You take away that higher purpose then what really are you? Then of course theres simple common sense. Eric is a little fruity and feels hed be more comfortable in a girls body. Well too fucking bad. Stop whinning you sissy. So you feel out of place, like society isnt accepting you? Well then go out and get a procedure that just boggles everyones mind and see what happens when people look at you and have to solve an equation of several variables to figure out what the hell you are.

And then this one is my favorite. Some chick wants to be a guy. Gets the sex change is pumped full of unatural hormones, but now wants to keep going to Smith College, which by the way is an all girls school. I mean do you need everything. "Why cant people accept me for what I am." They are you're a guy now, get the fuck out of this all girls school. "Its not fair." No letting you stay is unfair. Unfair to other real guys. Fucking hypocrites.   

And then theres the procedure. Lob off the old one, throw together some meat and skin and glue on the new one. God, who wants that? What ever happened to just playing dress up? As long as you don't pull some Crying Game shit on someone you're fine by me. So theres no need to make a suite out of fat chicks you keep in a well. Theres no need to get a sex change either. Stop confusing me. Stop confusing the world. And stop confusing yourself sex changers.  

Anyone who read that last post and got infuriated because they dont agree and think there are good reasons to get a sex change. Leave a comment. Cuz seriously, i cant see any positive outcomes.

Wednesday, November 9, 2005

Gus Van Cant Make a Good Movie

Me: Gus Van Sant. How are you?

Gus: Great.

Me: Good, good. I just wanted to say i watched your newest movie recently, Last Days.

Gus: Good for you. Its one of my most personal works.

Me: I know you made the movie but let me run the course of events in the film past you hoping you notice something a little wrong.

Gus: Ok...?

Me: Blake, a Curt Cobain influenced character, walks around in the woods mumbling to himself. Next scene Blake walks around his house, more mumbling. Blake dresses up like a girl and walks around his room. Blake makes mac and cheese. Blake's roomates get their chance to walk around a little. Gay sex scene. We watch blake walk around again from a different camera angle. We watch Blake's roomates walk around again from a different angle. Then i fell alseep for a second, but im asuming i missed Blake walk around some more. Then he dies. Movie ends.

Gus: Ok. I mean...

Me: You know what? Lets not stop there. Lets take a look at your previous movie, Elaphant.Kids walk around. Kids walk around from a different camera angle. Kids walk around some more. Gay sex scene. Kids walk around. Everyone dies. Movie before that, Gerry. Two guys walk around desert. More walking. More walking. I mean for christs sake the movie takes place in a desert. Anyway. Gay stuff. More walking. They die. Movie over.

Gus: Well, thats an absurd generalization. Theres scenes in there with significance. They stand for something.

Me: Right. The mac and cheese is society and Blake doesnt really want to eat, but hes hungry so he has to. With the spoon of justice. Whatever, Gus, i dont buy into your shit.

Gus: Last Days is a film about a man imprissoned by his own life. Deadlocked by society and his character. His inevitable death is his only escape from this.

Me: Gus, twenty minutes into the movie i wanted the guy to die. Better yet i was hoping i would die. Just complete back fire man. I mean theres better ways to make a point. Every scene i inevitalby spaced out and my mind was cluttered by thoughts of you masterbating to critic reviews. "Oh how they love my art house pretentious antics. Oh oh. Wait till they see my next film with even less dialogue and action and more aimless slow camera work."

Gus: Thats your opinion.

Me: I'll tell you what. I will pitch you a movie. Its called Fat Loser Boy. Its the depiction of one day in the life of Fat Loser Boy. I figure we'll start with breakfast. Move on to him watching soaps. Then lunch. Followed by some Madden 2006. Throw in some nose picking. More TV. Then dinner. Then the climax, prime time on television. More sitting from different angles. Then he chokes on a pretzel and dies. Huh?

Gus: No.

Me: No gay sex? We can have him jerk off to a porno.

Gus: No. What?

Me: Oh right too much action. You know what? Forget Madden. Well have him play Final Fantasy. One of the high dialogue parts of the game.

Gus: Its just a terrible idea.

Me: What do you mean? Look at all the underyling details. Fat Loser Boy is the side effect of the american dream. Shunned by parents who choose fatty foods and television over actually having to raise him. Imprisoned by fat rolls he gave himself but only because of the society around him. We all have a bit of Fat Loser Boy inside us.

Gus: By god...You're right. Itll be the Gatsby of our time. We can have a twenty minute scene where he flips through all 403 channels on his satelite television. Think of the significance?

Me: Oh god.

Gus: And the pretzel death. Brilliant. Preventable but no one is there to save him. Parents at work. No friends. No one to save Fat Loser Boy. Oh poor poor Fat Loser Boy. How I adore your story. 

Me: I was being sarcastic Gus. You know what? Fuck it. I want my 50% though. And Andy Milonakis cant be Fat Loser Boy no matter how well he fits the role, cuz that fuck face can go fuck himself.

Gus: We'll need a title though. Not Fat Losr Boy. Something with artsy metaphorical meaning.

Me: Thats your job fruit. Call we when you have my money.

Side Note: Gus makes great movies as long as he doesnt write them ie Good Will Hunting and To Die For. So Gus just stop writing scripts man.

Monday, September 12, 2005


This is what point The Simpsons are at. Yesterday I'm watching TV and announcements are made for the start of the new season. I think, well should I watch this or should I just watch the random football game I really don't care about? So I ultimately decide, yeah I think I am in the mood for something funny. A little humor at the end of the day would be nice. So I watched the game.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Surprise Surprise

Recently i saw a movie about Michael Jordans final days and championships. He's the greatest of all time, but thats not what most struck my eye. What caught my attention the most was a member in the audiance at the Bulls vs. Pacers final rooting for the Bulls in his usual seat thats so close to the court you can touch the players. Who? Our good friend Jack Nicholson, of course. So i guess you can be a Yankees fan since you are originally from New York and at the same time be a Lackers fan cuz you live in LA. I mean you can claim this. Not with dignity, but you can claim this. But then explain the Bulls fan thing when they won like 6 championships. Whats with that Jack? I don't see you at Bulls games anymore. Whys that? Not too good anymore. But you know what? I quit on Jack. Theres no point anymore. No one cares anymore about the smuck as his career takes a downward spiral. Anger Management. Somethings Got to Give. Good ones man. Keep up the good work and have fun at those Lackers games. I mean Pistons. My bad.

Whens Winter Break Allready?

Only 102 days before winter break. Then again i have to get my wisdom teeth taken out over winter break so there really isn't all that much to look forward to. I've allready seen the pre surgery video at the oral surgeon. You know the one I'm talking about. The one where they explain that if you keep your wisdom teeth then years from now much later in the future I don't much care about at present there can be hazards like cavaties and pressure. Dear god! Get them out imeadiatally. And the dangers of getting them out? You know. Minor stuff. Like death. Loss of taste and feeling of the mouth. Bacterial infection and what not. Quick then, take my 1,000 dollars. I do not want it. I can't wait for the bloating and prayers that something dire doesnt occur. Marry Christmas.

Thursday, May 26, 2005

The Weater Again

Now I'm being serious. Should I be building an ark?

Wednesday, May 25, 2005


Today my dad turned up the thermostat turning on the heat.

There are two things wrong with this occurence. The fist is that it is the end of May. I mean what the fuck New England. Second, my dad turned on the heat. Mr. in soviet Hungary you piss on the seat on purpose so your ass cheecks dont get frost bite.

Monday, April 25, 2005

Napoleon Complex

Today was the first day since Napoleon Dynamite exploded that I've gone 24 hours without having someone reference the movie. America, get a life. Seriously.

Alanis Morissette You Suck!

A couple of weeks ago i overheard a good chunk of that ridiculuously overrated piece of crap album, Little Jagged Pill, by angry for no reason, Alanis Morissette. Forget the lame music and the never changing, god aweful singing. She writes the most repetetive and ridiculously simplistic piece of shit songs ever concieved. Here are some samples. Tell me if you notice any patterns?

Hand in My Pocket

    I'm broke but I'm happy
    I'm poor but I'm kind
    I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
    I'm high but I'm grounded
    I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
    I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby

Right Through You

   I see right through you
   I know right through you
   I feel right through you
   I walk right through you

  You took me for a joke 
  You took me for a child
  You took a long hard look at my ass


  We all had our reasons to be there
  We all had a thing or two to learn
  We all needed something to cling to

You Learn

  You live you learn
  You love you learn
  You cry you learn
  You lose you learn
  You bleed you learn
  You scream you learn


  It's like rain on your wedding day
  It's a free ride when you've already paid
  It's the good advice that you just didn't take

Not The Doctor

   I don't want to be the filler if the void is solely yours
   I don't want to be your glass of single malt whiskey
   Hidden in the bottom drawer
   I don't want to be a bandage if the wound is not mine
   Lend me some fresh air
   I don't want to be adored for what I merely represent to you
   I don't want to be your babysitter

Your House

  Would you forgive me love if I dance in your shower?
  Would you forgive me love if I laid in your bed?
  Would you forgive me love if I stay all afternoon?

Hmmmmmm. Just slight recurences there. Just pick a lame sentence. A real simple one too that starts with a pronoun. Then make the next line the same exact sentence except change like 2 words. But do something clever. Like say the opposite, oh my. Or pick words that make no sense but rhyme. Alanis, you're a fucking genius. Using this pathetic though apperently commercial formula, we can thank 15 year old girls for that once again, here is a song i wrote:


  I am someone, but I am someonee else.
  I know I'm me, but i feel like you.
  I tried to try to try to try.
  I should have tried to try to try harder.
  I don't know what I'm talking about, but I talk about what I know.
  I spoke doke chika poo.
  I chika spoke poo doke.
  I   011100101
  I   100110101
  I "fill in the blank"
  I "blank fill in you"
  I am I I never though I was I I never knew I do I see I I I I I I I
  But never really I! I I I I I. Ohhh I why I. Die I. I. I.

Its ok to use the structure sometimes if done well, Pain of Salvations Imago. If not done well or repeated pathetically this many times a record turns into a broken record. So Alanis, keep a journal under your pillow, but stay the fuck off of the airwaves cause i can still hear the repetetive bullshit echoes of Ironic the song of a bunch of not so ironic but really just unfortunate events.  

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Sunday, January 9, 2005

Garden State 2 the Script

Largeman: Hey Siggi.

Me: Whats going on Largeman?

Largeman: Whats not going on?

Me: Right.

Largeman: Life is like a box of chocolates man. A real big box. With lots and lots of flavors. Chocalate and charmel collding in your mouth like magma. The very magma that shaped this earth.

Me: Wow, thats great. Real deep man.

Largeman: Deep. Deep. Layers deep. Like an onion. Like earth. Like earth and its core. Deep like like the universe. Like life.

Me: Yeah, thats great and all. Hows Sam doing?

Largeman: Ask her not her soul benefactor, her lover, her warmth sharer and giver art though all holy matter condenced into a slow vibration...

Me: Oh hey Sam. What are you doing?

Sam: Something thats never been done here. An originality. A unique moment in all of human history.

Me: Your DNA is unique. Every snowflake and person and leaf is unique so really thats not all that impressive.

Sam: Barubidaik.

Me: What?

Sam: I made that up. I mean like without creativity where would we be?

Me: Thats not creativity thats bullshit.

Largeman: So are you coming with us?

Me: Where are you going?

Largeman: Nowhere.

Sam: Everywhere.

Largeman: Wherewhere.

Sam: Thewhere.

Largeman: Of the where.

Me: I think you guys need help.

Largeman: Oh there you are. Siggi, meet our new friend.

Architect: Hello, Siggi.

Me: Who are you?

Architect: I am the Architect. I created the Garden State. I've been waiting for you. You have many questions, and though the process has altered your consciousness, you remain irrevocably human. Ergo some of my answers you will understand, and some of them you will not. Concordantly, while your first question may be the most pertinent, you may or may not realize it is also the most irrelevant.

Me: Who uses words like ergo in conversation?

Architect: Your life is the sum of a remainder of an unbalanced equation inherent to the programming of the Garden State. You are the eventuality of an anomaly, which, despite my sincerest efforts, I have been unable to eliminate from what is otherwise a harmony of mathematical precision. While it remains a burden assiduously avoided, it is not unexpected, and thus not beyond a measure of control. Which has led you, inexorably... here.

Me: You haven't answered my question.

Architect: Quite right. Interesting. That was quicker than the others.

Me: Are all of you in the same philosphy 100 class or something?

Sam: This man is a genius. He like knows everything.

Me: Or nothing.

Largeman: Or everything about nothing.

Architect: Or nothing about everything.

Sam: Or nothing about nothing.

Largeman: Or everything about everything.

Architect: Or nothing about the everything of nothing.

Sam: Or everything about the everything of the nothing that is everything.

Largeman: Or...

Me: For christ sake, shut the fuck up! I hate you guys.

Largeman: Or you love us.

Architect: Perhaps he just loves to hate.

Sam: Or loves to love.

Me: Thats it im leaving.

Random Guy: Good luck searching the endless abyss of life.

Me: Whatever.