Thursday, November 10, 2005

System of the Suck

I'm a big fan of heavy metal. Unfortunatly the only mainstream metal band that doesnt suck bonkers cock is Tool and they release an album every five freaking years(wheres the new one fellas?). So when I turn on the radio unless by some godly miracle Tool or Metallica is playing my only dose of metal is in one of three terrible forms: Disturbed, Slipknot, and System of the Down.

I think we can all just agree that Slipknot is fucking terrible. 9 guys prancing around stage in masks and still playing two notes in total per song is no ones idea of a good time(Joey Jordinson, what are still doing in Slipknot? Join a real band.) Disturbed falls into the same catagorey, unarguabley suck. All their songs are the same fucking thing. And i dont mean in a Godsmack type of way. I mean they recorded one song in their career and it just keeps getting mixed differently over and over.

So that leaves System. Now for some reason these ass clowns actually get some respect. PopMatters magazine says, " There is no other hard rock band around who can match the audacity, intensity, progressive nature, and accessibility of System of a Down." I mean i guess System is unique from other artists, but not themselves. All their songs are the same fucking thing.

System of the Down Song Structure 1:

(simple acoustic melody with chimes in background)

La La La La La La La La La La La LA

(simple heavy riff chorus)

Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra

(back to acoustic)

La La La La La La La La La La La LA

(back to chorus)

Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra

(noisey make no sense finale)

^&%$^%%B *%^^#$NTI$&*T()%*T%*Q*$$


And then when they get crazy inovative look at this:


(simple heavy riff verse)

Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra

(simple acoustic chorus)

La La La La La La La La La La La LA

(back to simple heavy riff verse)

Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra

(back to simple acoustic chorus)

La La La La La La La La La La La LA

(noisey make no sense finale)

^&%$^%%B *%^^#$NTI$&*T()%*T%*Q*$$

Oh man! Wow guys. Amazing. You sure fooled me. How could i ever compare you to Disturbed? Then theres lyrical content. "SOAD is political." "SOAD is philosophical." Are you serious? "Why dont presidents fight the war? Why do they always send the poor?" Think about that one for a second Serj. "No. No. Look at the chorus. The methaphor of the party as the war." So whats the connection there? "Uh..." Yeah, thats what i thought. Sunshine and time just happen to rhyme. Seriously, if i sat around all day asking dumb questions like that and criticising the current administration with nothing to back my claims you wouldnt call me ploitical you'd call me a moron. So why does SOAD get that description? And last time i checked philosophy is trying to answer lifes questions. Not just asking them. " Do we! Do we know, when we FLY? When we, when we go Do we die?" Ok, so whats your theory on that SOAD? Oh thats it? You just wanted to ask that. Well thats great. By the way, those are literally all the words to the song minus some shit about berries. Somehow the song is over three minutes though. 

In conclusion heres a song i wrote in the stlye of SOAD:

(simple stupid riff)

War is bad, bad is war

War is bad, bad is war.

(acoustic guitar and of course chimes)

Is there a god? Where is god?

Is there a god? Where is god?

(same riff)

Oh god not war.

War war, but wheres god.

War god.

God of war.

War of war.

God of god.

God War.

War god.

War, war, war, god, god, god.



Cream your pants over that Entertainment Weekly. I need a cd player in my car.

Some Things Shouldnt Be Changed

Recently the American government has had a very conservative attitude to social issues. Stem Cell Research is bad because its not God's will. Same sex marriage is derogitory toward the sacred belief in marriage. Abortion is simply murder and wrong. Ok, I see some arguements toward those even though i dont agree with most of those decisions. But theres another procedure being done across America that stands against morals, religious belief, science, and even common sense. I'm talking about sex changes.

I'll be damned if gays can marry but Eric wants to be an Erica. Well, hey, thats fine. I'm not a religious man, but if there is a God im sure hes not an advocate of people altering the sex they were born with. Scientifically sex changes make no sense. Gender and reproduction are key components in being alive, being an organism. You take away that higher purpose then what really are you? Then of course theres simple common sense. Eric is a little fruity and feels hed be more comfortable in a girls body. Well too fucking bad. Stop whinning you sissy. So you feel out of place, like society isnt accepting you? Well then go out and get a procedure that just boggles everyones mind and see what happens when people look at you and have to solve an equation of several variables to figure out what the hell you are.

And then this one is my favorite. Some chick wants to be a guy. Gets the sex change is pumped full of unatural hormones, but now wants to keep going to Smith College, which by the way is an all girls school. I mean do you need everything. "Why cant people accept me for what I am." They are you're a guy now, get the fuck out of this all girls school. "Its not fair." No letting you stay is unfair. Unfair to other real guys. Fucking hypocrites.   

And then theres the procedure. Lob off the old one, throw together some meat and skin and glue on the new one. God, who wants that? What ever happened to just playing dress up? As long as you don't pull some Crying Game shit on someone you're fine by me. So theres no need to make a suite out of fat chicks you keep in a well. Theres no need to get a sex change either. Stop confusing me. Stop confusing the world. And stop confusing yourself sex changers.  

Anyone who read that last post and got infuriated because they dont agree and think there are good reasons to get a sex change. Leave a comment. Cuz seriously, i cant see any positive outcomes.

Wednesday, November 9, 2005

Gus Van Cant Make a Good Movie

Me: Gus Van Sant. How are you?

Gus: Great.

Me: Good, good. I just wanted to say i watched your newest movie recently, Last Days.

Gus: Good for you. Its one of my most personal works.

Me: I know you made the movie but let me run the course of events in the film past you hoping you notice something a little wrong.

Gus: Ok...?

Me: Blake, a Curt Cobain influenced character, walks around in the woods mumbling to himself. Next scene Blake walks around his house, more mumbling. Blake dresses up like a girl and walks around his room. Blake makes mac and cheese. Blake's roomates get their chance to walk around a little. Gay sex scene. We watch blake walk around again from a different camera angle. We watch Blake's roomates walk around again from a different angle. Then i fell alseep for a second, but im asuming i missed Blake walk around some more. Then he dies. Movie ends.

Gus: Ok. I mean...

Me: You know what? Lets not stop there. Lets take a look at your previous movie, Elaphant.Kids walk around. Kids walk around from a different camera angle. Kids walk around some more. Gay sex scene. Kids walk around. Everyone dies. Movie before that, Gerry. Two guys walk around desert. More walking. More walking. I mean for christs sake the movie takes place in a desert. Anyway. Gay stuff. More walking. They die. Movie over.

Gus: Well, thats an absurd generalization. Theres scenes in there with significance. They stand for something.

Me: Right. The mac and cheese is society and Blake doesnt really want to eat, but hes hungry so he has to. With the spoon of justice. Whatever, Gus, i dont buy into your shit.

Gus: Last Days is a film about a man imprissoned by his own life. Deadlocked by society and his character. His inevitable death is his only escape from this.

Me: Gus, twenty minutes into the movie i wanted the guy to die. Better yet i was hoping i would die. Just complete back fire man. I mean theres better ways to make a point. Every scene i inevitalby spaced out and my mind was cluttered by thoughts of you masterbating to critic reviews. "Oh how they love my art house pretentious antics. Oh oh. Wait till they see my next film with even less dialogue and action and more aimless slow camera work."

Gus: Thats your opinion.

Me: I'll tell you what. I will pitch you a movie. Its called Fat Loser Boy. Its the depiction of one day in the life of Fat Loser Boy. I figure we'll start with breakfast. Move on to him watching soaps. Then lunch. Followed by some Madden 2006. Throw in some nose picking. More TV. Then dinner. Then the climax, prime time on television. More sitting from different angles. Then he chokes on a pretzel and dies. Huh?

Gus: No.

Me: No gay sex? We can have him jerk off to a porno.

Gus: No. What?

Me: Oh right too much action. You know what? Forget Madden. Well have him play Final Fantasy. One of the high dialogue parts of the game.

Gus: Its just a terrible idea.

Me: What do you mean? Look at all the underyling details. Fat Loser Boy is the side effect of the american dream. Shunned by parents who choose fatty foods and television over actually having to raise him. Imprisoned by fat rolls he gave himself but only because of the society around him. We all have a bit of Fat Loser Boy inside us.

Gus: By god...You're right. Itll be the Gatsby of our time. We can have a twenty minute scene where he flips through all 403 channels on his satelite television. Think of the significance?

Me: Oh god.

Gus: And the pretzel death. Brilliant. Preventable but no one is there to save him. Parents at work. No friends. No one to save Fat Loser Boy. Oh poor poor Fat Loser Boy. How I adore your story. 

Me: I was being sarcastic Gus. You know what? Fuck it. I want my 50% though. And Andy Milonakis cant be Fat Loser Boy no matter how well he fits the role, cuz that fuck face can go fuck himself.

Gus: We'll need a title though. Not Fat Losr Boy. Something with artsy metaphorical meaning.

Me: Thats your job fruit. Call we when you have my money.

Side Note: Gus makes great movies as long as he doesnt write them ie Good Will Hunting and To Die For. So Gus just stop writing scripts man.