Sunday, October 1, 2006

War On TV

I've decided to make a new weekly entry for as long as it applies(hopefully not long). Basically we'll take a look at what this weeks War At Home had to offer. I doubt many viewers of the show read my journal but just in case there is one maybe that somehow this will open your eyes to the mistakes you've made and this will have a purpose. To everyone else not dumb enough to watch the show you are humorously reminded why not:

Premise: Larry(the nerdy one) is going out with Mike's(the one that loses $8,000 in one hand on online poker so is apparently a super high roller) old girlfriend.

Dad: Anyone want some fried rice.
Larry: No. No i don't want fried rice cuz I have a girlfriend that likes me so forget you Mike and forget the fried rice.
Mike: Maybe you would want some if i made out with it first.

So you get a better understanding of how bad that is...(i know that really doesnt make sense cuz 30 minutes of life is ten times funnier than war at home). Anyway we'll have a quote from another far superior show that i saw on tv that week and since its a better far superior show naturally its reruns cuz it has been cancelled to make room for shows like war at home. This week Malcolm in the Middle:

Premise: The kreloboynes(nerdy class) are going to a nerd competition with their crazy teacher Mr. Herkabe and they are on the bus.

Mr. Herkabe: An inside tip tells me that the science portion is leaning on mostly molecualr chemistry so open your books and we'll cover chapter 3,7,8, and 13 in that order.
Lloyd: My mom says I need to take a two hour nap on the bus so I don't get cranky.
Mr. Herkabe: Is that so? You want us to all sing you a nice lullaby too? Should I roll up my jacket to make you a pillow?
Llyod: No!...I brouught my own pillow thank you very much....I just need help inflating it.
Mr. Herkabe: Bus driver, open the door. Any of you want to chicken out go ahead. The door of cowardice is open.
(The bus driver starts to slow down)
Mr. Herkabe: I didnt say stop the bus. I said open the door.

Malcolm in the Middle was cancelled after last season. It was given an admirable 30 minute with commercials series finale while house's season finale was I believe a month long. War At Home is still on for some reason that I don't understand. Its terrible and offends the wrong groups i.e. "I'm sick of this Bahmitzva garbage. I'm gonna go upstairs, smack the "he" out of him and make a "brew." The laugh track went off the charts after that one. God I hate TV. When House starts up again this entry will get even more interesting. Until then...

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Small Wonder of the World

Driving to class today I saw a rather rare sight. A part of the road I traveled had been very recently repaved, which is typical. The strange thing was a lone construction worker standing on the side of the street gazing down. How often does this happen? Usually workers come, they break, they cause traffic, they rebuild and they leave to collect their checks. But not this guy. He paved that road and he was there to inspect his creation. "I made this," his eyes said to me as i passed him. "Look at how black it is. Look at how flat it is. Doesn't that feel good when you ride over it or what?" It did. It felt real good. A painter inspects his own canvass at the gallery. A director sees the premiere to his film. So why shouldn't orange vested Bob come look at what his hands have done. As he placed his hand lightly on the warm, soft asphalt I pulled down my window and saluted this spectacle. This man. This construction worker. This artist. And I don't know if it was the blinding sun, or the dirt my car kicked up, but in my side view mirror I saw a tear trickle down this hero's check and drip onto his magnificent orange vest. And I don't know if it was the air conditioning in my face or the large yawn I gaped moments earlier but moisture aggrogated around my tear ducts as well.  

Sunday, July 23, 2006


Have you seen the new Burger King commercials for the BK Staker? The little migits stack meat and chese and when anyone tries to bring by anything with any nutritional value they get ridiculed. But regardless. The horrific part of the commercial is at the very end where they show all the stakers lined up next to each other. Theres the double, two patties, two pieces of cheese, bacon, and a bun. Then theres the triple. And then no lie. By god the most disgusting thing ive ever witnessed, the quadruple. Yes thats four fat saturated patties, four pieces of lard filled cheese, and slimy bacon dripping between two thin pieces of bread. Unless the reason for its existance is to weed out the scum of the population (whenever anyone orders one then they are immediatly taken out back and shot) then it should be eliminated from the face of the earth. I mean who actually orders one of those? No one worth living thats for sure. Unless you order one for your family and bring a loaf of bread with you to save some money or because you're trying to win a double dog dare than the penalty for such treason should be immediate death. Yes treason. Anyone who orders one is a disgrace to this country. Actually the planet. But theres no word for commiting a crime against the planet. Well now we have commited quadstack.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Lady in the Water

M. Night is back. Since Sixth Sense his movies have been spiraling into new depths of shit. Lets face it. We all know that like all his movies this one is going to have a twist ending. Its his stunt to keep his movies at the top of the box office charts regardless of how mind bogglingly terrible they are. Sixth Sense and Unbreakable's twist were discoverable while watching the movie. Signs was unexpected. Unexpectadly stupid that is. As for The Village. Um yeah I think we all had to see the trailer once before we pinpointed that one. This new one though, Lady in the Water, seems a little trickier. From the trailer I really have no fucking idea what its about and whats going on. Regardless heres my guess. Paul Giamatti is some loser whose hiding from his life. In the past he probably was something respectable like a doctor or lawyer but messed up big and hides from himself as an apartment super. In comes the water bitch. Heres his chance to be brave. To redeem himself. The rest of the movie is him and the tenants trying to figure out how to help her. Like in all M. Night movies theres always someone, or some book, or some thing, that describes exactally what is happening to them regardless of how out of the ordinary. Like in Signs the book about aliens the kid had which mysteriously describes the movie exactaly. In Unbreakable the mystical comic book Samuel L finds by awkwardly running into the wall over and over as the guy tries to wheel him out. According to the synopsis at the official website they are all given powers by the lady. This is definitly going to be some Donnie Darko rip off bullshit where everyone has a weird role in saving the chick and doesnt know it but discovers throughout the movie. So then theres this mystical beast. Don't know whats up with that, but I guess the point of the movie is them trying to figure out how to kill it. This is going to be just like Signs. When they interpret the book/story/message/whatever and figure out how to combine their powers the beast will die. Sing away Cleveland Heep. And then they all realize their importance to the world. Signs 2 it should be called. Thats not really a twist though. Maybe the beast and bitch are fake and set this all up so that paul and the tenants could play this game and prove themselves. Maybe god parts the clouds once the bitch is saved and says good job. I told you all my creatures are important. I dont know. Its going to be whack. What I do know is that this movie is going to be abysmal. Like even worse than Signs bad. So someones going to have to give me a briefing after seeing it cuz I sure as hell aint.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

You know your dad grew up in a soviet occupied country...

If you wake up on weekends to the sounds of the lawnmower at six in the morning. He asked you to do it, but cut it anyway so that he could tell you in the morning when you wake up and say, "Some of us are working when you sleep in your bed all day you lazy like American."

If your dad has ever used the phrase "Is good one."

If your dad mixes up verb conjugations as much as they can be ie I goes, you goes, he go to the store.

If in childhood pictures you're wearing the same clothes in every single photograph.

If you go out to eat as often as total solar eclipses occur on the same day of a new species finding.

If after 26 hours of awakeness you've been forced to watch from your car window two dozen Holiday Inns, Best Westerns, and Marriots go by listening to your father's endless grunt at 3:30 in the morning of "Where the hell is a Motel 6?"

If you never had a potato chip until you were 14.

If you've ever tried to throw out a 3 month old banana that doesn't have a spot of yellow left on it to be stopped by your dad by the words, "What are you doing? I'm waiting for that to ripen."

If your dad's arguement to the social services lady ever was "If no kill, make you stronger, no?"

If instead of babysitters you had a stack of books and furniture in front of the door to bar you in. As well as a verbal threat: "I put tape on the outside of the door. If it is not attached when I come home I will randomly select one of you to kill."

If every Olympics and World Championships all you hear is "Take that America. You think you are so good at everything."

If his stories begin like such: "I remember when my best friend Janos had his arm ripped off at the factory. Poor eight year old boy." Or end as such: "So after three days of waiting at the bottom of the tree the wolves finally gave up. I slid down and crawled the hundred and thirty miles home for they had previously bitten off both of my legs." At which point you look under the table but before you can open your mouth..."ARE YOU CALLING ME A LIAR?!!?!!"

If the scariest people you have ever met in the world are your dad's friends.

If your dad doesn't know what position the pitcher is in baseball.

If your dad's ever asked, "Did anyone else hear the deer nibbling the grass out back last night around 4 in the morning?"

If your dad calls Skittles, Starbursts, and Gummy Bears "Frooties."

If your dad leaves the house on weekdays at six in the morning and gets home at seven at night.

If your dad makes more money in a day then he spends in a year.

If  your dad has ever said, "No. You can either have  Raphael or Splinter. Not both." on your birthday when the combined cost of both is 4.50.

If after a fried chicken and potatoes meal there's nothing on your dad's plate. Yes, not even bones.

If your dad's ever in his life had to piss on the toilet seat intentionally to warm it up before using it.

If your dad's ever said, "Back in Soviet..."

The Unparalleled Idiots

Unparalleled Idiot 1: Unparalleled Idiot 2, can you pass me the peas.

Unparalleled Idiot 2: Of course, Unparalleled Idiot 1.

Unparalleled Idiot 1: What's the plans for after dinner Unparalleled Idiots?

Unparalleled Idiot 3: I don't know. I think its raining.

Unparalleled Idiot 1: Go look out the window for me, Unparalleled Idiot 3. Tell me what you see.

Unparalleled Idiot 3: Well its storming pretty bad, Unparalleled Idiot 1. There's a foot of water in the street and a large tree fell blocking our driveway. Looks like people are boarding up their windows. At least the ones that haven't allready evacuated.

Unparalleled Idiot 1: Interesting. What time is it Unparalleled Idiot 4?

Unparalleled Idiot 4: Seven thirty.

Unparalleled Idiot 1: And when does the pool close?

Unparalleled Idiot 4: Eight.

Unparalleled Idiot1: How long do you think it would take us to get there Unparalleled Idiot 3?

Unparalleled Idiot 3: Oh I don't know. Fifteen. Maybe ten minutes if we hurry.

Unparalleled Idiot 1: You heard the man. We're going to the pool. Anyone not in the car in thirty seconds can't come.

Unparalleled Idiot 4: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Up Close and Personal

Apparently thats what a dragonfly looks like up close I discovered the other day. Whatever flowers they're eating we need to find them pronto.

Wednesday, July 5, 2006

Mini Blogs

1.) You ever hung up your cell phone while driving and realized that for the past three minutes or so you haven't even been aware that you were driving? I don't mean you haven't been paying attention to the road but like completely unaware of the fact you were drving in general. So I look into the rear view to check to see if maybe the road was completely straight and thats the only reason I'm alive. Straight as an arrow. Still here baby.

2.) You ever go to the dentist and the assistant tells you that you need to floss more? Their rationale is always the same: your gums are bleeding. Your gums are bleeding after I have been stabing your flesh with sharp metal objects. Whose gums dont bleed when you stab them with knives. Better yet what part of the human body doesnt bleed when you stab it with sharp metal objects. My ass would bleed if you stabbed it with metal objects. Should I  floss my ass? Why don't you just get the dentist you useless high school flunky dental hygenist? Oh your son is going to college next year. Thats fanfuckingtastic. I would be going into my senior year, but now I'm not so sure. Last time you told me to spit I noticed that a quarter of the blood from my body was in that little sink.

3.) Apparently all cool fireworks have been illegalized around the counrty. Remember cherry bombs? Black cats. That was the shit. Now every firework says the same thing: "emits sparks of colors." Back in a day we had a name for those, sparklers. Sparklers are the ryan seacrest of fireworks.  So for next 4th of July or new years actually here are some suggestions for easy to make fireworks at home:

                          1. cut 100 grapes in half and place them side by side in your  
                              microwave and start that shit up. Sounds lame? Trust me.
                          2. styrephome + gasonline = napalm. or at least sludge that will burn
                             for hours and hours. styrephome + gasonline +  gunpowder +
                             duck tape + tennis ball = rain of fire.
                          3.  throw a mannequin off of a highway overpass. preferably when 18
                              wheelers are passing by.
                          4. put a match to a guidos hair. (guidos can be found on Long Island)
                              warning: some guidos have so many chemicals in their hair that this
                              may end the earth as we know it.
                          5. soak a klu klux klan uniform in gasonline and place it on a mannequin
                              set on the corner of gang land.
                          6. puor a small amount of gasoline into an anocondas mouth and then
                              shot a flair at it. According to anocondas 2: hunt for the blood orchid
                              this causes a ten mega ton explosion.

4.) Carl Crawford stole home in tonights game against the sox which to comply with previous promises makes him my favorite baseball player slash general hero in life.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

New Speak

Every decade has had their mark on common language. Valley Girl talk. Ebonics. Bill and Ted style 80's lingo. Groovy hippie talk. It seems all our generation does is swear. Time to leave our mark. Here are a few words and phrases ive heard and or implemented that are practical and should be spread around the country.

tuck in your skirt(alice its time to hang with the big boys):

meaning: stop being such a pussy.
origin: SAC mens locker room.
use: - I don't feel like playing right now.
      - Tuck in your skirt alice, its time to hang with the big boys.

bonkers cock
meaning: cock but now its bonkers.
origin: asztalos family
use: This show sucks bonkers cock.

my pancreas hurts(said while holding your shoulder):

meaning: call someone a liar and a pussy at the same time
origin: SAC mens locker room
use: - I cant go on. My head hurts.
       -Yeah and so does my pancreas.
synonym: "my foots bleeding internally" ie i cant go on. why is your foot bleeding internally?

no you're a towel:

meaning: a way to stop an argument thats getting too serious.
origin: south park, first practical use unknown
use: - you're a fucking douche bag.
       -no you're a towel

bit of the ole':

meaning: preliminary phrase to any verb
origin: clockwork
use: -what are you guys up to
      - a bit the ol' verb


meaning: suffix used to turn verbs into direct objects for absolutely no reason.
origin: myself
use:  can you rake these leaves? = can i get some rakage over here?

bup a doo:

meaning: used while immitating someone to make fun of them.
origin: 502 grayson 2003-2004
use: hey, hey,  look at me, i'm blank, bup a doo

shit negro, thats all you had to say:

meaning: someone says exactaly what you wanted to hear.
origin: pulp fiction
use: - fine i'll transfer you the money
       - well shit negro, thats all you had to say.

does my garage have a sign that says dead nigger storage?:

meaning: use when someone asks you a favor.
origin: pulp fiction
use: - can you do something for me?
       - does my garage have a sign that says dead nigger storage?
warning: do not use in presence of african americans
synonym: "what the fuck is this? romper room?" ie can you do something for me? what the fuck is this? romper room?

gotcha bitch:

meaning: use when you win in a game
origin: juggernaught bitch
use: (after shooting someone in a video game) zap, gotcha bitch.

cunt shit ass bitch cock shlibidi boo bop:

meaning: swear phrase used to illustrate that you're definitly swearing
origin: eminem
use: - please dont swear around the children.
      -cunt shit ass bitch cock shlibidi boo bop

skeet skeet skeet:

meaning: to ejaculate, randomly put into conversation for no reason
origin: lil jon
use: - howd you do on that test?
       - skeet skeet skeet


meaning: to suck ass at something
use: nice job clement.
synonyms: scalabrini

dave mathews style:

meaning: to enjoy recieving golden showers.
origin: 502 grayson 2003-2004
use: yeah you know you like it dave mathew's style

reverse anorexia

meaning: fat ass
use: - i cant help it im slightly overweight.
       - yeah, damn that reverse anorexia.

Got more? Post a comment. Spread the word. If you say something and every time you do your parents say, "wait what?" then thats exactally what needs to be up here.  

Monday, March 27, 2006

Dear Coldplay

Dear Coldplay,

Since you guys are so fucking big inevitably millions of articles and interviews are appearing in magazines about your band. One popular topic of discussion I noticed was the Coldplay and U2 compare and contrast. Most of the time everyone said things along the line of "Coldplay is the new U2." However, one magazine shut you guys down saying, "Coldplay will never be the next U2." Their rational was that though Coldplay is basically as big as U2 and basically as homosexual what separates U2 and puts them in a different catagory is that they have songs like Bloody Sunday and Where The Streets Have No Name for each With or Without You and Fagalalalala or whatever the fuck their new songs are called. So at present you guys aren't even the next Cranberries apparently. But this is a very easy problem to fix. Just make a political song. I've written the chorus below just fill in the verses:

Bloody Sunday(Fuck Yeah!)

Sunday, Bloody Sunday

(Fuck Yeah Bitch)

Sunday, Bloody Sunday

(you bringin’ banners to a gun fight?)

Sunday, Bloody Sunday

(don’t you guys read history books? Boston, Hello.)

Sunday, Bloody Sunday

(You don’t sit the fuck down there’s gonna be a…)

Monday Bloody, Monday


Writing this song would be the greatest move of your careers. First off you'd now be a political band and critics would cream their pants when your other cds came out. Second, you shed your "coldgay" persona. Prove your manliness further by challenging U2 to a cage fight. Hey, have tickets for sale and proceeds go to AIDS in Africa. That way everyone wins. Even Bono can feel good about something while you shove your boot and 1,000 years of oppression up his ass. Who didn't cheer when Forrest Whiticker got plastered by that truck in the Crying Game, anyway? "I can't help it said the scorpion. Its my nature." Shut the fuck up, bitch. If King Henry wants to start a church so that he can divorse his wives and butcher them because his sperm sucks then you faggot ass Irish bitches better not complain. Oh we allready got the big island you just want the smaller one? Shut the fuck up, bitch. If we want to polute and confuse people with our stupid traffic rules on two islands thats exactally what the fuck we're going to do. Thats the attidude i want to see Chris. Tell Bono to shut the fuck up, already. If you did these things even I would go to the store and buy your CDs and I assure you that that is saying alot.


                                                                                    Your Possible Fan,



P.S. Bono told me he did Gweneth last night. He also said he took Apple for a ride too. I believe his exact words were..."You're never too young to get a bono in ya." Then he told me he dug up your grandma and had his way with her too. "Choice piece of ass Chris's grandma was," he bragged. 

Monday, January 16, 2006

The Myth of Tantalus

Albert Camus, famous Algerian writer, wrote one of the most famous and analyzed essays of the modern times called The Myth of Sisyphus. In case you have never read it, you should, he argues a bizarre case that Sisyphus was in fact happy. In case you don't know who Sisyphus is, you should, hes the guy from greek mythology that has been condemned to eternal suffering in the underworld. His punishment is to shove a large boulder up a hill and over the ledge, but every time he gets to the very top it rolls back down at the last second. How could this guy be happy? Camus' argument compacted into a very small nutshell is that besides all that Sysiphus has something no one can take away, a sense of purpose. And with this sense of purpose he is happy.

But what about Tantalus, Sisyphus's buddy in eternal damnation? I think its time we went there. I present the Myth of Tantalus:

Tantalus, if one were to believe Homer, is another of the underworld's eternal sufferers. I'm sure theres reasons for his punishment, but that would require research now wouldn't it? Anyways, his punishment is that he wades forever in the river Styx. However, if he bends over to touch the water to his lips and drink the water moves away from around him just out of reach of his thirsty tongue. Above him hover fresh and delicious fruits, but if he raises his hand to grab one they slither up just a few inches and out of his reach.  

Dude...That sucks. You're thirsty all the time. Hungry all the time. And worst of all its all right there in front of you. Without further ado I'd like to conclude that Tantalus is, in fact, not happy. Yep, I'm going to go as far as to say that hes probably pretty unhappy.

So yeah, being Tantalus sucks. Sucks the hardcore. To further prove my point I'd like to resort to personal experience. I got my wisdom teeth taken out last monday and for about three days I was kind of like Tantalus. I'd walk into the kitchen mad hungry. There would be an apple. Ripe and juicy just staring at me, but as I put it in front of my mouth my teeth clamp shut like jail bars containing my tongue. And what did that poor tongue ever do? Nothing. You bastards. That was only three days and man did that suck the hardcore.

In conclusion, I'd like to add another point to Camus' argument about Sisyphus being happy. Besides all that sense of purpose yadi yada...On his way down from the top of his hill to reclaim his boulder to try again, Sisyphus would see Tantalus in the background trying to dive into the water and cracking his skull on the bottom as it slides out of the way. Seeing that who doesn't kind of smile on the inside and think to themselves, "oh man. thank god i'm not that guy"? 

Friday, January 13, 2006

Fuck The Poker Gods

A day of dramatic(dramatically terrible) online poker(i had my wisdom teeth removed. what else am i supposed to do?) came to an appropriatly dramatic closure about ten minutes ago. Four way all-in. I have pocket queens. I'm up against AJ, AJ, and 99. Things are looking good. Flop is A K J. God damnit. Theres only two aces left in the deck but of course one of them has to fall. But wait. A glimmer of hope. They are all spades and I have the queen of spades. Another spade gives me the nut flush. Another queen still gives me trips. A ten makes me a straight. The ten of spades a straight flush. So I say to god, it hasnt been a good day. Lose with trips on the flop to runner runner full house for the guy who had midpair type of bad day. So if you could please find it in your heart to just give me this one card. Any of the 14 outs. Just one of them, then that would be great. He gives me 6 and 7 of hearts. In case you were wondering, thats a "no."

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Letter Of Complaint

Dear Imaginary World Management,

         I've always been impressed by the majority of your work force over the years. Santa always plants presents under my tree every Christmas even if I don't ask for anything. On Easter there are always chocolates scattered around the house thanks to your faithful employee, the Easter Bunny. However, I am dismayed to report the failure in one of your main work force. Yesterday I recieved surgery to have my wisdom teeth removed. In a day of pain and an uncomfortable night the only thing I was looking forward to was waking this morning to find shinny coins or bills in the place of those ugly, bloody teeth under my pillow. However, no such luck. So now you know which employee I am unhappy with, the Tooth Ferry. Perhaps she takes people off of her monitoring list after they reach a certain age. Or maybe she just forgot. Either way her job description is very simple, and in the future I expect her to deliver. All I ask is that you tell her to pay closer attention next time. Thank You.


                                                                                          Siggi Asztalos

Tuesday, January 3, 2006

The Oszkars

Note: Unlike the Oscar’s I haven’t seen every movie that came out this year so if you feel something has not been correctly represented that’s probably because I haven’t seen the movie.


Best Movie: Munich

Best Director: Spielberg(Munich)

Best Leading Actor: Viggo Mortensen(History of Violence)

Best Leading Actress:   Rachel Weisz(Constant Gardener)

Best Supporting Actor: Ed Harris(History of Violence)

Best Supporting Actress: Maria Bello(History of Violence)

Best Looking Movie: War of the Worlds

Best Original Screenplay: Stephen Gaghan(Syriana)

Best Adapted Screenplay: Tony Kushner(Munich)

Best Animated Movie: Corpse Bride

Best Sound/Score: Syriana

Pleasant Surprise: History of Violence

Surprisingly Watchable: Sahara

Top Five:

                 5.)  Serenity

                 4.)  Syriana, Constant Gardener

                 3.)  Cache

                 2.)  History of Violence

                 1.)  Muich


Worst Movie: Last Days

Probably Even Worse: Aeon Flux

Worst Director: Gus Van Sant(Last Days)

Worst Actor: Jim Carey(Dick and Jane) –note: never saw it but I just know.

Worst Actress: Diane Keaton(Family Stone) –note: once again I just know.

Worst Concept: The Island

Worst Plot: War of the Worlds

Worst Screen Play: Last Days

Surprisingly Awful: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Biggest Waste of Money: War of the Worlds, King Kong

Most Overrated: Crash

Biggest Disappointment: Kingdom of  Heaven  

Setting Things Straight:

-         Wedding Crashers, funny for the first 20 minutes.

-        Sin City, decent, severely flawed and uneven.

-         Star Wars, still crap always was crap just not this bad.

-         Harry Potter, please feed it more money you morons.

-         Dukes of Hazard, saw it? Consider killing yourself then.

-         Batman, not as good as you delude yourself into thinking. Not even the best of the series.

-         Note to Hollywood: stop making horror movies, or at least shitty ones.

-    Note  to Peter Jackson: come on. king kong?

Bottom Five:

                     5.) The Island

                     4.) King Kong

                     3.) War of the Worlds

                     2.) Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

                     1.) Last Days

                     0.) Special Award for one of the worst movies of all time: The Devil's