Monday, January 16, 2006

The Myth of Tantalus

Albert Camus, famous Algerian writer, wrote one of the most famous and analyzed essays of the modern times called The Myth of Sisyphus. In case you have never read it, you should, he argues a bizarre case that Sisyphus was in fact happy. In case you don't know who Sisyphus is, you should, hes the guy from greek mythology that has been condemned to eternal suffering in the underworld. His punishment is to shove a large boulder up a hill and over the ledge, but every time he gets to the very top it rolls back down at the last second. How could this guy be happy? Camus' argument compacted into a very small nutshell is that besides all that Sysiphus has something no one can take away, a sense of purpose. And with this sense of purpose he is happy.

But what about Tantalus, Sisyphus's buddy in eternal damnation? I think its time we went there. I present the Myth of Tantalus:

Tantalus, if one were to believe Homer, is another of the underworld's eternal sufferers. I'm sure theres reasons for his punishment, but that would require research now wouldn't it? Anyways, his punishment is that he wades forever in the river Styx. However, if he bends over to touch the water to his lips and drink the water moves away from around him just out of reach of his thirsty tongue. Above him hover fresh and delicious fruits, but if he raises his hand to grab one they slither up just a few inches and out of his reach.  

Dude...That sucks. You're thirsty all the time. Hungry all the time. And worst of all its all right there in front of you. Without further ado I'd like to conclude that Tantalus is, in fact, not happy. Yep, I'm going to go as far as to say that hes probably pretty unhappy.

So yeah, being Tantalus sucks. Sucks the hardcore. To further prove my point I'd like to resort to personal experience. I got my wisdom teeth taken out last monday and for about three days I was kind of like Tantalus. I'd walk into the kitchen mad hungry. There would be an apple. Ripe and juicy just staring at me, but as I put it in front of my mouth my teeth clamp shut like jail bars containing my tongue. And what did that poor tongue ever do? Nothing. You bastards. That was only three days and man did that suck the hardcore.

In conclusion, I'd like to add another point to Camus' argument about Sisyphus being happy. Besides all that sense of purpose yadi yada...On his way down from the top of his hill to reclaim his boulder to try again, Sisyphus would see Tantalus in the background trying to dive into the water and cracking his skull on the bottom as it slides out of the way. Seeing that who doesn't kind of smile on the inside and think to themselves, "oh man. thank god i'm not that guy"? 

Friday, January 13, 2006

Fuck The Poker Gods

A day of dramatic(dramatically terrible) online poker(i had my wisdom teeth removed. what else am i supposed to do?) came to an appropriatly dramatic closure about ten minutes ago. Four way all-in. I have pocket queens. I'm up against AJ, AJ, and 99. Things are looking good. Flop is A K J. God damnit. Theres only two aces left in the deck but of course one of them has to fall. But wait. A glimmer of hope. They are all spades and I have the queen of spades. Another spade gives me the nut flush. Another queen still gives me trips. A ten makes me a straight. The ten of spades a straight flush. So I say to god, it hasnt been a good day. Lose with trips on the flop to runner runner full house for the guy who had midpair type of bad day. So if you could please find it in your heart to just give me this one card. Any of the 14 outs. Just one of them, then that would be great. He gives me 6 and 7 of hearts. In case you were wondering, thats a "no."

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Letter Of Complaint

Dear Imaginary World Management,

         I've always been impressed by the majority of your work force over the years. Santa always plants presents under my tree every Christmas even if I don't ask for anything. On Easter there are always chocolates scattered around the house thanks to your faithful employee, the Easter Bunny. However, I am dismayed to report the failure in one of your main work force. Yesterday I recieved surgery to have my wisdom teeth removed. In a day of pain and an uncomfortable night the only thing I was looking forward to was waking this morning to find shinny coins or bills in the place of those ugly, bloody teeth under my pillow. However, no such luck. So now you know which employee I am unhappy with, the Tooth Ferry. Perhaps she takes people off of her monitoring list after they reach a certain age. Or maybe she just forgot. Either way her job description is very simple, and in the future I expect her to deliver. All I ask is that you tell her to pay closer attention next time. Thank You.

                                                                                          Sincerely,

                                                                                          Siggi Asztalos

Tuesday, January 3, 2006

The Oszkars

Note: Unlike the Oscar’s I haven’t seen every movie that came out this year so if you feel something has not been correctly represented that’s probably because I haven’t seen the movie.

 

Best Movie: Munich

Best Director: Spielberg(Munich)

Best Leading Actor: Viggo Mortensen(History of Violence)

Best Leading Actress:   Rachel Weisz(Constant Gardener)

Best Supporting Actor: Ed Harris(History of Violence)

Best Supporting Actress: Maria Bello(History of Violence)

Best Looking Movie: War of the Worlds

Best Original Screenplay: Stephen Gaghan(Syriana)

Best Adapted Screenplay: Tony Kushner(Munich)

Best Animated Movie: Corpse Bride

Best Sound/Score: Syriana

Pleasant Surprise: History of Violence

Surprisingly Watchable: Sahara

Top Five:

                 5.)  Serenity

                 4.)  Syriana, Constant Gardener

                 3.)  Cache

                 2.)  History of Violence

                 1.)  Muich

 

Worst Movie: Last Days

Probably Even Worse: Aeon Flux

Worst Director: Gus Van Sant(Last Days)

Worst Actor: Jim Carey(Dick and Jane) –note: never saw it but I just know.

Worst Actress: Diane Keaton(Family Stone) –note: once again I just know.

Worst Concept: The Island

Worst Plot: War of the Worlds

Worst Screen Play: Last Days

Surprisingly Awful: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Biggest Waste of Money: War of the Worlds, King Kong

Most Overrated: Crash

Biggest Disappointment: Kingdom of  Heaven  

Setting Things Straight:

-         Wedding Crashers, funny for the first 20 minutes.

-        Sin City, decent, severely flawed and uneven.

-         Star Wars, still crap always was crap just not this bad.

-         Harry Potter, please feed it more money you morons.

-         Dukes of Hazard, saw it? Consider killing yourself then.

-         Batman, not as good as you delude yourself into thinking. Not even the best of the series.

-         Note to Hollywood: stop making horror movies, or at least shitty ones.

-    Note  to Peter Jackson: come on. king kong?

Bottom Five:

                     5.) The Island

                     4.) King Kong

                     3.) War of the Worlds

                     2.) Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

                     1.) Last Days

                     0.) Special Award for one of the worst movies of all time: The Devil's  

                          Rejects