Monday, March 27, 2006

Dear Coldplay

Dear Coldplay,

Since you guys are so fucking big inevitably millions of articles and interviews are appearing in magazines about your band. One popular topic of discussion I noticed was the Coldplay and U2 compare and contrast. Most of the time everyone said things along the line of "Coldplay is the new U2." However, one magazine shut you guys down saying, "Coldplay will never be the next U2." Their rational was that though Coldplay is basically as big as U2 and basically as homosexual what separates U2 and puts them in a different catagory is that they have songs like Bloody Sunday and Where The Streets Have No Name for each With or Without You and Fagalalalala or whatever the fuck their new songs are called. So at present you guys aren't even the next Cranberries apparently. But this is a very easy problem to fix. Just make a political song. I've written the chorus below just fill in the verses:

Bloody Sunday(Fuck Yeah!)

Sunday, Bloody Sunday

(Fuck Yeah Bitch)

Sunday, Bloody Sunday

(you bringin’ banners to a gun fight?)

Sunday, Bloody Sunday

(don’t you guys read history books? Boston, Hello.)

Sunday, Bloody Sunday

(You don’t sit the fuck down there’s gonna be a…)

Monday Bloody, Monday

 

Writing this song would be the greatest move of your careers. First off you'd now be a political band and critics would cream their pants when your other cds came out. Second, you shed your "coldgay" persona. Prove your manliness further by challenging U2 to a cage fight. Hey, have tickets for sale and proceeds go to AIDS in Africa. That way everyone wins. Even Bono can feel good about something while you shove your boot and 1,000 years of oppression up his ass. Who didn't cheer when Forrest Whiticker got plastered by that truck in the Crying Game, anyway? "I can't help it said the scorpion. Its my nature." Shut the fuck up, bitch. If King Henry wants to start a church so that he can divorse his wives and butcher them because his sperm sucks then you faggot ass Irish bitches better not complain. Oh we allready got the big island you just want the smaller one? Shut the fuck up, bitch. If we want to polute and confuse people with our stupid traffic rules on two islands thats exactally what the fuck we're going to do. Thats the attidude i want to see Chris. Tell Bono to shut the fuck up, already. If you did these things even I would go to the store and buy your CDs and I assure you that that is saying alot.

 

                                                                                    Your Possible Fan,

                                                                                    Siggi.

 

P.S. Bono told me he did Gweneth last night. He also said he took Apple for a ride too. I believe his exact words were..."You're never too young to get a bono in ya." Then he told me he dug up your grandma and had his way with her too. "Choice piece of ass Chris's grandma was," he bragged.