Sunday, July 23, 2006

BK STAKER

Have you seen the new Burger King commercials for the BK Staker? The little migits stack meat and chese and when anyone tries to bring by anything with any nutritional value they get ridiculed. But regardless. The horrific part of the commercial is at the very end where they show all the stakers lined up next to each other. Theres the double, two patties, two pieces of cheese, bacon, and a bun. Then theres the triple. And then no lie. By god the most disgusting thing ive ever witnessed, the quadruple. Yes thats four fat saturated patties, four pieces of lard filled cheese, and slimy bacon dripping between two thin pieces of bread. Unless the reason for its existance is to weed out the scum of the population (whenever anyone orders one then they are immediatly taken out back and shot) then it should be eliminated from the face of the earth. I mean who actually orders one of those? No one worth living thats for sure. Unless you order one for your family and bring a loaf of bread with you to save some money or because you're trying to win a double dog dare than the penalty for such treason should be immediate death. Yes treason. Anyone who orders one is a disgrace to this country. Actually the planet. But theres no word for commiting a crime against the planet. Well now we have one...you commited quadstack.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Lady in the Water

M. Night is back. Since Sixth Sense his movies have been spiraling into new depths of shit. Lets face it. We all know that like all his movies this one is going to have a twist ending. Its his stunt to keep his movies at the top of the box office charts regardless of how mind bogglingly terrible they are. Sixth Sense and Unbreakable's twist were discoverable while watching the movie. Signs was unexpected. Unexpectadly stupid that is. As for The Village. Um yeah I think we all had to see the trailer once before we pinpointed that one. This new one though, Lady in the Water, seems a little trickier. From the trailer I really have no fucking idea what its about and whats going on. Regardless heres my guess. Paul Giamatti is some loser whose hiding from his life. In the past he probably was something respectable like a doctor or lawyer but messed up big and hides from himself as an apartment super. In comes the water bitch. Heres his chance to be brave. To redeem himself. The rest of the movie is him and the tenants trying to figure out how to help her. Like in all M. Night movies theres always someone, or some book, or some thing, that describes exactally what is happening to them regardless of how out of the ordinary. Like in Signs the book about aliens the kid had which mysteriously describes the movie exactaly. In Unbreakable the mystical comic book Samuel L finds by awkwardly running into the wall over and over as the guy tries to wheel him out. According to the synopsis at the official website they are all given powers by the lady. This is definitly going to be some Donnie Darko rip off bullshit where everyone has a weird role in saving the chick and doesnt know it but discovers throughout the movie. So then theres this mystical beast. Don't know whats up with that, but I guess the point of the movie is them trying to figure out how to kill it. This is going to be just like Signs. When they interpret the book/story/message/whatever and figure out how to combine their powers the beast will die. Sing away Cleveland Heep. And then they all realize their importance to the world. Signs 2 it should be called. Thats not really a twist though. Maybe the beast and bitch are fake and set this all up so that paul and the tenants could play this game and prove themselves. Maybe god parts the clouds once the bitch is saved and says good job. I told you all my creatures are important. I dont know. Its going to be whack. What I do know is that this movie is going to be abysmal. Like even worse than Signs bad. So someones going to have to give me a briefing after seeing it cuz I sure as hell aint.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

You know your dad grew up in a soviet occupied country...

If you wake up on weekends to the sounds of the lawnmower at six in the morning. He asked you to do it, but cut it anyway so that he could tell you in the morning when you wake up and say, "Some of us are working when you sleep in your bed all day you lazy like American."

If your dad has ever used the phrase "Is good one."

If your dad mixes up verb conjugations as much as they can be ie I goes, you goes, he go to the store.

If in childhood pictures you're wearing the same clothes in every single photograph.

If you go out to eat as often as total solar eclipses occur on the same day of a new species finding.

If after 26 hours of awakeness you've been forced to watch from your car window two dozen Holiday Inns, Best Westerns, and Marriots go by listening to your father's endless grunt at 3:30 in the morning of "Where the hell is a Motel 6?"

If you never had a potato chip until you were 14.

If you've ever tried to throw out a 3 month old banana that doesn't have a spot of yellow left on it to be stopped by your dad by the words, "What are you doing? I'm waiting for that to ripen."

If your dad's arguement to the social services lady ever was "If no kill, make you stronger, no?"

If instead of babysitters you had a stack of books and furniture in front of the door to bar you in. As well as a verbal threat: "I put tape on the outside of the door. If it is not attached when I come home I will randomly select one of you to kill."

If every Olympics and World Championships all you hear is "Take that America. You think you are so good at everything."

If his stories begin like such: "I remember when my best friend Janos had his arm ripped off at the factory. Poor eight year old boy." Or end as such: "So after three days of waiting at the bottom of the tree the wolves finally gave up. I slid down and crawled the hundred and thirty miles home for they had previously bitten off both of my legs." At which point you look under the table but before you can open your mouth..."ARE YOU CALLING ME A LIAR?!!?!!"

If the scariest people you have ever met in the world are your dad's friends.

If your dad doesn't know what position the pitcher is in baseball.

If your dad's ever asked, "Did anyone else hear the deer nibbling the grass out back last night around 4 in the morning?"

If your dad calls Skittles, Starbursts, and Gummy Bears "Frooties."

If your dad leaves the house on weekdays at six in the morning and gets home at seven at night.

If your dad makes more money in a day then he spends in a year.

If  your dad has ever said, "No. You can either have  Raphael or Splinter. Not both." on your birthday when the combined cost of both is 4.50.

If after a fried chicken and potatoes meal there's nothing on your dad's plate. Yes, not even bones.

If your dad's ever in his life had to piss on the toilet seat intentionally to warm it up before using it.

If your dad's ever said, "Back in Soviet..."

The Unparalleled Idiots

Unparalleled Idiot 1: Unparalleled Idiot 2, can you pass me the peas.

Unparalleled Idiot 2: Of course, Unparalleled Idiot 1.

Unparalleled Idiot 1: What's the plans for after dinner Unparalleled Idiots?

Unparalleled Idiot 3: I don't know. I think its raining.

Unparalleled Idiot 1: Go look out the window for me, Unparalleled Idiot 3. Tell me what you see.

Unparalleled Idiot 3: Well its storming pretty bad, Unparalleled Idiot 1. There's a foot of water in the street and a large tree fell blocking our driveway. Looks like people are boarding up their windows. At least the ones that haven't allready evacuated.

Unparalleled Idiot 1: Interesting. What time is it Unparalleled Idiot 4?

Unparalleled Idiot 4: Seven thirty.

Unparalleled Idiot 1: And when does the pool close?

Unparalleled Idiot 4: Eight.

Unparalleled Idiot1: How long do you think it would take us to get there Unparalleled Idiot 3?

Unparalleled Idiot 3: Oh I don't know. Fifteen. Maybe ten minutes if we hurry.

Unparalleled Idiot 1: You heard the man. We're going to the pool. Anyone not in the car in thirty seconds can't come.

Unparalleled Idiot 4: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Up Close and Personal

Apparently thats what a dragonfly looks like up close I discovered the other day. Whatever flowers they're eating we need to find them pronto.

Wednesday, July 5, 2006

Mini Blogs

1.) You ever hung up your cell phone while driving and realized that for the past three minutes or so you haven't even been aware that you were driving? I don't mean you haven't been paying attention to the road but like completely unaware of the fact you were drving in general. So I look into the rear view to check to see if maybe the road was completely straight and thats the only reason I'm alive. Straight as an arrow. Still here baby.

2.) You ever go to the dentist and the assistant tells you that you need to floss more? Their rationale is always the same: your gums are bleeding. Your gums are bleeding after I have been stabing your flesh with sharp metal objects. Whose gums dont bleed when you stab them with knives. Better yet what part of the human body doesnt bleed when you stab it with sharp metal objects. My ass would bleed if you stabbed it with metal objects. Should I  floss my ass? Why don't you just get the dentist you useless high school flunky dental hygenist? Oh your son is going to college next year. Thats fanfuckingtastic. I would be going into my senior year, but now I'm not so sure. Last time you told me to spit I noticed that a quarter of the blood from my body was in that little sink.

3.) Apparently all cool fireworks have been illegalized around the counrty. Remember cherry bombs? Black cats. That was the shit. Now every firework says the same thing: "emits sparks of colors." Back in a day we had a name for those, sparklers. Sparklers are the ryan seacrest of fireworks.  So for next 4th of July or new years actually here are some suggestions for easy to make fireworks at home:

                          1. cut 100 grapes in half and place them side by side in your  
                              microwave and start that shit up. Sounds lame? Trust me.
                          2. styrephome + gasonline = napalm. or at least sludge that will burn
                             for hours and hours. styrephome + gasonline +  gunpowder +
                             duck tape + tennis ball = rain of fire.
                          3.  throw a mannequin off of a highway overpass. preferably when 18
                              wheelers are passing by.
                          4. put a match to a guidos hair. (guidos can be found on Long Island)
                              warning: some guidos have so many chemicals in their hair that this
                              may end the earth as we know it.
                          5. soak a klu klux klan uniform in gasonline and place it on a mannequin
                              set on the corner of gang land.
                          6. puor a small amount of gasoline into an anocondas mouth and then
                              shot a flair at it. According to anocondas 2: hunt for the blood orchid
                              this causes a ten mega ton explosion.

4.) Carl Crawford stole home in tonights game against the sox which to comply with previous promises makes him my favorite baseball player slash general hero in life.