Monday, October 29, 2007

When Did Football Players Start Complaining More Than Baseball Players?

I ask the above question because its usually baseball players that whine like babies about the game("but I want 30 million a year : ( "), but ever since the Patriots have been tooling on the league the NFL has been showing their feminine side.

At least the Jets accusations early in the season had substance. Substance in that we did video tape them, but lack of substance in the fact that it was our video tapes that granted us victory. It probably had more to do with how much the Jets suck who have proved how little worth video taping any part of their strategy is by going 1-7 so far this season.

But after yesterdays game we're getting into goo goo ga ga territory. Trounced 52-7 Redskins lineman Randall Godfrey had the following to say about Bill Belichick(I know the man's such an asshole for winning games):
     "I said something to (Belichick) after the game," Godfrey said to "I  told him, 'You need to show some respect
     for the game.' You just don't do that. I  don't care how bad it is.
     You're up 35 points and you're still throwing  deep? That's  
     no  respect....

    "You look at all the great head coaches ... I'm just disappointed," he  
     said. "You gotta show some class, show some respect. Joe Gibbs? We
     wouldn't have done that. Bill Walsh? You wouldn't see those types of
     guys doing that stuff. I've never seen nothing like that. Most teams,
     you get up like that you sit on the ball and try to run the time
     out. They're up 30-some points and they're throwing deep. That was
     blatant disrespect. I hope we can see them again, definitely. You don't
     see Joe Gibbs doing that. You can't even imagine that kind of stuff
     coming from him. Joe Gibbs. Bill Walsh. Bill Parcells. This isn't like
     college going for power rankings. This is the pros you show
     some respect, show some class."

Randall then went on to complaining about how the cookies supplied in the locker room did not have enough chocolate chips in them, saying "...its either a sugar cookie or you put some [chocolate] chips in the mother f*@%er. Ain't no type of cookie in between wit three or four chips only."

Lets take a look at some reasons this statement is ridonculous:

1. We were up by over thirty after the first half. It takes a pretty loose interpretation of "run out the clock" to refer to half of the football game.

"Alright guys. We're up by thirty and the Skins only have half an hour to score points so no more passing. Tom you're out. Cassel get in there. I'm gonna go home and play Halo 3. Here son. You take over"
"Dad I'm only 16."
"Its fine. You're a Belichick...Plus we're up by thirty with only a half left. The games in the bag. Just use the 'ask Madden' feature if you get stuck....Rodney, Vrabel, Wilfork, Wes, Izzo, and Ellis....You guys play Halo right? Alright. Get changed. LAN party at my house in forty."

2. Sorry for keeping our starters in a little longer and trying out some plays when we have to play a team that doesn't suck next week.

3. We won 52-7 because you guys turned over half a dozen times. Sorry for capitalizing and not just giving you the ball back with a Patriotic pat on the ass.

4. We did put the second string in. And Cassel ran it in for a touchdown proving that if we really wanted to disrespect you we would have put the cheerleaders into uniform to score the last 14 points of the game.

The Sox trounced Colorado  in four games outscoring them 29 to 10 I think.  Matt Holiday didn't  complain about us letting Papelbon close each game. I mean we should have put Lugo on the mound to give them a chance right?  Maybe some sportsmanship can rub off on Randall Godfrey and all the whinners in football recently.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Females. Come on.

Recently my brother alerted me to a horrible statistic. I had to look it up to make sure that it was valid and it is. According to Barry Schwartz's  the Paradox of Choice: Why More is Less the majority of 13 year old girls from all demographics in America polled listed shopping as their number one favorite thing to do in the world.  This is obvious, its the percentage that shopping won by that is horrifying. Not 25% or 33% or even 50%. Nope. 93%. Yep 93 percent of chicks can think of nothing more important in life than going shopping.

It gets even worse as you think about the last 7%. I'm assuming 4 percent of those chicks are Bible Belters who listed "worshiping Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior" as their favorite activity. These girls are even more terrifying than the capitalist shop sluts. Of the remaining 3 percent, 2 percent probably said "facebook" or "watching the hills" as their favorite thing to do and of course put shopping at number 2. That leaves 1 percent. 0.5% are far too impoverished to shop but if they could they'd list it as number one. And 0.3% are physically incapable of shopping because they're handicap, but again would have listed shopping as number one if they, you know, had legs and stuff.

That leaves 0.2% that said something at least somewhat worthy.  To those 2 girls out of every thousand  that rather do stupid things like read, be with family, see the world, or do sports over shopping I salute you. You are worthy of being a Budwiser Real American Hero any day.

Super Siggi Look Alikes

Planet in Peril

So I'm sitting around watching CNN's Planet in Peril with like Anderson Cooper and company and they're talking about how even the smallest changes in the climate and water levels can have dire consequences. Which got me wondering about the following:

You know how nothing can travel faster than the speed of light? So what if I found a magical webcam and when I waved my hand on one end someone in Australia saw the wave almost instantly and in fact the information arrived at twice the speed of light. Then what? Does the world explode?

Or what if instead of freezing at 0 deg. celcius all the water in the world decides to freeze at 0.001 deg. What then? Does the world just explode?

Or what if everyones farts stopped smelling like doodie but instead smelt like cinnamon(like mine)? Then what? Do we all start farting until someone lights a match and the world explodes?

Or what if I turned on Fox one day and there was a good show on that caught my attention? What then? Does the world explode? I know my brain would.

Frakly I don't know how the world hasn't already exploded.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Network Pitch

Reality TV was getting so bad that it was actually starting to die out. "New revolutionary season of Survivor" my ass. Wow. Its in China. Same shit. Whatever. Only MTV seems to push the shit anymore with tripe like the Hills and about five other shows about being rich and spoiled.

Then came the reality TV revolution....Kid Nation. No lie, this is the best premise I've ever seen for a reality TV show. Kids in a desert left to fend for themselves. We get to witness selfishness, racism, and egotism and its earliest forms. If we're lucky one of them is a radical religious freak that gets burned alive. They might as well call the show Lord of the Flies and get it over with. The fact that every soccer mom in America is complaining and that every lawyer in the area is looking into the child labor laws in New Mexico where the show is filmed only makes we love it more. Apart from filming a recreation of the Children's Crusade with cameras this is the best thing ever.

Hopefully the producers didn't botch it. No stupid challenges that upon completion earn McDonald's; just hunting and farming with hands and feet. No editing out of all the racial slurs I know were tossed around endlessly and of course if two of those 12 year olds decide to get hot and heavy then no one intervenes. This isn't America. Its Kid Nation, baby.  Let them kill and fuck. That's awesome TV and more than ever we need it.

While we're at it here's my reality TV show pitch. Battle Royale. Kidding. Though that would be awesome. Can't they just do it with body armor and rubber bullets. Even then it would be the greatest thing to ever hit TV. But seriously:

Mr. Douche

The premise is that we tell a couple of students we're making a reality show about them going to school and shit. In reality all we're focused on is that they're all signed up for one class which is being taught by an actor acting as the biggest asshole on earth. The parents are in on it so whenever Heather goes home to complain all she gets is a speech about how she's always looking for excuses about her lack of commitment to school or what not. Some of the class would also be in on it leading to endless set up possibilities:

Mr. Douche: Where's your paper?
Student: I thought I had it. I must have left it home. I'm sorry. Can I bring it in tomorrow with a penalty?
Mr: Douche: Not unless you print it on soft, plush paper cuz I'm gonna wipe my ass with it.
She runs out the room crying.
Mr. Douche: Yeah. Go tell the principal...I fucked her brains out last night. She don't care.
He smiles at one of the girls in the front row thats horrified by all this and grabs his crotch.
Mr. Douche: How old are you, babe?

TV heaven baby. But unlike similar shit fests like My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance we keep this to a few episodes not a season long thing and then move on to the next prank. Something about AIDS. I'm thinking...

Ain't Worth 50 Cent

Some lines from 50 Cent's new song off the new album:

Amusement Park(yes, thats the actual title)

Now you can ride the horse around the carousel
Expolsion, trojans, all in the hotel
Put me to the test girl, I dont fail
I work it out, without a doubt
Theres plenty water rides I'm sure to get you wet in the park
Have you lusters seductions considered or not
Throw a hoop around the bottle
I'll be your teddy bear
Whatever color you like, you know I dont care
I really wanna thank you for attending this affair
Now go encourage your friends to come have fun here

I did not make any of that up. Those are seriously the lyrics to his song. Yes, they are that bad. When I read the comments at the bottom of the page I almost punched myself in the dick...

"50 u know you got a body baby DAM you buff as HELL! I love this song
u get a 5 out of me yo song Hot!

Dis dat gurl dey call Sexy_G00fy and Im owt"

God I hate thirteen year old black girls. It was reported that 50 made statements claiming that if Kanye sold more copies of his new album also being released today on the anniversary of 9/11(RIP victims...I hope you like crap) then he would quit the business.  Inspired by Varuca Salt I went out and bought 100,000 copies of Kanye's album.  Of course it sucks too, but 50 inadvertently gave him the best advertising platform in the history of the world. If i still don't get a golden ticket aka headline reading '50 true to his word' then I'm gonne shove this sharpie in my hand up my urethra. And that's my fucking word.

Thursday, September 6, 2007


Customer support lines are the bane off all fucking existence. Its like you have two reasons to dread shit breaking. 1.  Your shits broken. Can't use it.  2.  You have to call customer support and six hours later you understand why there will always be hate crimes, terrorism, and genocide. Here are two personal episodes:


Best customer support my ass. Here's the pretext to this conversation. I've already blown a whole day previously trying to get hardware support expired warranty. They tell me they're going to send me a prepaid box so i can send my laptop in. Problem is they forget to put a return sticker on the inside. Now all i need is one stupid fucking sticker but all i got is one lame ass 800 number to get to it.

(20 minutes of i shit you not Alanis Morissett and stuff. I literally have the receiver five feet from my face cringing )
Guy 1: Hi, you've reached Dell. This is dumbest person alive speaking. Can I get your telephone number, name, and address please?
Me: Yeah. Hi. Actually I just need you to connect me to hardware support expired warranty.
Guy 1: Okay, but if I could just have your information first. Full name?
Me: Hardware support. Last name, expired warranty.
Guy 1: Excuse me? I didn't catch that.
(I give him my information. You all know my name isn't fucking Bob Smith so this takes like ten fucking years.)
Guy 1: Okay and what seems to be the problem?
Me: I just need you to connect me to hardware support expired warranty.
Guy 1: Okay, but what model Dell is it, sir?
Me: Inspiron.
Guy 1: Okay. What I'm gonna do is connect you to the Inspiron branch. If you could hold for a moment.
Me: No. I need-
(hold for ten minutes. Classical music, though. Slightly happier.)
Guy 2: Dell Inspiron. Dumber than the last guy you talked to speaking. Can I please get your name, phone, and address?
Me: Actually I just need you to connect me to hardware support expired warranty.
Guy 2: Okay, but if i could just have your personal information for our records.
(another century passes. "yes, 'Z' as in 'Zebra'."- "So that's A-S-C" - "Z you asshole. What the fuck is a Cebra?")
Guy 2: Okay, well you seem to be having a hardware failure so I'm going to patch you along to hardware support.
Me: Expired warranty?
(more holding. I'd surf the web but my computers broken so I'm watching family feud. Mildly amusing.)
Guy 3: Hardware support how can I help you?
Me: Okay is this expired warranty? Cuz mine is. I already talked to them. I need expired warranty.
Guy 3: What's the problem? Maybe I can help. (I explain that all i need is a sticker. or hell. he could just tell me the address) Okay. Can i get your serial number. (I tell him)...Okay, sir. That system actually comes up as under an expired warranty.
Me: No shit. I told you that.
Guy 3: Yeah, so I'm gonna have to connect you to them-

At this point I'm on hold for five minutes when I realize I have to go. I need to be somewhere at five and for some stupid reason I thought calling at 3:15 to get a sticker would be ample time considering I knew exactly what department I needed.  Well I guess I'm really the dumb fucking idiot here. Who in their right mind would think that's enough time?

Either way, they wanted like 700 to fix it. Thing was 1000 four years before. So they send it back and I got duck tape holding it together and if I watch a you tube movie I have to pause it halfway in, flip my laptop upside down, and blow a fan on it manually. Thanks Dell. You guys rock.


I call comcast and get cable and internet package for 120 a month. Thinking this is pure anal rapage(it is) I call back for an explanation or a better deal.

Comcast: Comcast. What can I do for you?
Me: Yeah, I'm paying 120 for internet and cable. I can get an RCN premium package for 120 (true but RCN doesn't serve our address so I'm praying this fucktard doesn't know that). Isn't there some contract we can sign for a year to bring that down?
Comcast: No. (a lie)
Me: No?
Comcast: The best I can do is offer you the same package for 80 for the first 9 months. Is that something you would consider?
Me: Why wouldn't I?
Comcast: Well, like I said, sir. Its only for the first 9 months. Do you still want to switch over?
Me: Let me see if I follow. Are you asking me if I'd rather pay 120 for every month of the year or 80 for the first nine and then 120 from then on?
Comcast: That's correct, sir.
Me: Is that a fucking rhetorical question?
Comcast: Sir. I'm gonna have to ask you to keep this at a professional level.
Me: Well I mean its one thing to get fucked up the ass no lubrication and then its just salt on the wound when your raper asks "If you liked it?"

Guy puts me on hold and I have to finish the deal off with the manager or some shit. What a fucking joke. Hopefully in nine months FIOS will be up in our neighborhood and we can pull our plugs out of Comcast's overpriced dusty vagina. Maybe by then I'll have a non Dell computer that you can't cook your steak on.

Saturday, August 4, 2007

Belknap Rap

By popular demand  verse 1 of the official Belknap song soon to be recorded called "The Sun Always Shines Over Belknap." Look out for the single dropping soon:

Sun creepin through the blinds, it nine in the morning.
So no doubt, of course I be snoring
When Carmen Electra pop up in my dream.
Her shirts getting wet when I hear the phone scream.
The ringing just tear through the silence.
So I pick up and I say “What up. Hi Liz.”
You have to work for me. Please. You must kid.
What about you? “My nana spontaneously combusted.
So I hang up not knowing if that shit shouldnt be trusted.
But I’m broke as fuck so I work another day even though I just did.
Bounce out the bed like a freaking pogo.
Slap on the guard shorts, sporting the Swiss logo.
In the car I got Cool G kicking it old school.
Within ten minutes I’m pulling into the old pool.
The second my feet hit the ground.
My smile flips upside down.
The swagger in my step gone as well.
The moment I step up in that hell.
But the day is slow until Ron pays a visit.
I remembered my ear plugs today, but that don’t fix it.
Asks me if I ever been to Italy. I say “no.”
By the time he wraps I don’t even havta go.
Then the clock strikes noon and its like a fucking western town.
Everybody shows up all at once like something bout to go down.
So I look at J-Dog and mouth the word shit.
Give the boy some daps and then we do our daily split.
But hey, at least now I got some eye candy.
Cuz Nick’s older sis just rolled in, and man she looking dandy.
But then I hear that rattling of keys.
Jack’s swinging from the trees.
Then there’s the monkeys.
Picking their fleas.
No friends kid, a fucking disease.
And everyone wants a god damn popsicle, but nobody says please.
You see?
So by three, I’m contemplating suicide.
Dosty walks in and the mind drifts toward homicide.
Then Iraneli trounces in at four.
Her oldest with a stick of butter so she can grease up the door.
My eyes on the clock every second from then on after.
Nothing worse at 4:30 then the sound of laughter.
Trey and the troop cast a little light on my evening.
But the clock hits five and I’m bouncing off the ceiling.
Bragging to E Becks that he staying and I’m leavin.
The boner in my pants about to start creamin.
So another day of summer gone down the drain.
And Iknow it sounds insane.
But I really can’t complain.
Working anywhere else would simply be lame.
I just wish. Just once. It would fucking rain.



Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Myth Bust

The other day I'm minding my own business, just pumping some gas, and talking on my cellphone when this huge dykotron starts yapping at me from the opposite pump. So I cover the receiver.

Yeah, miss. I'm trying to have a conversation here if you hadn't noticed.

Well apparently that was the problem. She starts rattling off some shit about how talking on the phone at a gas station can blow us all up. By this point theres another heifer mooing in my ear about the risks.

I'll have to call you back.

I hang up and turn to the cunts.

What? Explain this to me. Somehow the cell phone is supposed to give off a spark which by the way it never has. Not to me and I've never heard of anyone dropping their phone cuz it zaps them nor have I ever seen a warning: phone may electrocute you. Use at own risk. But lets say somehow it did. Then what? The current goes through my body, through the hose, and into the tank and blamo? Gimme a break.

They start yammering on about a bunch of bullshit "I heard" "Theres been reports." Blah blah blah, and all I could think of was that scene in Thank You For Smoking. You know the one:

My mom says second hand smoke kills.
Well is your mom a doctor?...Well she doesn't sound like a credible expert does she?

Except more like this:

Listen. Whats your name?
Okay Vicky, what do you do?
I'm a secretary at-
Okay. So what do you know about electricity-magnetism and heat dynamics? Nothing. Exactly. And in fact judging by your line of work you probably don't know much about anything besides bitching people like me cuz its the highlight of your miserable day. All I'm trying to say is that you have to question things. What if I told you that your jumbo size vibrator might explode and blow apart your already gapping vagina. Would you stop using it? Of course not. Cuz you haven't seen a dick since college when a frat boy slapped you across the face with his and said "Who is your daddy and what does he do?" in a
Schwarzenegger voice. And unless you want the event recreated right here and right now then get the hell out of my face.

I'd send an email to mythbusters but i mean its just too stupid. Whats Adam gonna do? Stand at a pump with a phone in his hand for four days realizing nothing is going to happen? Hell he could drop the phone in the gas tank and shit wouldn't happen besides the phone breaking.And maybe the car. So instead I'm just gonna call Discovery Channel or TLC and pitch them a new show. Future Weapons Housewife Encounters. Basically the guy on Future Weapons gives me all the guns from his show. Then I just go about my day and when I come into an encounter with one of these housewives about some insanely dumb shit (which is at least once or twice a week) it would play out like this:

Stupid Housewife: Excuse me, sir.
Me: What?
Stupid Housewife: Well, you see this is the express line, sir. Twelve items or less, and you clearly have thirteen.
Me: I have two. Learn to count.
Stupid Housewife: Well actually thats a twelve pack of coke. And then the gum. That makes thirteen.
Tracey the Cashier: Mam the 12 pack is considered one item.
Stupid Housewife: I want to speak to the manager then. Where's the manager?
Tracey: But mam. It's no-
Me: Tracey. Here. Let me take care of this.

At which point I would take out whatever gun Future Weapons had supplied me with that year and shred the dumb bitch in two. Then I'd turn to the camera:

You see how fast I shredded her? Though the new M16 offers the same great power theres virtually no recoil. Did you see how little my arm moved Tracey?
I know. Fascinating, huh? And remember audience. When dealing with a housewife or whatever its always good to put two in the skull just to make sure. Wouldn't want this bitch to wake up in a hospital and be given a chance to have more fucktard children. Well, see you guys next week on Future Weapons Housewife Encounters when we go to the country club pool with the newest in biological weapons from Korea.

You'd watch that, right?

The Rowling Rollaids

Guinness Book of World Records Update 1 (07/22/07):

Book sale record for single weekend- shattered by J.K. Rowling for her work called Harry Potter and the Deathly Shallows.

Guinness Book of World Records Update 2 (07/22/07):

Longest shit ever taken by human being- In June of 1997 J.K. Rowling started up a hot steamy one with the release of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. In July 2007 the ten year defecation finally ended with the release of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows.  The previous record  belonged to  Jasper Collons of Alaska USA. Rowling demolished his record of two hours and nine minutes by 9 years, 364 days, and 22 hours. When asked what she'll do with the ten thousand dollar prize money for the new record Rowling replied, "...well thats why I asked for cash specifically. So that I could wipe my ass with it, you see? Or at least the patches my publicists haven't licked up already."

Rowling actually goes into more detail about the shit itself in her new book. If you carefully peel away the back panel of the latest novel you should reveal the hidden "Post Epilogue." If you do not want to ruin your copy the last paragraph has been recited here for your convenience. Rowling writes:

"...So you see, dear fans, like any long shit getting it all started was the hard part. Sorcerer's Stone was the one I really had to strain my abdomen and flex my ass muscles for. That was the real doozey but then after that came the smooth liquid shit that just shoots out as the stinky gas escapes. Those were probably books 2-4. But then theres that slow down. Where you just sit there and wait for that second wave. This in the series is where I started to run out of ideas and both literally and figuratively I had to start pulling stuff out of parts of my ass I didn't know existed. And then book 7 was all cleanup. I just peeled it off the hairs of my ass. Dingle berries mostly is what book 7 is. But man did I have to scrape to fill up those 700 and whatever pages to show that "I still cared." I scraped so much and so hard I left a vile, hemorrhaging bum scar. (See, I told you it'd be the last word. Tah Tah Fucktards.)

J.K. has one last alliteration for her fans: The Rowling Rollaids - its when no amount of TUMS or Rollaids or Peptobismol is gonna stop you from being on that toilet all night.   

Friday, January 26, 2007

2006 In Review Part 3: Movies

This year and last have actually been pretty good in terms of movies. Three, four years ago besides LOTR there wasn't a movie worth seeing in theaters. The Oscars look like they won't dissapoint this year unlike last year when I thought Crash was only nominated as some kind of joke. Dear god that was atrocious. This year the film that seems out of place is Babel. I'm really getting tired of this intertwined ensemble movie bullshit. I cant tell one good story so I'll tell ten bad ones. Oh heres you're Oscar. The thing that boggles my mind is that the ensembles that  five years ago were good and fresh like Magnolia, Boogie Nights, and Amores Perros  won nothing and now that the formula has become just that, a formula, the Oscars are encouraging  writers to churn out more BS.  But like I said there were some pretty good movies this year. There were a lot of really good if not great comedies, but given the past couple of years in cinema that was very refreshing. Here's my top twelve, though, there were a bunch of movies I never got to see like the Queen or Clint's double features. Anyway:

12. Monster House and Over the Hedge - the best two animated movies of the year because unlike Pixar these movies understand that funny is better than cute even though critics will always side with cars and nemo which i thought were semi entertaining but not at all funny.

11. Borat - Not worthy of all its praise and demonstrated that even critics love band waggons. However, a lot of this movie is pretty damn funny.

10. Brick - what turned out to be a very mediocre plot was completely off set by a great script where the writer literally invented a new pop lingo reminiscent  of the new talk found in Clockwork Orange and great young performances most notably Joseph Gordon-Levitt who's proven to me to be the best under 30 actor working today.

9. Children of Men - good concept but not so great story. Even though this movie mocks all religious undertones the whole plot is just a series of events strung together and the fact that they make it can only be considered a miracle of god. Its so well made and acted, though, that even though the drama didn't really reach me because of how ridiculous the circumstances of each event were it was still a joy to watch.

8. The Good Shepard - what makes this movie hard to watch is what makes it good ultimately if that makes anysense.Despite its cast and director and epic scope this movie plays out nothing like a Hollywood movie. The story structure is completely unnatural throwing you right into this tough world and never climaxing just unraveling in complex layers. Its hard to digest, but this also makes it intriguing and once it sinks in it really does illustrate its power.

8. A Scanner Darkly -  even though it would seem this movie would be mostly a visual achievement  it is actually very dialog  oriented offering  a view inside the drug  addicted mind that is far more powerful than the one liners  and visual effects of other similar films.

6. The Departed - this would be much higher on my list if i had not seen the original hong kong version this movie is based on and improves upon in every way. My exact problem with the first one was its lack of charisma and humor making it too dark for the action movie it was. The new one of course completely demolishes this squabble and was actually one of the funnier and most entertaining movies i saw all year. But for me it was like watching the Sixth Sense after seeing the last scene first. A great movie, if only it could have been a greater movie experience. But i mean seriously. Hollywood never remakes movies better than the original, and the one time it does look what happens.

5. Little Miss Sunshine - I expected it to be a highbrow indie comedy, but it instantly demonstrated it was gonna play out more like a sitcom, but a funny one indeed. And a nice little message too.  Its weakest in the final act, but that seems to be the case with every modern comedy ie Office Space.

4. The Proposition - I have to admit I'm kind of biased towards this movie. I love westerns and there hasn't been a good one since before I was born. This movie wasnt phenomenal, but it felt good seeing outlaws with six shooters especially in such a well made and poetic film.

3. Thank You For Smoking - Little Miss Sunshine was the feel good comedy of the year. Clerks II and Jackass 2 had hilarious moments but drove themselves into the ground with terrible, crude jokes. Thank You For Smoking was the only movie with some nice dark humor that had me on the floor that had composure. It made me laugh, smile, and be angry without making me want to hurl.

2. Little Children - Imagine an American Beauty that doesn't try to appeal to the teenager demographic at all and you get an idea of this movie. It derails a little at the very end, but in its good moments, the more subtle ones, this movie is astonishing.

1. Pan's Labyrinth - After LOTR concluded fantasy movies have been embarrassingly bad even Jackson's follow up, the laughably bad King Kong. Chronicles of Narnia was too bad todescribe and I haven't seen any of the Harry Potters but theres a reason for that. Horror has sucked overall as a genre since the beginning of film. Then Pan's Labyrinth came along and made my day. I can't really describe how great this movie is. Especially in times when kids are only the lead roles in films were guys put their junk in pies this film was truly a breath of fresh air in every respect.

Best Acting Male: Matt Damon in Good Shepard
Best Acting Female: Kate Winslet in Little Children
Supporting Actor: All the guys in the Departed, and Steve Carell in Little Miss
Supporting Actress: Sara Morton in The Proposition
Directing: Guillermo
Screenplay Original :Guillermo del Toro for Pan's Labyrinth
Screenplay Adapted: Todd Field and Tom Perrotta for Little Children

And now to celebrate the crap. Like I said the comedy front was looking good. Some good dramas. The field that really disappointed was the high budget, Hollywood blockbusters. Some of them were disappointing. Others just sheer garbage:

5. Casino Royale - Very disappointing. The new bond is great. I like how Le Chiffre was just a douche bag in a bad situation not some maniac trying to take over the world, but man was the plot terrible. And the worst case of 'i don't know when to end my movie' since Return of the King. What the hell is bond doing in the biggest hand of the night with 2 5? But they're suited...

4. Mission Impossible 3 -  The wire fu and  100 masks of jonny woo's terrible second installment are gone, but the guns are still here. Now there's missiles and helicopters too. In the first one it took an amazing and elaborate plan to get into the CIA building. In MI-3 Ethan gets out of a similar high security compound by well walking out the front door. You'd think thats the first thing they'd block. The climax? A bomb will go of in his head in five minutes(so that he has a chance to get away as opposed to just blowing up) so he kills himself and his wife ressurects him after shooting all the bad guys in the movie with a pistol. Is she going to be the hero of the fourth one?

3. The Prestige - Christopher Nolan! Christian Bale! Hugh Jackman! Scarlett Johanson! Michael Caine! Oh man. This movie is going to be sweet. Not at all. It could have just not been good but instead chose to be flat out terrible. Repetitive, ugly, stupid, and I've never cared less about characters in my entire life. 

2. Superman Returns - The writers got the plot of this movie by searching through the waste barrel at cartoon network and piecing together the worst Invader Zim and Powepuff Girl reject plots. Worst super hero movie I've ever seen. At least Fantastic Four doesn't take itself seriously and Daredevil was funny it was so bad. This movie is just sad.

1. Lady in the Water - Basically if M. Night Shamylan is releasing a movie in a year then everyone else has a free 'get out of being the worst movie of the year' pass.  If M. Night never makes a movie again(which seems likely) then I don't know if a worse movie than this can ever be made. He's put the bar at almost unreachable heights. You'd have to put Sophia Coppola, Gus Van Sant's pretentious personality, two retarded kids, some x-powerrangers, flava flave, and whoever wrote Superman Returns into one room and give them the task of making the worst movie ever filmed in order to top Lady in the Water. Even then a blind person with down syndrome would have to direct it.

Monday, January 22, 2007

2006 In Review Part 2: Footbal

Lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame....GOD DAMN IT! Reasons I'm pissed:

1.) Uhhh...we're not going to the superbowl even though we should. Win or lose there(probably win i mean we are talking about facing the NFC here) southwest would have lit itself on fire and killed two cops and we wouldnt have school for a month. Hey, maybe. You never know.

2.) If we can make it this far with no other star players on offense besides Brady and a defense whose average age is higher than a baseball team than just imagine what might happen if cheap ass Bob Kraft was willing to resign one of the many players we turned from average into good and acquire some other real talent. Sell some god damn shares of Carmel Container Systems, and buy us some damn receivers that can catch. Israel can win the war after we win another superbowl. I remember when Bob bought the team for 175 million to save us from being relocated to St. Louis. Big risk. Big reward. Lets get back to that.

3.) Peyton won a playoff game and now everyone will shove their dick up his ass even further. He still cant throw under pressure, and his commercials are ubber gay. And god damnit Bill. This is what you do in yesterdays situation. You take Larry Izzo and you have him blitz Peyton every other freaking play. He's like a 250 pound ninja; can we please take advantage of that?  And Corey Dillon is big and slow.  Patrick Pass is like a  big black cock pounding through a virgin defense. Lube him up and put him in there.

4.) We dont get to wave to Adam Vinatieri from the plane to florida.

5.) The pats didnt get to do their vintage victory dances, but wait...they don't have any. Fuck LT. Fuck Sean Merriman.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

2006 In Review Part 1: Music

Sure. There were a few good albums that come out this year. It was a Tool year after all. In addition a few mentionables include: Ashes Against the Grain by Agalloch, Monday Morning Apocalypse by Evergrey, Tom Wait's three disc plethora Orphans, Mastodon's newest metal extravaganza Blood Mountain, and a bunch of good if not remarkable rap albums from legends such as Roots, Nas, Mos Def, and Ghostface Killah.  Hell, i'll even throw Oral Fixation Volume 2 into the list cuz at least one pop singer working today is satisfied with making catchy dance tunes and not about being the double standard of mega slut and good girl that Christina and Jessica and Britney have been trying to bullshit for years.

However, overall, and especially in terms of popular music America has reached an all time low. I long for the days when shitty but at least not demeaning songs littered the airwaves by the likes of Sugar Ray, Smashmouth, Billy Ray Cyrus, Vitamin D, No doubt, and boy bands.  Today it seems the  dumber the song the more popular.  Two events occurred in 2006. First, hip hop and R and B took over the scene after country had a quick run late last year and earlier this year. Second, hip hop and RnB decided to become terrible.

When Nas's new album is called 'Hip Hop is Dead', you know there's a problem. When Young Jeezy(one of the top rappers of 2006, i know its sad) rebuttals saying "yah naw nas  nev been bangin  ins the hood. mans got homies up in the feds n shit," thats when you know its worse than imaginable.  Young Jeezy's songs go something like this, "
This aint a rap song, nigga this is my life (this is my life). And if the hood was a battlefield then I'd earn stripes (Yeah)." So maybe you're right Jeezy. Hip Hop isn't dead. But if you call yourself Hip Hop then its definitely brain dead.

As for RnB i can't even wrap my head around whats been going on lately. Ten years ago Boys II Men sang lines like this..."
In comes the winter breeze that chills the air and drifts the snow/And I imagine kissing you under the mistletoe." Yeah thats cheezy. Yeah thats lame, but at least its not insulting. 2006's most popular RnB tune went a little like this..."Wanna jump up in my Lamborghini Gallardo.  Maybe go to my place and just kick it, like Taebo. And possibly bend you over. Look back and watch me..." You know what comes after that. He 'smacks that' all over the place. If this song comes on at a party then all females present will momentarily stop drinking and talking and groove to the song that celebrates sexual violence against their gender. Wonderful. And at the same time I momentarily drift off into a day dream where all the girls in america are lined up single file and i walk past all 30 or so million of them and 'smack that' with a wooden paddle and grab each one by the skin on their face, shake their head violently, look them in the eyes, and say "NO! Okay? No."

But alas. Fuck that. I got a better idea. Maybe Akon isn't a moron...though "kick it like Taebo" does seem to lend itself to such conclusions. Maybe he or someone he works for at least is a genius. The greatest business in america after all is taking advantage of 10-25 year old females. "But Uggs are comfortable." Whatever helps you sleep at night ladies. So instead i'm sending out my demo tape. I've supplied an exclusive sneak peek at some of the lyrics off my new RnB album which will be called 'If You Buy This You Will Be Cool.' Akon's 'I Wanna Fuck You' obviously shows that chicks don't dig subtlety so thats the album name and the first single will be called 'Up Yours', check it:

Grab a blanket, baby we can chill under the stars
When you touch me, you heal my internal scars
Take my hand
Its like you understand
Everything I'm tryin to say
I wanna be with you every night and day

Then our lips touch
I want this so much
The two become one
And before I know it its done

Then I light a Malbero
Pants on, ready to go
But then I hear you whine
Didn't you have a good time?
Uh uh, "cuz you got yours, and i didn't get mine."

Check it baby, maybe i got mine but you got yours
Just think back to three hours before
When you ate for free
Saw that movie for free
All your whining is making me sick
So just hurry up, and suck my dick
Its almost seven thirty, gotto go pick up this other chick.(uh-ha uh-ha)

Eminem or Snoop or now sold out rapper:
Shit yeah i got mine, but hell you got yours.
I don't remember you doin any chores.
At the restaurant you ordered the fish.
I can't remember you cleaning that dish.
Last time i checked, i picked up the check.
Last time i checked, we had tosee a chick flick.
I think I'm right, you drank my sprite
I think I'm right, you asked me for a light.
Shit, that hummer goes two blocks a gallon honey
But you didnt give me any gas money.
My pockets were heavy, now they light
So if i want head on the ride home you better not bite
You got that, all right?  Now get out my car, bitch, good night.

Check it baby, maybe i got mine but you got yours
Just think back to three hours before
When you ate for free
Saw that movie for free
All your whining is making me sick
So just hurry up, and suck my dick
Its almost seven thirty, gotto go pick up this other chick.(uh-ha uh-ha)

Outro(special guest akon) x2:
Smack that, upon the floor
Smack that, even more
Smack that, till it gets sore
Was that too hard? Up Yours!

Other tracks will include: skinny chicks with big tits, lube? thats why god inventedspit, are u sure you're eighteen?, rape? please im a celebrity, untitled product placement song,  untitled start a feud with a random other artist for publicity song, i wanna skull fuck you feat. akon, and nature's facial cream. High School girls everywhere...start saving now.