Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Network Pitch

Reality TV was getting so bad that it was actually starting to die out. "New revolutionary season of Survivor" my ass. Wow. Its in China. Same shit. Whatever. Only MTV seems to push the shit anymore with tripe like the Hills and about five other shows about being rich and spoiled.

Then came the reality TV revolution....Kid Nation. No lie, this is the best premise I've ever seen for a reality TV show. Kids in a desert left to fend for themselves. We get to witness selfishness, racism, and egotism and its earliest forms. If we're lucky one of them is a radical religious freak that gets burned alive. They might as well call the show Lord of the Flies and get it over with. The fact that every soccer mom in America is complaining and that every lawyer in the area is looking into the child labor laws in New Mexico where the show is filmed only makes we love it more. Apart from filming a recreation of the Children's Crusade with cameras this is the best thing ever.

Hopefully the producers didn't botch it. No stupid challenges that upon completion earn McDonald's; just hunting and farming with hands and feet. No editing out of all the racial slurs I know were tossed around endlessly and of course if two of those 12 year olds decide to get hot and heavy then no one intervenes. This isn't America. Its Kid Nation, baby.  Let them kill and fuck. That's awesome TV and more than ever we need it.

While we're at it here's my reality TV show pitch. Battle Royale. Kidding. Though that would be awesome. Can't they just do it with body armor and rubber bullets. Even then it would be the greatest thing to ever hit TV. But seriously:

Mr. Douche

The premise is that we tell a couple of students we're making a reality show about them going to school and shit. In reality all we're focused on is that they're all signed up for one class which is being taught by an actor acting as the biggest asshole on earth. The parents are in on it so whenever Heather goes home to complain all she gets is a speech about how she's always looking for excuses about her lack of commitment to school or what not. Some of the class would also be in on it leading to endless set up possibilities:

Mr. Douche: Where's your paper?
Student: I thought I had it. I must have left it home. I'm sorry. Can I bring it in tomorrow with a penalty?
Mr: Douche: Not unless you print it on soft, plush paper cuz I'm gonna wipe my ass with it.
She runs out the room crying.
Mr. Douche: Yeah. Go tell the principal...I fucked her brains out last night. She don't care.
He smiles at one of the girls in the front row thats horrified by all this and grabs his crotch.
Mr. Douche: How old are you, babe?

TV heaven baby. But unlike similar shit fests like My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance we keep this to a few episodes not a season long thing and then move on to the next prank. Something about AIDS. I'm thinking...


Ain't Worth 50 Cent

Some lines from 50 Cent's new song off the new album:

Amusement Park(yes, thats the actual title)

Now you can ride the horse around the carousel
Expolsion, trojans, all in the hotel
Put me to the test girl, I dont fail
I work it out, without a doubt
Theres plenty water rides I'm sure to get you wet in the park
Have you lusters seductions considered or not
Throw a hoop around the bottle
I'll be your teddy bear
Whatever color you like, you know I dont care
I really wanna thank you for attending this affair
Now go encourage your friends to come have fun here


I did not make any of that up. Those are seriously the lyrics to his song. Yes, they are that bad. When I read the comments at the bottom of the page I almost punched myself in the dick...

"50 u know you got a body baby DAM you buff as HELL! I love this song
u get a 5 out of me yo song Hot!

Dis dat gurl dey call Sexy_G00fy and Im owt"

God I hate thirteen year old black girls. It was reported that 50 made statements claiming that if Kanye sold more copies of his new album also being released today on the anniversary of 9/11(RIP victims...I hope you like crap) then he would quit the business.  Inspired by Varuca Salt I went out and bought 100,000 copies of Kanye's album.  Of course it sucks too, but 50 inadvertently gave him the best advertising platform in the history of the world. If i still don't get a golden ticket aka headline reading '50 true to his word' then I'm gonne shove this sharpie in my hand up my urethra. And that's my fucking word.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

1-800-FUK-THIS

Customer support lines are the bane off all fucking existence. Its like you have two reasons to dread shit breaking. 1.  Your shits broken. Can't use it.  2.  You have to call customer support and six hours later you understand why there will always be hate crimes, terrorism, and genocide. Here are two personal episodes:

DELL

Best customer support my ass. Here's the pretext to this conversation. I've already blown a whole day previously trying to get hardware support expired warranty. They tell me they're going to send me a prepaid box so i can send my laptop in. Problem is they forget to put a return sticker on the inside. Now all i need is one stupid fucking sticker but all i got is one lame ass 800 number to get to it.

(20 minutes of i shit you not Alanis Morissett and stuff. I literally have the receiver five feet from my face cringing )
Guy 1: Hi, you've reached Dell. This is dumbest person alive speaking. Can I get your telephone number, name, and address please?
Me: Yeah. Hi. Actually I just need you to connect me to hardware support expired warranty.
Guy 1: Okay, but if I could just have your information first. Full name?
Me: Hardware support. Last name, expired warranty.
Guy 1: Excuse me? I didn't catch that.
(I give him my information. You all know my name isn't fucking Bob Smith so this takes like ten fucking years.)
Guy 1: Okay and what seems to be the problem?
Me: I just need you to connect me to hardware support expired warranty.
Guy 1: Okay, but what model Dell is it, sir?
Me: Inspiron.
Guy 1: Okay. What I'm gonna do is connect you to the Inspiron branch. If you could hold for a moment.
Me: No. I need-
(hold for ten minutes. Classical music, though. Slightly happier.)
Guy 2: Dell Inspiron. Dumber than the last guy you talked to speaking. Can I please get your name, phone, and address?
Me: Actually I just need you to connect me to hardware support expired warranty.
Guy 2: Okay, but if i could just have your personal information for our records.
(another century passes. "yes, 'Z' as in 'Zebra'."- "So that's A-S-C" - "Z you asshole. What the fuck is a Cebra?")
Guy 2: Okay, well you seem to be having a hardware failure so I'm going to patch you along to hardware support.
Me: Expired warranty?
(more holding. I'd surf the web but my computers broken so I'm watching family feud. Mildly amusing.)
Guy 3: Hardware support how can I help you?
Me: Okay is this expired warranty? Cuz mine is. I already talked to them. I need expired warranty.
Guy 3: What's the problem? Maybe I can help. (I explain that all i need is a sticker. or hell. he could just tell me the address) Okay. Can i get your serial number. (I tell him)...Okay, sir. That system actually comes up as under an expired warranty.
Me: No shit. I told you that.
Guy 3: Yeah, so I'm gonna have to connect you to them-

At this point I'm on hold for five minutes when I realize I have to go. I need to be somewhere at five and for some stupid reason I thought calling at 3:15 to get a sticker would be ample time considering I knew exactly what department I needed.  Well I guess I'm really the dumb fucking idiot here. Who in their right mind would think that's enough time?

Either way, they wanted like 700 to fix it. Thing was 1000 four years before. So they send it back and I got duck tape holding it together and if I watch a you tube movie I have to pause it halfway in, flip my laptop upside down, and blow a fan on it manually. Thanks Dell. You guys rock.

COMCAST

I call comcast and get cable and internet package for 120 a month. Thinking this is pure anal rapage(it is) I call back for an explanation or a better deal.

Comcast: Comcast. What can I do for you?
Me: Yeah, I'm paying 120 for internet and cable. I can get an RCN premium package for 120 (true but RCN doesn't serve our address so I'm praying this fucktard doesn't know that). Isn't there some contract we can sign for a year to bring that down?
Comcast: No. (a lie)
Me: No?
Comcast: The best I can do is offer you the same package for 80 for the first 9 months. Is that something you would consider?
Me: Why wouldn't I?
Comcast: Well, like I said, sir. Its only for the first 9 months. Do you still want to switch over?
Me: Let me see if I follow. Are you asking me if I'd rather pay 120 for every month of the year or 80 for the first nine and then 120 from then on?
Comcast: That's correct, sir.
Me: Is that a fucking rhetorical question?
Comcast: Sir. I'm gonna have to ask you to keep this at a professional level.
Me: Well I mean its one thing to get fucked up the ass no lubrication and then its just salt on the wound when your raper asks "If you liked it?"

Guy puts me on hold and I have to finish the deal off with the manager or some shit. What a fucking joke. Hopefully in nine months FIOS will be up in our neighborhood and we can pull our plugs out of Comcast's overpriced dusty vagina. Maybe by then I'll have a non Dell computer that you can't cook your steak on.