Friday, January 18, 2008

Random Blurbs(Censored Version)

This entry used to be funnier but the FCC forced me to remove certain material from the post. But just because I'm not saying it doesn't mean I'm not still doing it ; =).

I think people are making too much of a big deal out of this Katrina victim that’s suing the United States for 3 quadrillion dollars (that’s 90 billion in interest a day). Everyone including the media fails to point out the second clause to his plea and I quote: “My client in retribution for his suffering at the hands of the United States government is asking for 3 quadrillion dollars or if it so pleases all parties involved a number four combo meal from Kentucky Fried Chicken…Original.”

I think the Dark Knight should be reshot with Wes Welker as the caped crusader because like Batman Mr. Welker doesn’t fuck around.

I think attorney Barry Feinstein accepts both checks and live babies as payment from clients.

It takes me a month to type one word on my phone in a text message. So if you asked me something as vague as “What are we doing tonight?” or the infamous “?” last year you can expect a response later this year or early 2009.

There’s a new website called bigthink.com that advertises itself as the youtube of ideas. So it’s pretty much youtube without bros and yah dudes. I posted a video in the quantum physics section discussing the possibility that the never before seen graviton particle may be lodged in my left testicle. Those elitist assholes pulled it the second it went up. I didn’t even get to see Stephen Hawking’s response to it,and I assure you that my argument was not unfounded. By measuring the volume of my nut in a measuring cup and its weight on a kitchen scale I found that its volume alters minutely but the weight is constant (well... +/- a pound). The only explanation is a massless particle. And I know my ball has spin 2 because it can do two full rotations before snapping back in place. My testes also have attractive forces (Women can’t get away from them. They prefer the left one. Coincidence? I think not). So lick my elementary particles bigthink.com.

The Golden Globes were not televised this year so if you missed out on the winners allow me to fill you in now. Best Motion Picture Drama went to Delta Farce. Critics debated whether this film belonged in the comedy or drama section as it has been labeled the best satire put to film since Dr. Strangelove, but ultimately it was decided that the films overwhelming power warranted not only a spot in drama, but a Golden Globe to go with it. This allowed Norbit to take the award in best comedy. Eddie Murphy finally got his dues. Charlize Theron throws on some makeup and a few pounds and gets an Oscar. Finally Eddie gets the respect he deserves after making his like 12th fat suit/skinny guy movie. Norbit’s 100 million dollar reign at the box office proves America is impressed by his hard work. Other award winners included the dog from I Am Legend, Lindsay Lohan, and Ghost Rider. 300 took home an all new award: Best 100+ minute trailer.  

Have you seen Juno? You know the part where she says “lets get some tunage going”? Your welcome Diablo Cody. I invented that. I’m sure someone from Mass heard it and then told a friend who went to Vegas to the strip club where you worked Diablo and said “how about some boobage?” I’d like to take this moment to convince everyone to also add “bonkerscock” and “doinkshwank” to their vocabularies.

I think Rachael Ray and Peyton Manning should team up and appear in commercials together. If they continue at their individual rates there will be nothing left in the world to endorse by next year.

I’m leaving the country if any of the following happen: Mike Huckabee is elected president, Rudy Giuliani is elected president, Scientology takes off as a major religion, or if we get to SAW IX.

I came up with the best drinking game ever that is unbelievable fun and everyone gets plastered. However, it also involves motor boating so don’t ask me to show you how to play if you’re not an attractive female.

I think if I made it on Jeopardy I’d have a better story than “I once peeled hundreds of peas for a party.” For instance how about the time my mom called me to bike down to the store when I was ten to help her with the groceries she was walking back with. I bike the 3 quarter miles and she hands me a watermelon. Yeah. Like the biggest fucking one I’ve ever seen. Took that about a block and then chucked it down a sewage drain. The next day on Jeopardy I’d tell Alec my Condom Island story (its on here somewhere if you’re one of the only people I haven’t told it to). After that I’d get banned from the show. Fuck you Trebek. Condom Island’s gonna be a final Jeopardy question in like 100 years.

U.S. News declared Baghdad as the worst city to live in right now. I don’t know. There’s no scene or emo kids and definitely no hippies in Iraq.  

I hate hippies.

I love meat. Especially in the form of acronyms like QPC and JBC.

Askmen.com released its 100 hottest women of 2007 recently. There are some choices I disagree with. That Trump bitch is okay not hot. Where’s Nicole and Naomi? Rossario Dawson and Fergie are overrated. I wouldn’thave sex with Gwen Stefani, Eva Mendez, Kelly Clarkson or Penelope Cruz if they were the last women on earthand there were no sheep. Are there sheep?

I think. Nay. I know I could beat Brian Scalabrine 1-on-1 in basketball. This statement also holds true for Luc Longley.

I wish I still had Legos. Like big time. Also K’nex and Erector Set are for penis wrinkles.

Zeus, king of the gods, took on numerous forms including a bull and a swan in order to come down to earth and impregnate women. He’s still doing this today under the disguise of Tom Brady. That kid is gonna be a fucking football demi-god.

A recent stat shows that guys scrub their pubic regions for 60% of the time they are in the shower. My junk takes up 60% of my surface area. What’s your point?

I hate people that exaggerate, and I never exaggerate. Ever.

Any American teenager  that wears a Che Guevara shirt sucks bonkerscock and is a huge doinkswank.

I like Jewel's song Foolish Games and 4 Seasons of Loneliness by Boys II Men. There I said it.

People from foreign countries often complain/point out the lack of colorful swear words in the English language. Every word/phrase in our language has like 100 synonyms you’ve never heard of except mother fucker they say. Not true: Oedipus Rex.

I can’t decide whether my life or Forrest Gump’s is more interesting until I know whether he’s played NBA JAM Tournament Edition for the Super Nintendo. If not then my life is definitely more complete.

Why doesn’t someone release a Gigapet program for cell phones? And why did I say that out loud? No one take my idea...“It’s a jump to conclusions mat.”  

Fuck iphones. I want one of those flip out black phones with solar powered calculator screens from The Matrix. Speaking of which I called the operator once and told them I needed an exit fast because there were agents all over me. They disconnected me, but I don’t know if that was out of spite or if that’s what they interpreted an “exit” as.  

No one see Cloverfield. Don’t give in to their bullshit marketing campaign. Also if anyone starts a sentence in my presence as such, “So I went to see Meet The Spartans the other day,” expect a swift kick to the pelvis followed by some shoulder blade fucking and skull fucking.

That queer guys new show should be renamed from “How to Look Good Naked” to “How to Look Good Naked: Eat Less and Do Some Fucking Exercise.”   

God I hope the writers strike doesn’t lead to a reality TV revival. If it does. I’m leaving the country.

My new year’s resolution was to stop making Dimmy’s mom jokes…Kidding. Yeah right. That’d be like giving up breathing...In seriousness I decided to start taking real responsibility for my actions. So Jamie Lynn. If you’re reading this. I’m coming back home to Louisiana baby. I’m gonna be a real daddy.

I know all the words to the Gummi Bears theme song. All of them.

That is all.