Thursday, July 10, 2008

You know your dad grew up in a soviet occupied country(Continued)...

If on three day weekends instead of relaxing along with the rest of the nation your dad goes to Home Depot and single handedly brings their stock prices up for that quarter.

If even when you help your dad out with something he still calls you a lazy American. For instance, if you help him carry a three hundred pound grill across the yard and up the stairs the first thing you hear after putting it down and gasping your bruised hands is “Why you make me carry 90% of it? You only carry 10%.” As if those numbers had any significance or if that was even physically possible.

If your dad never answers a question with “I don’t know.” For instance, if I ask just about anyone what the population of Madagascar is their response is of course “I don’t know” or maybe “A couple of million? I guess.” My dad would say “One million three hundred and forty six thousand eight hundred and twelve. No wait…Two people just died.” For a second you believe he personally counts everyone there twice a day, but then you look it up on the internet and he’s of by a factor of ten. “Oh. Madagascar. I thought you meant Ethiopia.” So you look that population up. Off by factor of twenty and so on…

If your friends have ever come over and reminded you that you had air conditioning. “Man. You’re right. It’s just been so long.” You turn it on, and then your dad walks by and sets it to 108 because the dial doesn’t go higher.

If on Halloween five year olds run from your house screaming because your dad jumps out of a bush and scares them, but he’s not wearing any form of a costume or holding candy so they naturally assume he’s a serial rapist. Then he comes into the house beaming about his accomplishment as if the point of the holiday was to scar small children for life. “I love howla-veen!”

If your costume for Halloween was ever a sheet with two holes cut out for your eyes. And the sheet was brown with blue patches. “Who say ghost white? How they know nothing?” Then at the end of the night you sleep with that sheet until next October.

If when arguing your curfew in high school your dad’s argument was ever…”Sun come up. Time to wake up. Sun go down. Time to go to bed.” You ask him if in between you should tend to the crops. Instead of picking up on the sarcasm your dad thinks that you finally understand the meaning of life.

If your dad’s ever chugged a jar of pickle juice after all the pickles were gone. “No let just waste.”

If your dad has no concept of age or time. He’s telling you about having to run fifteen miles every day to boxing class. He says he had to sprint because practice started 15 minutes after school. And you made it in time? “Every day.” You ignore this flagrant lie and ask him how old he was. “Let me think. I quite soccer when I was two. So probably two and half. Three.” You roll your eyes. “YOU CALLING ME A LIAR?!?!!?”

If you ask whether you can order pizza and he says “Your mom is making squash with squash filling and squash sauce.” His favorite of course.

If you just got out of a three hour morning practice with dry land afterward. All you want to do is go to McDonald’s with all the rest of the kids. Your dad assures you he can make a way better breakfast with omelets and bacon within five minutes of stepping through the door. You get home. There’s one egg and no bacon in the fridge. So you have some squash.

If your dad cooks soup in a twelve gallon cauldron and you have to eat leftovers for a quarter of a decade.

If while cooking in the kitchen your dad listens to medieval folk music in the native tongue about the kings and queens of yester yore. Periodically he wipes the tears from his eyes. All you want to do is laugh, but you remember that last time you did he beat you with a stick.

If your dad had a name for the stick that he beat you with as to better verbally threaten you with.

If you’ve never been sent to your room by your dad. Only chased into your room.

If you open your presents on Christmas Eve instead of Christmas Day you may just be from one of many European nations.  However, if you get an old science kit from a garage sale with all the cool shit missing as a present and your dad gets a rusty shovel that he is absolutely ecstatic about it…now you’re definitely from an old soviet occupied land.    

If you ever brought odd shaped sticks and large pine cones home from vacation because they were your only toys.

If you’ve ever gotten first in a swim race and your dad points out how slow your flip turn was.   

If you’ve ever complained about a pain or ailment only to be told by your father that your suffering is a result of you being a bad boy the other day. The next day you’re in the hospital.

If your dad’s not a truck driver but has reached the million miles traveled mark by dragging you and your brother to every national park in America. Also this million miles is broken up between only two cars. Neither with a radio or air conditioning. 

If you’ve slept in a tent in 40 out of the 50 states and slept in a hotel in just 2 of them.

If your dad has ever asked if he can borrow a Speedo. And this happened whenyou were nine.

If your dad has never once said the following, “I’m tired. I just want to sit here for a second.”

If your dad owns a pair of shorts that if worn by a fifteen year old girl to high school would result in a dress code violation.

If your dad types with his two middle fingers and tilts his head up a full 120 degrees to peer through the bottoms of his bifocals at the monitor. The aforementioned results in an approximate typing speed of six words ever half hour or 0.2 words a minute.

If your dad’s explanation of all teenage and young adult behavior is an attempt at coolness. For instance, if I tell him a friend crashed their car into a tree and broke two ribs he’ll of course say “He was just trying to be cool.” Oh. Okay. Now I get it.

If the only song your dad can name that came out after 1968 is “We Are The Champions” and he doesn’t know Queen does it or who Queen is.

If your dad’s never listened to any radio station other than NPR or watched a channel other than CNN unless there was a Clint Eastwood movie on TBS or TNT.   

If your dad’s ever used the phrase, “No. No is good no.”

If you’ve ever had to last the entire day at the arcade on your birthday with one dollar and seventy five cents that you had to share with your brother. When you beg your dad for just a little more he hands you each one more quarter with a facial expression equivalent to someone that just gave away both their kidneys. When you ask him if you and your friends can get a pizza for lunch he almost breaks a rib laughing.

If you’ve ever asked your dad for help and he says “You’re going on fifteen, Ivor, and you need help with this? Come on.” My name is Siggi, and I’m turning six next April. “Okay....But just this once.”

If you tell people you and your brother’s names and they laugh hysterically.

If your dad ever tried to water down theSprite like you wouldn’t notice. Oh and if he calls the aforementioned beverage “Shpreetay.”

If you’ve ever gotten shoes with carpet on the inside of them. When you ask your dad what dumpster he found these in he points to a swoosh he’s clearly drawn on the side of the fugli ass thing with a permanent marker and says “Kneekay. These are Kneekays.”


Thursday, July 3, 2008

Please Don't Make Me Move To Europe(election 08)

Anyone who reads this blog knows not to expect to absorb any useful information whatsoever. It could not be more of a joke in fact. There are no serious articles. But brace yourself because there's some shit about this effing election I just need to get off my chest.

First off, I want to say that I barely follow election news. I find it impossible to do so because none of this matters. Who cares what someone's stance on gay marriage is? Who cares who their reverend was? Here's a question for the debates: are you going to single handedly ruin America and much of the world if elected? That's what they should have asked Bush. He got elected on social issues and all the usual conservative crap. Thanks again Bible Belt. I hope you all die. But what's happened in the world of social issues? Nothing. That's what. Bush's real motivation has always been a desperate attempt to step out of his father's shadow. An obsession with creating a legacy regardless of it was through heroism or by way of infamy. His weapon to do so: a realist politick neo-con agenda whose first and only step is to find someone to wage war on. Mission accomplished indeed. Who cares what his view on the economy is? If we weren't in a 7 year war with Iraq we could have schools made of gold, personal doctors for everyone, and fucking flying cars that run on root beer and emit only deliciousness. You think this is hyperbole but 60 cents of every tax dollar goes into the military. That's like a googleplex of money. Wecould be driving plastic cars on Mars by now. You give me a googleplex of money and I can't cure cancer then you can beat me with a stick.

Either way. None of what Bush would do was even hinted at during the primaries and election. Spreading democracy and freedom came about much later, but it was always on his mind as an excuse to achieve his imperialist goals. Some realist political scripture says to take while you can. Take over the oil of the Middle East before others have a chance. Of course, all that backfired. But are we getting any apologies? This is what I did notice during the election; that he was a man that wouldn't take the blame for anything he did wrong. That alone was enough to give me an idea of the type of president he would be.

Now its 2008, and the same shit is going on. Blankety blank may lose votes because of his statement yesterday. What did he mean by "those people?" He better apologize to the public if he wants to win. WHO. GIVES. A. SHIT!!??!!? Are these really the details we should be getting hung up on? I like to focus on the big picture. And this election I don't even have to think about who I like more.

Who cares if Obama said this and that? If his wife took a piss standing up 30 years ago? I don't even care about his health care plan. Or his agenda for the economy. He promises all this change he can't deliver. Yeah, that's called politics. But he is very stern on one change. The only one that really matters to me.  He wants to end the war. Period. Once we do that we're already headed in the right direction of fixing everything: the economy, health care, etc. Even if he goes into a coma for the rest of his time in office at least we're not losing a trillion dollars a second. Good enough for me. Second. Over night America's image worldwide changes. If the world got to vote for our next president it would be Obama 6 billion and McCain that quarter of the United States that thinks Jesus is coming and or thinks war is another opportunity to shoot some guns. McCain insists that Obama doesn't have enough experience to defend our nation from the "terrors" of the world. Well, he defends us from ourselves, gandpa. If Obama gets elected the world waits to see what he does next. If McCain gets inaugurated they'll be a line at Terrorism-R-US around the block. Radical Islam attendance rates at flight schools will quadruple and every country in the UN will pull out their emergency "OMG AMERICA DID IT AGAIN WHAT THE FUCK DO WE DO NOW THERES GONNA BE A WWIII" brochure.     

Allow me to elaborate on my view of McCain. It's not like I even have to think to pinpoint this man. He couldn't make his motives more clear. Reasons not to vote for McCain:

  1. He's like a third as old as the country itself. They don't let 73 year old men manage Denny's so why let him lead our country?
  2. Four years ago I bit my lip when people(left and right) collectively praised the man. He's moderate. He's a straight shooter. All that has now gone to shit. He's back to hugging the far right. Pro choice? Never! Gay marriage? Never! Tax cuts for the rich? Always! Health care? Only if you can afford completive prices. But all of this is I can forgive on account of electioneering. Bush proved that the right just needs religious morons to win any election. But then McCain said that his favorite author was Joel Osteen. Now you've crossed the line my friend. You want evangelist support? Tell them that you change your mind. Stem cell research is the devil's doing. Tell them you'll outlaw being gay in general. You want gay sex? Get it in jail! The Jesus freaks would love that, and I would be slightly less offended by that than the praising of Joel Osteen. Out of all the low life cock suckers between sea and shining sea you couldn't have picked anyone else but that cult leading man whore who uses the crucifix to plunge his toilet and hundred dollar bills to wipe his ass? There’s false promises. Then there’s electioneering. Then there’s flat out lying. And then there’s siding with the mother fucking Anti Christ. Saying ‘moderate McCain’ at this point is like saying ‘preventable accident’ or ‘hippie culture.’ They’re god damn oxymorons.
  3. Despite McCain’s abandonment of all his principals and morals. Despite his nose now being brown from licking corporate taint the conservatives are still keeping their space(the sane ones at least). This is because even 5 years ago when McCain was still “moderate” he was still ultra right wing on one issue: war and the global balance. McCain’s foreign ideas make Mussolini look like a pussy and Hitler under ambitious. McCain is convinced that if we don’t invade the entire world they’ll put him back in cell where his only source of hydration will be UN leaders coming by to piss on his face. McCain is one of a kind. A battered old soldier that was captured as soon as his boots hit the jungle. While the rest of the troops at Vietnam like oh I don’t know Kerry and Clark were sitting in ditches thinking what the fuck are we doing here? This war makes less sense every day as our enemies become blurrier and more theoretical. McCain was in a wooden cage with faces all around him that he could put to the enemy.

The vets came back angry at America. McCain came back angry at the world. Thirty years later, it seems nothings changed. He wanted to nuke China after Vietnam. To throw elbows with Russia during the cold war. In 2008 he still wants to invade Russia. Fighting wars against communism because of the possibility that it might spread was one of the worst mistakes this country ever made. McCain wants to start wars to give late spankings to the countries that used to be communist decades ago. He also wants to stay in Iraq until we win, which is a different way of saying forever. If we stayed in Vietnam until we “won” McCain would still be in a wooden cage in Laos.

Bush’s front for the war was to spread democracy. This is a funny concept because we went to war to stop the spread of communism. Now we’re going to war to spread democracy. But like I said, this is a front. His real reasons are just theories but of course someone somewhere is getting rich(the Federal Bank). McCain’s front is also to spread democracy and because we have to finish what we started. Why don’t you finish one of your heart attacks then you douche and just die. His real motives are far scarier than financial. McCain wants troops in Iraq so that they can be easily dispersed to the rest of the Middle East. Then we can take Europe and Asia slowly, and as we all know once you have those three locked its impossible to lose any game of Risk even if you roll all ones for the rest of the game. And yes. McCain’s foreign policy is literally a board game in his head. And yes. If he’s elected and the “dice” land the wrong way a lot of people are going to die.

He criticizes Obama for his willingness to have talks with our “enemies.” If McCain wins everyone will be an enemy. We won’t have anyone to talk to. You decide what’s better.

So I’m begging soccer moms to put their concerns over the education system and parental advisory labels to the side. Jesus freaks. Just stop thinking about how to get intelligent design taught at schools for a second(you can continue feeding lies to your kids at home schooling). The rich: set aside your concerns about whether after taxes you’ll be filthy rich or just disgustingly rich. The gays: you’re already together. Marriage can wait a few more years. Everyone just forget about all this stuff and look around until you find a male between the ages of 18 and 35. Then think to yourself. Do you want that man to have his legs blown off by a hand grenade? No? Then don’t vote for McCain. The rest of the world will thank you for it, and I won't have to move to Europe.