Friday, October 31, 2008

Off Limit Costumes

It's Halloween. The one day girls are allowed to dress like absolute sluts and they can get away with. The beauty, of course, is that next to every costume can be slutitized. Slutty nurse, slutty bunny, slutty Pocahontas, slutty lobster, and even slutty 18th century Victorian age feminist poet.

Because I enjoy hard-ons I let all these costumes fly including the most cliche and lame Halloween costume of all time: girl being Tom Cruise from Risky Business. Its so easy. A button up shirt. Some shades. Some underwear. Lame but slutty so I let it slide.

But this year I expect another costume to be in the top ten and I am not pleased:

Unacceptable. I know its fucking easy. Sunny D. A hoodie, skirt, and pillow. But it's totally cliche, and unlike Risky Business. Not at all slutty. That's like the only rule. You can't break it. Only ugly chicks are allowed to dress up non slutty but they can't pull off Juno cuz how are we supposed to know they're pregnant? So its off limits.

If you're still stumped here are some more suggestions: slutty postal worker, extra slutty cheerleader, slutty slut(warning: this involves lugging around a mattress all night).

You can't be Uma Thurman from Kill Bill. You can be slutty nurse with eye patch though.

You can go as Sara Jessica Parker from Sex and the City but you'd have to make your face look like a foot. Maybe the hot one instead. Whatever her name is.

You can't go as Hermione from Harry Potter 1-5. But you can go as Hermione from Harry Potter 6 and 7, once her and Harry start to get it on(or is it with the red headed kid? fuck if i know).

Old woman. No. Cat Woman. Yes. Cleopatra from the movies. No. Cleopatra from real life(nips flailing). Yes. Geisha. No. Prostitute. Yes. Queen Elizabeth I. Hell no. Any other slutty queen in human history? Definitely. A mom? No. What about Dimmy's mom? Still no...You can't pull it off. Natalie Portman Star wars. Never. Natalie Portman Closer. Always.

Email me if you still need to know if you have reached the minimum stutness quota with a photograph.

Moron Convention(One last political blog before the election)

Back when I was a kid, not too long ago, and I knew nothing of politics. Back before I knew what GOP stood for. My understanding of the American two party system was based/consisted completely on an age old stereotype: if your parents are rich they’re voting republican. If they’re poor then democrat. Simple as that. As I aged I realized some of the exceptions to this rule.

Joe the plumber who votes republican because of his American dream disillusionment. He’s been pumping shit his whole life and he’ll be damned if those shit throwing welfare porch monkeys get any of his money once he invents a new toilet that will bank him millions. The toilet? Standard but with two openings for either multi hole expunging ie vomiting and defecating simultaneously after say a wild night at Betsy’s Women and Chicken Breasts. Or for the emergency that arises when the Diabeteez family returns from endless egg roll night at Pu Pu Kitchen. In between the two openings an upside down urinal ideal for those problematic mornings for males when your pajama pants seem to be a step ahead of you because of a protrusion directly below the waist. A great concept Joe. Unfortunately your diploma says “Summa Cum Flusha” and it’s written in Crayola.

Joining Joe on ballot decisions is Mrs. found again Christian who’d rather see both kids die in the desert than be able to fall in love with other boys and live. Rounding out the group are a few intelligent middle classers who respect the constitution and see how big government can solve problems initially but lead to catastrophe down the road.

On the flip side we have Brangelina who are so damn rich they could care less about the millions the democrats will take from them. Then there’s some big business that knows that republicans love big business but especially love big business that has ties to their party. Historically these corporations have had some ethical missteps to say the least.

But ultimately stereotypes have a basis in something and ultimately the two party system’s most prominent divide was economical. Until Bush that is. Bush is so damn radical he isolated the rest of the GOP. No one wants war. No one wants economic collapse. His only pick up was the religious right that his father could never quite pocket, but junior perfected by praising Jesus.

Now McCain has a problem. A recent poll showed that 4 out of 5 attorneys and 3 of 4 bankers are now registered democrat. Wow. How does the party of tax cuts and no market regulations lose wall street? That takes some serious skill. Only the countries worst president ever could pull that off. But what does this mean for the party in the coming election? If economy still ruled and the rich all voted the same the nomination would have went to Romney. If old school constitutionalism/no regulation still was a decider Ron Paul wouldn’t be forgotten. If religion was the big factor Huckabee would be preaching at the debates. Instead American Republicans chose McCain.

But McCain doesn’t control the religious freaks like his potential predecessor. He alienates moderates with his cries for war. If economy can’t split the nation what can? Bush not only answers the question he is the answer. Morons. Morons are the key. Unfortunately McCain and his advisors know it. The new two party divide is intelligence and geography which unfortunately turn out to be drastically linked.

Rallying the idiotas is a two part game plan. Both are in full effect already. Step one is start a hate campaign. Vote for me just to stick it to that liberal elitist douche nozzle Barack Obama. He looks down on all you small time folk with his east coast ideals and dangerous intellect(I know. It’s almost an oxymoron isn’t it?). Giuliani, propelled by 9-11, still failed miserably to win the nomination. Reason? He’s ridden an elevator before. Fucking prick. So McCain’s strategy becomes clear. Vote for me because my opponent is smarter than I am. Sounds stupid doesn’t it? Unfortunately it’s genius.

Step two is of course to appeal to morons. This step came real easy. Appoint Sara Palin as vice presidential nominee. Boom. Done. Fat moms around the country who have never touched the newspaper or glanced a book cover without the words “Oprah” or “You Can Be Thin” now serve Palin casserole in the home on Tuesdays. Recipe: mix cooked chicken, green beans, cream of mushroom, and macaroni in a casserole dish. Then set oven to you’re a fucking dumbass, I hope you choke on this and die. And their dead beat husbands watch the debates for the first time ever with a box of tissue and lotion in hand spewing a “she’s purtay” every time Palin farts out another “Gosh Darnit” or “Yew Betcha.”

So Palin fits the bill perfectly. Of course she doesn’t believe in evolution. She doesn’t even know where babies come from. But McCain has to mold himself again to fit this image (which isn’t a problem for him historically : I resent bush, I support bush, no wait I’m a maverick in his department, etc.). So what we end up with is a Connecticut rich boy with the deepest strings who married super rich trying to pass as America’s everyman despite his tax cuts planned for the rich and privatized health care. How can this work? Don’t you remember? They’re pleading to morons. Morons. And only morons.

So what’s going to happen in November? It’s hard to say. We can’t really turn to history because Bush’s stupidity and McCain’s exploitation of that have brought us into unprecedented grounds. Bush senior was far more moderate than his son. He vowed no new taxes but faced the music and went back on his word. It cost the republicans the next election but the economic split was intact. Reagan, the face of the GOP, was a polar opposite to the party’s new image. He was a Midwestern raised everyman and he appealed to the east coast intellect and even brought Hollywood and the west coast along affirming an identity with the entire nation. Everyone liked him except the poor and the rich loved him.

You have to go way back. Back to Nixon to see a strategy like this new GOP plan in effect. Nixon was the king of the resentment campaign and smear tactics. He split the nation by harvesting resentment against the elite. Well. Nixon worked out great.

Let’s turn to present evidence to see if this intellectual/geographical grouping will succeed. Fortunately there are a lot of people on the coasts. In the cities. That’s why we call them cities, right? Or you may say. Hey. There are a lot of smart people in America. They don’t want a longer war or offshore drilling. However, those small towns add up and a plethora are going to fall for this “Alaska is one big small town and so should America” shit. And there are a lot of morons. A lot.

We live in a country were the literacy rate is over 90% but the average amount of books read by high school students in high school is 1.2 once Harry Potter is omitted from the equation. Where many cannot find Iraq on a map. Some can’t point to China on a map without country names. A place where given a watch and a bus schedule about half of the adults cannot determine how much longer they have to wait. A place where 9 out of 10 people cannot solve a polynomial equation. Where people cannot multiply two digit numbers. I believe that those that fail this requirement in Japan are flogged with bamboo a system I strongly encourage we adopt. Where next to no one knows who Dennis Hastert is even when he was the speaker. A place where viewers can play along and be stumped by Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader. A place that created Flavor of Love. A place where fat people sue McDonalds because they got fat from eating it every day. And a place where these fat people win. A place were grade grubbing and social maneuvering get you into colleges as opposed to knowledge. And were making money supersedes all lateral thinking because, hey, you gotta buy gas and healthcare. A place where 97% of teenage girls list shopping as their favorite thing to do.

We are the undisputed unhealthiest and most unintelligent first world country in the world. If you’ve reached this point you have more or less read an entire “article” and are probably not of this American majority I speak of. But for every you there are 10 others that see four paragraphs with no picture in sight and speed over to their bookmarks and click where they will spend the next two hours watching various animals defecate and rednecks that they’ve convinced themselves distinct from injure themselves. Or caption glazing the new Cosmo to find out if Zach Efron and that stupid Nutregena bitch are hooking up.

If half these people are sober enough to drive and there isn’t a midnight sale at Wallmart the day of the election then we may be in for a world of trouble because McCain has an amazing new campaign message. “You’d have to be a moron to vote for me.” That might just do the trick.