Tuesday, February 17, 2009

What really happend:

Chris: Hey baby. I know Valentine's day is coming up but I simply can't wait that long. Here. I love you.
Rihanna: Wow...a key chain. Great...
Chris: Well. There's some keys on it, baby.
Rihanna: Keys? Ta what?
Chris: Your new car.
(he smiles bashfully)
Rihanna: New car? What I need a car for? I have a driver. He has a car.
Chris: I know, honey. But maybe you would be in the mood to go for a little drive if you had a new Ferrari convertible under you. Don't you think?
Rihanna: No. Why couldnt you just get me some flowas?
(scratches his head)
Chris: They're on the seat actually.
Rihanna: Or some chocalates. Ya know?
Chris: I thought you had to diet for the tour, babies.
Rihanna: So now you callin me fat?
Chris: No...no. You just won't even eat a strawberry. Figured chocolate covered ones wans't the right direction to go in.
Rihanna: You know what, Chis? My momma was right.
Chris: Excuse me?
Rihanna: She said. Rihanna. Don't get together with that Chris Brown kid. He a dancer. He ain't even finish high school. You need to find yourself a doctor or someone wit a Ph.
Chris: Ph. D?
Rihanna: But I said don't worry, momma. Chris is good to me. He know what I need. Apparently not though. Maybe you should go back to school boy. Lurn sometin.
Chris: I'm sorry, baby. I'll bring the car back. Get you the biggest box of chocolate I can find.
Rihanna: So I get fat for the tour? It's like you ain't even listenin to the words I be sayin, Chris. Plus its the thought that matters.
Chris: Then we're cool? I was thinkin of you when I got the car, baby.
(Rihanna stomps her feet)
Rihanna: The right thought, Chris. Not some stupid ass thought that comes in your head. Jesus.
Chris: I'm sorry, baby. I'll make it up on Valentine's day. Just tell me exactaly what you want and daddy'll take care of it.
(she smiles so he finally smiles)
Rihanna: I want a monkey.
Chris: A monkey?
Rihanna: Yeah, but like what are the big ones called?
Chris: A monkey?
Rihanna: No! The big ones like Donkey Kong.
Chris: Gorillas?
Rihanna: Yeah. I want it to talk too.
Chris: Gorilla's can't talk, baby.
Rihanna: Uh huh. What was that one called? It could talk.
Chris: Koko? Koko knew sign language.
Rihanna: So?
Chris: You don't know sign language.
Rihanna: Now you gonna call me stupid, Chris?
chris: Well I think Koko was released back into the wild.
Rihanna: You can teach a Gorilla to talk. We know that. Someone can do it again. And I want it to be really big.
Chris: Really big?
Rihanna: Like really really big cuz I'm sick of Wendell's limo. I wanna ride around on Bunches.
Chris: What's bunches?
Rihanna: My gorilla. Shit. Ain't you payin attention?
Chris: So to recap. Ferrari, no. Giant gorilla, yes.
Rihanna: Why you laughin at me?
(covers his mouth)
Chris: Nothing.
Rihanna: Boy I will beat your ass.
Chris: You gonna beat my ass?
Rihanna: You deaf?
Chris: Naw. Just amused.
Rihanna: Oh I can beat your ass. My momma she warned me.
Chris: About what?
Rihanna: She said. Rihanna. Don't get together with dat Chris Brown. He a dancer. What you need is a nice football player. Someone that can protect you. Not some pussy. That's what you is, Chris. A pussy. I'm gonna beat your ass, and you can't glide out of it you dancin
Chris: Girl. I love you. But you don't shut your mouth I will slap a bitch.
Rihanna: I'm so scared, Chris. I'm sooooooo scared. Lemme go call up Ne-Yo cuz I'm sick of being with a pussy.
(he's gettin pretty angry)
Chris: I'm leavin. I gotta go calm down.
Rihanna: Leave, bitch. I got JT coming over later anyway. Show me what a real man feels like. Show me what goes around comes around on my face.
(she throws a heel at his head. He slaps her. she's laughing)
Chris: Shit. I'm sorry, baby. I got out of control.
Rihanna: Oh you done it. Your career is ova. I'm gonna call my lawyer.
Chris: Rihanna. Calm down.
Rihanna: I'm gonna call NBC. CBS. Everybody. You recording your next album from jail. Imma tell em you beat my ass. I can cry on
queue, Chris. God knows that's how I got to where I am.
Chris: Girl you need to think for a second.
Rihanna: Then imma put a ad on craigslist. Cuz while you in jail I'm fucking everybody. Diddy, TI, Shia Labouf. Oh yeah. Me and Shia
gonna meet up in Disturbia. Disturbia. Pound my ass transformers boy. Pound my ass.
Chris: Get the phone then. Go get the phone.
(she gets it)
Rihanna: I got it. Here it is.
(she waves it obnoxiously in his face)
Chris: Good. Cuz when I'm done with you. You ain't gonna be able to get up to get the phone.
(she makes a face like Halle Berry in Gothika)
Rihanna: Oh shit!!!!!!!

You know the rest. (Rihanna: Oh! My Face! Chris. Not my face!)