Wednesday, March 25, 2009

I Don't Care What You're Doing

Let me summarize what I'm about to say before I even say anything. If you use Twitter then you are the equivalent of people that jog in place at intersections, Dr. Phill watchers, and that patch of skin between a woman's ass and her vagina on a very hot day in Ecuador.

In case you don't know Twitter is the third largest social networking site despite having just started. And also despite the fact that its already a feature in the the two previously mentioned larger sites MySpace and Facebook. So in case you don't know what Twitter is, its the same thing as a Facebook status. And that's the whole product. The point of twitter is to the answer the age old question "What are you doing?" The problem? I don't fucking care. That's actually not strong enough. "Don't care" is simply "passive". The truth is, if you tell me I will actually "actively" get angry and may punch a kitten in the face.

Blogs were already a mixed bag. For every blog entry I write that educates and influences billions of readers with such mind blowing insight another is written by a tedius soccer mom somewhere that starts something like this:


As I was driving Samuel to school today someone totaly cut me off! Is getting to work really THAT IMPORTANT???(sue: you're a soccer mom. of course you dont understand) Samuel was especially quit today(learn to spell sue). I think he was more tired than usual. He did stay up til 8:30 watching Ace of Cakes with me!

I'll have to cut it off there before I lose all of you. Notice the final exclamtion point. Its some sort of punctuational oxymoron like "I am Boring!" The internet is litered with brain cell eradicating shit like this. Don't blog about what you are doing unless you are: a hitman, someone that travels the country killing and torturing guidos, or Jessica Alba's vibrator. What you are doing otherwise does not deserve to take up bytes on a server somewhere.

But Siggi...Twitter blerbs are limited to 140 characters. Thus are not like long boring blog posts. Shall we take a gander at SoccerSue07's twitter posts:

9:45 Dropping Samuel off at school. Somebody cut me off!!!
10:15 At the grocery store. I wonder if carrots are on sale today? Hmmmm???

Unless 12:05 is munching on glass til I die then spare me the rest of the day. I mean, even in conversation is there anything more superficial than "what did you do today?" Ugh. Kill me. But twitter explains its amazing uses on their website:

1. Find out what your friends are doing so you can join them.
What should happen: Your "friend" didn't invite you personally because he/she doesn't want you to come so stay home. Having a twitter account and having friends strikes me as a paradox in the first place.

2. find out important things like someone will be late for a meeting.
Consider: "Bob! What the hell happened? The merger fell through cuz you didn't show up for the aquisition meeting." - "I was shot by Triad gunmen. Didn't you see my twitter post from the ER?" -"No! What the fuck is twitter?" - "You don't have it?...Damn."

3. Find out things about your friends like they listen to Van Halen.
You see twitter. People actually have this form of communication that they sometimes execute when together. Its called talking. Twitter represents a future world I've caughten glimpses of but hope never actually becomes reality where people stop ringing doorbells and instead send out a text message that reads "standing outside." Oh and you guessed it...the door isn't opened until a return of "b right there."

And if you still really really need to let everyone know something thats good to know but isnt essential like you got into your first school of choice. Set your Facebook status. Its the same fucking thing. Twitter is for fucktards.


Heres a social networking site that im surprised no one has pruposed. Its literally like facebook(circa 2007 before it became a gigantic orgy of suckitude) except you have to take a test to get on. or something. Also you can get kicked off for proving stupidity post account creation.

Ex: Jennifer sets status to "Snuggling with the boyfirend and watching Grey's XOXO"
Server responds with: You have been banned from
Her account is deleted and if we can figure out who her boyfriend is we delete his account to.

I mean fuck. It might as well be called because once all the morons are exclued it'll natuarally become a spouting fountain of useful knowledge. I'm gonna go check that domain, and see what the restictions are on having a dot edu. I'll let everyone know (and not on fucking twitter either. probably a superbowl commerical).