Tuesday, June 9, 2009

The Farmer and His Chicken


(An old man sleeps in a rocking chair.)

Timmy: Grandpa. Grandpa. Wake up Grandpa.
Grandpa: Wha...What is it Timmy? Something wrong?
Tmmy: Kind of. Listen I need you to tell my friend Billy that important story you told me.
Grandpa: What happened?
Timmy: He gave his pudding snack to Tabitha at lunch.
Billy: So? She's nice I guess.
Grandpa: I see. I see. Timmy you did the right thing bringing him here. Now Billy. You may think that there is nothing wrong with the actions my grandson just described to me, but I assure you they could have the direst of consequences?
Billy: What do you mean?
Grandpa: I'm gonna tell you a story my father told me. A strory I told Timmy's father. A story I told Timmy because his father never had the chance to. And now I'm going to tell it to you so that you may tell your children and they can tell theirs. This is critical. Do you understand?
Billy: Yeah. Okay.

Unce upon a time there lived a happy farmer with a loving wife and two beautiful children. Every morning he rose with the crack of dawn and tended to his magnificent chickens before serving his large eyed daughters their breakfast. His chickens were so magnificent that he decided to take one to the town fair that year, and to his own surprise won the ribbon for finest chicken in all of the land.

The farmer kissed his chicken on the beak and studied his prize with a smile on his face until suddenly he was interrupted by a gypsy. The gypsy had with him his own chicken except this one the fattest bird human eyes had ever laid eyes on. Both the farmer and his chicken jumped back when the enormous chicken made a noise like mountains were splitting in half.

"Nothing to be scared of my friends," assured the raggedy gypsy. "I've come to make you a trade my good sir." The farmer waited for a proposal. "My magnificent chicken for your
magnificent chicken," continued the gypsy. At first the farmer was perplexed.

"Why would I want to trade you my prize winning chicken for that....that...beast?" asked the farmer.

"Beast? Perhaps," grinned the gypsy with horrifying teeth. "But that chicken has won you a prize this year. In weeks it will be just another chicken. There is no chance of returning here next year with that same chicken. But my chicken. My chicken will not win you a ribbon. No. No indeed, but it will only be bigger in a few weeks. And yet bigger in months," bargained the gypsy. "Think of the feast to be had. You can celebrate your win here today and feed the entire county with this chicken."

"But why don't you keep it then," asked the farmer still skeptical.
"I have no family dear sir. No friends to feed. In fact not even a home. I travel the land good sir and carrying around my bird has become well rather cumbersome you see. If I could take your bird then perhaps I can win a fair at a different town. Meanwhile you can treat your land to the greatest feast it has ever seen with mouth watering meat for all that have teeth," argued the gypsy quite convincingly.

And with that the farmer was swayed. He gave up his magnificent bird and towed home the plump chicken eager to show his wife and kids. He put the huge chicken into the coop with all his other chickens and poured extra food on the ground from the barrels. The fat chicken started pecking away instantly. The farmer watched this in awe. "That's it bird. Eat your fill. In two weeks you will feed all the land with your plump meet."

That night the farmer talked to his wife for hours in bed about planning the large festival. Exited about all the friends they would make, and in being the talk of the land. She was very pleased and they went to bed eager to prepare.

In the morning the farmer rose even earlier than he usually did. He skipped down to the coop as fast as his feet would allow him to see if his chicken had grown.

When he opened the door his jaws dropped to the floor. The chicken had grow ten times the size it was the day before. The farmer was ecstatic until he realized that the giant chicken had eaten all the corn feed. How would he feed the other chickens he thought to himself? But this question dissipated when the farmer noticed that he no longer had other chickens; just a pile of bones. The fat chicken had eaten all of his other birds!

"Oh god. What have I done?" the farmer cursed to the heavens. "I have to stop this madness."
The farmer ran inside to find his rifle. When he returned to the yard he noticed that the giant chicken was in the yard circled by his amazed family members. One of his daughters turned to him smiling.

"Oh my daddy. This really is the largest chicken that ever lived. It will be so delicious," she assured everyone.

"No! Get away from it," screamed the farmer.

But it was too late. Before he could lift his rifle the chicken gulped up one of his daughters and swallowed her whole. Then it ripped his wife's head off an spat it at the house. His only remaining daughter screamed in horror as her mother circled around blasting blood into the sky like a geiser. Then the giant bird pecked her face off and ripped her to shreds strewing her intestines all over the once green grass. Finally the enormous bird looked at the farmer and gave off a belch as loud as thunder.

Unable to move the farmer instead fell to his knees and lifted his rifle above his head.

(The old man is on his knees in the living room center holding a broom over his head.)
Grandpa: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Timmy puts a hand on Billy's shoulder)
Timmy: And that's why you always. Always. Say no to fat chicks.