Monday, July 27, 2009

How To Write a Chuck Palahniuk Novel in 5 Min.

Step 1: Pick a writing gimmick. Oral history, fragmented sentences, multiple character narrators has already been taken mind you.

Chapter 1

(Guevara'sThirdEye has entered the chat room)
(Roszak1968 has entered the chat room)
Guevara'sThirdEye: Hey, are you there?
Guevara'sThirdEye: I've been thinking about you all day.
Roszak1968: Me too!...I just got back.

Step 2: My character names are helpful but we need to make it even more painstakingly obvious that the major theme of this novel is anti-consumer culture and a loathing for modern societal conventions regarding human will and gender etc. You know. The usual.

Roszak1968: Are you ready already?
Guevara'sThirdEye: Yeah...I mean I kept a sweatshirt on this time cuz I think the heat is broke or something.
Roszak1968: You have to be completely naked Guevara. We agreed.
Guevara'sThirdEye: I know. Its just I don't wanna catch a cold.
Roszak1968: You won't catch a cold but you're letting society trap you.
Guevara'sThirdEye: Its just a sweatshirt.
Roszak1968: You have to lose all ties to the material world. Only then can you be free.
Guevara'sThirdEye: I feel better already.
Roszak1968: Its because you're as pure as when you were born. Tabula Rasa. The closest we can get to the ultimate innocence.

Step 3: Introduce a gimmicky activity that our main characters participate in to experience their own form of counter culture that frees them from the chains of mundane life, gender roles, and American society in general. Give it a stupid name.

Guevara'sThirdEye: I'm not even cold anymore. My adrenaline is pumping from thinking about "Double Purge."
Roszak1968: Do you have your knife?
Guevara'sThirdEye: Of course?
Roszak1968: Lotion?
Guevara'sThirdEye: Don't need it...I'm cutting my inner thigh. People are starting to ask questions about my arms at work.
Roszak1968: Good idea. I'm bleeding already.

Step 4: Shock the reader with gross visuals. Pray that they are misinterpreted as "on the edge" and "out there, man."

Guevara'sThirdEye: Me too. cutting here was great. I'm getting blood all over my dick while I masterbate.
Roszak1968: Are you actually gonna beat me to beating off once?
Guevara'sThirdEye: I might. This feels so good.
Roszak1968: Let it all out. The blood of labor. The jizz of false masculinity.
Guevara'sThirdEye: The knife blade is so cold.
Roszak1968: Watch out!
Guevara'sThirdEye: Fuck! I cut my dick off!
Roszak1968: Omg! Are you alright?
Guevara'sThirdEye: No! Oh god. I'm typing with five finger and a DICK right now!

Step 4: Have a gimmicky forced twist. Preferably tie the cause of all this chaos to a loose interpretation of the Oedipus complex.

Roszak1968: I'm calling you an ambulance. What's your address?
Guevara'sThirdEye: 12 Mainstream Ave, Chicago.
Roszak1968: Jake?...Is that you son?
Guevara'sThirdEye: Dad?
Roszak1968: How?...I've always hated you!
Guevara'sThirdEye: Now I'm poking my eyes out WITH MY DICK!!!!!!!!

Step 5: Wait for your check in the mail.