Monday, December 21, 2009

How Do I Sleep At Night?

Time: Sunday 3 o'clock.
Location: My parents house.

My parents return home from wherever. My mom looks at me with a huge pout.

Me: Hello.
Mom: I am very mad at you.
Me: What? Why?
Mom: You said you were coming home today to help us get a Christmas tree.
Me: I must be confused because isn't today...still...today?
Mom: It is already three. We couldn't get a tree right now.
Me: First off, that statement is false. There's nothing true about it in fact. Second I was here about an hour and a half ago, but you guys were gone. I assumed you went to go get a tree without me.
Mom: No. You weren't here so we went and got a tree yesterday. (let that one soak through for a second)
Me: So...even if I got here at sunrise it wouldn't have mattered because you already went and got a fucking tree without me? Are you serious?

Mother stares at me with a blank look across her face. What is this crazy logic?

Dad: Shut up! You are so selfish. Only thinking about yourself.
Me: Nice to see you too.
Dad: You knew my leg was hurting(how in the world he thinks this is true is beyond me. I hadn't seen him in a month and he didn't mention it EVER) and you knew that it snowed yet you did not even think to come home and shovel the driveway.
Me: Ivor told me you guys hired people to plow the driveway this winter.
Dad: Yes. But. They did not do a good job!
Me: Okay...So...In summary. I was supposed to read your mind to deduce that you were going to get a tree a day early. Then I was supposed to call you and say "hey. I know the plows probably came but just in case they didnt do a "good job" do you need me to drive home and finish shoveling the driveway?"

Mother is still staring blankly. "Yes. Why didn't you?" I read in her eyes.

Dad: You...make...me...sick.


Post Blog:

In reference to the driveway getting plowed...What my dad means by "they did not do a good job" is they charge for every four inches. So when they came back for the last 3 inches of snow I told them to fuck off because I'm not paying you twice. But these are such finicky details. Smetails if you will. The message here is clear. The moral of our fable unquestionable. I AM A TERRIBLE HUMAN BEING.

If you want to send your condolences to my parents for having to put up with my egotistical jack assery please send your letters to 19 Louis W. Farley Dr. Framingham, MA 01702. You can make out your letters to "The unfortunate parents of Siggi Asztalos." Happy holidays.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Notes on the 00's

Best Films: Traffic, Mulholland Dr, Memento, There Will Be Blood, Spirited Away, Kill Bill, A History of Violence, American Psycho, Cache, Amores Perros.

Worst Films: Tie. Signs, The Happening, Lady In The Water. Picking one is like asking whether I want regular, super, or premium gasoline to be poured on my face and then ignited.


Most Popular Band: Nickelback

Worst Band: See above.


Greatest Sports Moment: “Dats my qwaddaback…*sniff*…Dats my team.” And lets not forget Pedro vs. Zimmer.


Greatest Single Year: 2002. "Your lips those thighs/I love it when you look at me baby." What else is there to say?


Best Series of novels about a shy, small town girl that falls for a vampire, and the ensuing forbidden love is used as a literary reworking of Romeo and Juliet as well as a painfully obvious allegory for celibacy: Southern Vampire Mysteries by Charlaine Harris


RIP:


- Britney Murphy

- Michael Jackson

- Jonny Cash

- Layne Staley

- Heath Ledger

- NYSNC

- Backstreet Boys

- rap music

- any Olympian whose name doesn’t rhyme with Michael Phelps

- TV shows not about detectives that bang each other on the side or about doctors that bang each other and do medicine on the side

- cell phones that fit in your pocket

- going to the movies every couple of weeks

- WWF

- breaking up with someone in person

- search engines that don’t end in ‘oogle’

- double cheeseburger for a dollar at McDonalds

- smoking in public

- funny beer commercials

- Planet Pluto

- Chinese river dolphins

- Hayden Panettiere being underage...tear

- good Eminem verses

- a mental image of dinosaurs that's actually cool

- pokers moment in the spotlight

- Chuck Norris facts...fingers crossed for the revival.

- Brad Pitt and Will Smith's youths. Wild Wild West(1999) = hey there cowboy. Legend of Badger Vance(2000) = is that morgan freeman?

- What little remained of Eddie Murphy's career.

- Surge

- Lindsay Lohan's hotness soon followed by Lindsay Lohan's attractiveness proceded by Lindsay Lohan's status as a 1 and finally Lindsay Lohan's resemblance to a human being.


Good Riddance:


- George Bush

- Fiest

- Nu-Metal

- anti-spyware programs

- the war in…never mind

- wassssssssssup

- Everybody Loves Raymond

- Orlando Bloom being in every movie ever made

- Will Farrel being in every comedy ever made and the plot has to do with underdogs usually winning at some lame sport

- cans without wide mouths

- this one is huge...Carlos Mencia. OMG. Praise the lord.

- High School Musical...fingers crossed at least. I will say on record though...I think Zac Efron is a good actor.

- emo everything. Once again. OMG. Praise the lord.

- people thinking I give a shit what their ring tone is

- Mountain Dew "insert atrocious flavor here"

- Shows on which robots "fight." Fight being in quotes cuz by "fight" I mean "entangle in a corner."

- The XFL aka the X-ROFL

- "Can you hear me now?" ARRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!

- "I have good news....I just saved a bunch of money." Double AAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHH!

- with the death of rap we at least reap the benefits of the death of thirteen year old rappers such as Lil "insert any word in the dictionary here."

- The Sims

- New Kids On The Block...again. What were you thinking?

- The WB...wait. What? They just changed it to the CW? FFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU! Well then at least 7th Heaven is gone. I think the oldest kid was 52. Calling Jessica Biel a virgin was becoming a bit cumbersome.


How Did These Not Happen:


- AOL goes out of business

- a cream that replaces shaving is invented

- a TV show about K-Fed and Britney

- The Simpsons is canceled

- American Dad is canceled

- Star Craft 2....there have been 6 operating systems released since this game was announced.

- CSI: Katrina

- Hackers 2

- People stop buying Girls Gone Wild DVDs

- Kanye West gets punched in the face

- Olsen twins do Playboy

- the academy apologizes for their mistake...Crash?...no...that's not what we meant to say.

- American Idol changes a single thing about their format

- we melt pennies and turn them into paper weights

- the Rolling Stones stop touring/the Rolling Stones all die.

- someone beats me in a test of wits

- A gigapet iphone ap

- Comic Book Movie, Sports Movie, and Movie Movie.

- my job is outsourced to India.

- superjournal reaches 1 million hits. Come on now.


Did you know:


- That ten years ago TLC stood for The Learning Channel? Crazy, huh?

- MTV meant Music Television. Whaaa?!?!?

- Rappers...wait for it...rapped!

- People bought CD's...from the store!

- Paris Hilton apparently coined "That's hot." Really? People barely say that, and it sounds older than Paris Hilton.

- Jonny Depp once made movies other than pirates and Tim Burton flix.

- Tim Burton once made good movies.

- People had to write with pens and pencils. What? How did they know how to spell the words they were writing?...I can't remember.

- Al Pacino was an academy award winning actor.

- Books were writen between the bible and Harry Potter.


Welcome to the party:


- Facebook

- Viral videos

- Miley Cyrus

- being cool not based on your clothes but the gadgets you have

- texting people instead of ringing the doorbell

- snuggies

- blogging

- really big sunglasses

- ass inspections at airports

- maybe sometimes almost perhaps thinking about thinking about giving a shit about the environment

- old people playing video games

- double cheeseburger for a dollar from Burger King

- realization that Regan was a moron

- scripted reality TV

- a false notion that people actually care about what you’re doing right now

- a brand of comedy that involves saying fuck and dick descriptions a lot

- sending nude pics of yourself to your high school boyfriend, then breaking up, then killing yourself when he sends the pics to everyone at your school

- new food pyramid. Are eggs good or bad? We still have no fucking clue. Maybe after physicists discover the graviton we'll have a better understanding.

- the phrase "spontaneous dance party" as well as the unfortunate performance of

- an SAT that is somehow more miserable than what it already was

- Just when parents thought it couldnt get worse than 'like' and 'as if' introducing...the verbalization of omg, lol, brb, etc

- WOW

- Atkins and the Subway diet. No. They don't work in case you were wondering.

- Dan Brown, JK Rowling, Stephanie Meyers, and a well needed revival in pure, writing talent.

- Sudoku. I did one on the train today so I'm smart now, right?

- Wikipedia. I read that. I'm smart right? And the ensuing..."No you cannot cite wikipedia as a source on your research paper."

- Uggz. More specifically wearing Uggz as soon as its november even if its 65 degrees outside.

- instant texting at the wheel death syndrome.

- reality tv shows that we were dreading from happening in 1999.

- Zombie Movie Revival!

- The oxymoron that is Disney Channel sex scandal.

- Cash-4-Gold. Put your gold in an envelope that says "Gold Inside" and see if it makes it all the way to our warehouse. If in some insane circumstance it does we'll send you a check for "what have I done" dollars.

- web m.d. and thus no longer a need for doctors except for someone to argue with in the hospital about what you discovered on the internet.

- books and movies about how the world will end in 2012. Why am I wasting my time writing this? We're all gonna die!


Thursday, December 10, 2009

sNOOOOOw

Theres a word for tall and a word for short but not for someone in between. There's a word for fat and a word for skinny but if you're neither you're just 'normal.' You are of 'average' height. Thats how our language works, we only have unique words for the poles. So the fact that there is a condition termed 'seasonal affective disorder' confuses me.

When you get out of work/class at 4:10 and its pitch black outside...who doesn't want to turn their car on and wrap their lips around the muffler? We've all been waiting for a bus when its -12 outside and contemplated lying down in a ball and just letting go of that last breath of air.

Winter comes from the germanic wentruz which roughly translates to 'months of suckass.' It fucking sucks bonkerscock. So when I spend 30 minutes digging out a car only to realize its not mine, then moving on to my car only to have all my work undone by a late plow truck, and I throw the shovel at a woman with a stroller...don't tell me I have a disorder. This is what I call 'normal' behavior.

At this rate lets have a term like 'wartime depression.' Whats that? Oh thats when you're country is being invaded and your family and friends are getting slaughtered on the streets so you get a little more down than usual : (

Or maybe 'post ultraviolence disorder.' That's when you watch your wife get raped by a gang of hoodlums and then you're left crippled for life so you feel kinda sad and stuff.

Now that apartheid is over winter is the worst thing in the modern world. Of course I'm depressed about it. However, maybe seasonal affective disorder fits more linguistically in tune with a word like selfish. Everyone is inherently selfish, we need to to be in order to survive, so its implied that when we describe someone as selfish we mean they are more concerned with personal things than the average person who's only moderately selfish.

If this is the case then I definitely have seasonal affective disorder. Most people are like: hey, at least we can ski now. I'd rather it be summer for 365 days straight but I have AIDS for 4 months every year than there be a winter.

Q: Siggi. Why dont you just move somewhere warmer?
A: Shut the fuck up.

But then there's another psyche related phrase that gets thrown around this time of the year: holiday blues or christmas anxiety etc. Now this one really puzzles me. People are like we have to get a tree, buy presents, cook food. Yeah. So? All those things are fucking awesome. Who doesnt like Christmas trees? Fuckin commies. You buy presents for people who then get you presents. I don't care that I got you a $100 CD box set and you got me a $20 waffle maker because now I have a waffle maker! Where'd Siggi go? Oh he's just in the kitchen MAKIN FUCKIN WAFFLES!

Thank god winter is overloaded with holidays. If all the holidays were in summer and we had to go all of winter with just a few mondays off I would have offed myself winter of 91 in kindergarten.

So I'll probably do a lot of drinking starting now. But don't call me an alcoholic; I'm just depressed. But not like mental problems depressed just depressed cuz its cold and shit. In no way, shape, or form is this self medication. Why don't we use something with positive connotation for a change...adaptation. Yeah. That's it. Pour me a shot for every degree we get below 32.