Friday, January 29, 2010

Technology Bottle Neck


Technology is all the rage these days. Everyone's interested and surprisingly everyone also has very high expectations. It used to be that if you made something require one less battery or make a little less noise your stock tripled the next quarter. Now people aren't satisfied with anything short of revolutionary.

The latest example is the ipad. "Its just a big itouch." Well, no argument there. "Windows vista was so turds, should I upgrade to 7? I heard its not much of a game changer." Etc. Etc.

Sometimes I'm disappointed with the current state of technology myself. Examples:

- Why do I still have to shave with a razor? Where's the magic cream that removes hair for four months?
- Where's my mother fucking high speed train down the east coast?
- Why isn't there a dick spray that 99.8% effectively prevents AIDS and other STD's? "Leave gonorrhea and your seed inside her vagina with Dick Spray....Side effects may include stinky dick."
- Where's my back massaging robot?
- Why isn't there a single over the counter drug whose main ingredient isn't placebius?
- Why isn't there a single translation software where if you put "I saw two cats" into English to Spanish translator and then take the result and plug it into Spanish to English my translation doesn't read "Hindu rape arms eat panthers."
-Why don't I have a car that runs on poop?
- Why don't I have a vest for super cold days that I can fill with soup to keep me warm as well as providing a convenient meal on the go? "Never be cold or hungry again with Soup Vest."
- And yes. My cat does make too much noise!!!

But when it comes to technology theres a bottleneck people don't seem to understand. I mean you can get a computer with 10 terabytes of harddrive space. You can access some form of the internet at essentially any inhabited place on the planet. You can fit all this power into your pocket. And Americans will happily pay for it then proceed to not harnessing it what so ever.
The bottleneck no one mentions is human retardation.

To drive this point across I've created a theoretical device. Its called the Sig-Pad. Its a 12" portable full use computer with an completely interactive touch screen. I will describe first its features and then how the average american would actually use the product.

Sig-Calc:
One of the most advanced calculators ever created. You write equations with your fingertip. Sig-Calc understands all the common symbols from addition through integration to lamda functions and beyond. Graphs in seconds. Has a solver and can find the prime factors of 2^100 in nano seconds. Never be without a solution to a problem again.
How America will use it:
100*.15=15
"Guys. I figured it out. We have to leave $15 of tip."


Sig-Create:
Sig-Pad is equipped with a 20 mega pixel camera. Snap pictures with it then use touch screen software more advanced than photoshop to crop, adjust, and layer all your images. Then use the advanced painting features to add perfectly refined strokes onto an image or a blank canvas. The world and its beauty and your vivid imagination are all at your fingertips. Never lose another artistic moment again.
How America will use it:


Sig-Library:
Every book ever written is at your disposal. Search a single chapter, book, or entire library for the exact ideas you are looking for instantly. Tag themes in the books you've read and search a database of tags created by millions of users like yourself. A research paper on war attrition has no boundaries now. Write personal notes in the margins and pull up your research paper alongside the resources. Autocite makes MLA formatting a distant idea of the past. Never spend days at the library again endlessly thumbing through indexes of books written 100 years ago.
How America will use it:
Searching for Grapes of Wrath Cliff Notes...

Sig-Man:
An interactive puzzle game for those long train rides home. Navigate a character through an array of mazes that require understanding of each worlds unique physics system. What are the forces at play in the current world? What are the rules of time here? Create maps and share them with the entire online community. Science and gaming are finally merged in a satisfactory way. Never will parents again complain that their kid is playing a video game.
How Americans will use it:
Are you sure you want to delete Sig-Man? [YES] NO
Are you sure you want to install Kitty Cannon? [YES]
NO

Sig-Browse:
The most advanced internet browser on the planet. Pages load instantly on a highly modifiable template. Drag pictures and text directly out of a page and into your library, personal web page, or a forum. Refresh your server at home manually and update your page in seconds. A bin stores not just bookmarks but specific data you found interesting and wanted to be able to navigate back to in seconds. A simple GUI allows you to clean it up and organize all this information easily. Never lose an interesting tidbit on the internet again.
How Americans will use it:
Facebook status update(3:03 AM) - Catching up on the hills then feeding my cat.
3 people like this!
Notification: Siggi Asztalos has dropped you as a friend.

Sig-$:
Instantly access up to date stock exchange information. Chart regressions, evaluate your portfolio, and buy/trade on the spot. Unprecedented statistical software can compare correlations over any period of time. Add any variables and watch the graphs remodel before your eyes. Remote to your work station or to other's portfolios and projects using the most advanced network security protocols ever invented. Never be away from your money, information, and opportunities again.
How Americans will use it:
Sigpad has detected that there are icons on your home pad that are not being used. Sig-$ has been accessed 0 times in 245 days 12 hours and 16 minutes. Would you like to remove this item from your work area? YES NO [I'm not sure. My brain is very small. So small.]

Sig-Talk:
Video conference with any amount of friends or associates. Open an interactive meeting with these people that allows you to drag and drop videos and photos you find useful in real time. Or simply share your screen. If someone needs help with something they can grant you control and you literally work on their Sig-Pad while they watch. Never have another conversation where you have to explain to a friend how to open the console or where to find a folder.
How Americans will use it:
yo. I'm txting you cuz im sooooo bored lol.
omg. tgif. class is so miserable.
did you get the nude pics of casey from jeff?
yeah. she is such a slut! i hope she kills herself of something omg.
rofl. totally.

I see parents buying their 12 year old kids $2000 mac stations all the time. A desktop running windows 95, estimated cost $95, supports internet browsing which includes facebook. And it comes with microsoft word. These are the only two things your kid will ever do on their computer. I assure you.
Every new phone supports text messaging.
And who cares if ipad can only do one thing at a time. Do you really have to update twitter and facebook simultaneously?

Slower connections means the average american has to wait longer for their downloads. Lack of multi-threading means it takes the average american longer to get things done. Subpar touch screen keyboards require average americans to spend more time writing a message. But until the time of an average american has any value...what difference does it make? Steve Jobs knew that so apple invested all their money into making ipad look slick(just like every product they've released in the last decade). Money in the bank.

Still bored with your ipad? Go to the gym. Read a book. Lick my balls. Pick one.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Stupidity Timeline: Part 2


I originally anticipated a two part series for this. Young years and then older years. Obviously I underestimated the quantity my stupidity presents itself in. Welcome to part two of...six? Ten? Who knows, right? The following graph explains everything I'm trying to say with this:


Shall we continue...

1993:

Andre Agassi has a headband. Ninjas have headbands. I want a headband. Mom, what can I make a headband out of? I don’t know, honey, use your imagination. Never. Ever. Say those words to Siggi Asztalos.

I take two bubble tape’s. That’s 12 feet of fun and chew the shit out of it. Then I wrap it around my head. Boom! Headband! I rush to the mirror. Siggi Asztalos Mental Snapshot: You are the coolest person in the world.

Hey!, dad, check this shazitt out. Forehead slap. Kati, bisztos hogy ez a miyenk? Translation: Kati, are you sure this one is ours. What follows is a haircut that ranks as one of the most painful moments of my life. If I bite my lip and take it then my dad just digs the scissors deeper into my skull. If I finally give in and let out a scream I get a backhand to the face. My dad’s logic of course - what’s the difference? I can’t possibly make this boy any stupider.

Present Me: See? This wouldn’t have happened if you were wearing your helmet.


1993:

Siggi Asztalos Mental Snapshot: Home Alone 2: Lost in New York City is the greatest single achievement in cinematic history. One of my friends agrees with this assertion. Together we invent a new game. Basically we'll go around the apartment complex setting "traps" hoping that the other will accidentally trigger them. Now "traps" is in quotation marks for a reason.

I sit down at my desk and spend two hours drawing up an elaborate blueprint. The following appeared at least once: shark tank, super soaker filled with liquid nitrogen, glue/bread crumbs/a fan/a flock of genetically altered seagulls with titanium talons.

These are the traps I actually end up setting:

1. I put marbles on the floor in front of the kids house.

2. I nail a piece of string across the door frame to one of the gates leading into the courtyard. I nail one of the other gates shut to lure my foe to this one.

3. I pour shampoo on the smooth floor of the laundry room.

4. I equipt myself with stashed fireworks that I will use later in ingenious ways.

This is what actually ends up happening:

1. The marbles roll away because the floor is not level. It doesnt matter because my friend forgets about the game and stays inside to play sega.

2. "Why the fuck is this gate stuck?" - 50 random people that have nothing to do with our game.

3. The janitor mops the floor of the laundry room after two older women slip trying to wash their clothes. One can't walk for a week.

4. Fireworks remain in my fanny pack. No ingenious idea comes to mind for their use. I don't think I had a lighter in the first place.

Present Me: Look what you did ya little jerk!

1994:

Contents of Siggi's backpack at 8:00 -

Folder, Notebook, mom made sandwich(two slices of bread that look like they were ripped from the loaf by a rabid wolverine, one stick of butter...not spread in any way....just lying atop the bread, a single slice of salami), juice box, baggie of bell peppers(yeah...thats a hungarian thing), and an action figure.

(screaming up from the street to our second floor apartment)
Alex: Yo. You guys coming? The bus will be here.
Me: Yeah. Shit I can see it. I'm gonna throw my backpack down from the balcony. Catch it.
Alex: What? Why?
Me: Dude its faster than me carrying it all the way down the stairs(Siggi Asztalos Mental Snapshot: Obviously). And it'll be sick nasty.
Alex: Yeah dood. Drop it. Imma catch it all sick and stuff.

Contents of Siggi's backpack at 8:05 -

Mangled folder, Juice drenched notebook, action figure with no arms(it was already missing 1 arm cuz my dad got it for 12 cents at a garage sale), and a fine jambalaya consisting of peppers-bread crumbs - salami - juice - plastic - paper - and erasers.

Present Me:

Time it takes to argue with Alex + time it takes to throw back pack + time it takes to go down the stairs (<) time it take to go down the stairs
.

Note that the symbol (<) stands for "what are you stupid? Obviously less than."

1994:

Lyrics to an original song written and performed by Siggi Asztalos and Adam G. -

Aidee aidee up in day. Aidee up in day-o.
Aidee aidee up in day. Cutting...out...a...coupon.

Aidee aidee up in day. Aidee up in day-o.
Aidee aidee up in day. Opening...my...binder.

Aidee aidee up in day. Aidee up in day-o.
Aidee aidee up in day. Sharpening...a...pencil.

And it just keeps going like that forever and ever.

Present Me: I don't know why I put this on this list....That song was fucking sick!

1994:

When you’re poor you don’t have babysitters. You get sent to a friend’s house for the night. But I had already slept over at everyone’s house this particular month and my mom knew that none of the parents had had a long enough time to cool off since last I was over. Examples:

Me: Watcha watchin?
Friends Dad: Baseball game.
Me: Baseball is so boring.
Friends Dad: Well, its America’s favorite pastime, you know?
Me: Americans are stupid.

Friends Mom: You guys hungry?
Me: I ate before I came cuz I know you can’t cook…You have any ice cream?

So now what? Dad sure as fuck isn’t paying someone to watch TV at our house. Let me introduce you to our new, child-safe, social services-compliant sitter…tape. Yes. As in what you wrap presents with. The way this works is dad puts a piece of tape going from the door to the frame on the
outside of the front entrance when he leaves. This is accompanied with a verbal threat: if you leave. I will know...and I will beat you. (note that the tapes effectiveness at preventing me from burning down the apartment or stopping Alex and his droogs from waltzing in and doing the ol' in-out-in-out with my bung hole is 0% effectiveness)

Ok. I’m nine. Its nine o’clock. I have absolutely nowhere to go…until now. Now
I HAVE TO get out of the house, and get back inside without him finding out. It is, in a sense, my destiny. As soon as they leave I prance outside. Look at me world. I’m free!

Within 90 seconds I’m cold and bored so I head back in, but now I have to deal with the loose tape. I try sticks, back scratchers, toys. None allow the door to shut properly. So I find some string. It wont cling to the tape. So I take my pajama pants off, get a leg caught to the tape, and pull the door shut. The pants are stuck so I yank them free. Success!

My parents come home. There’s a piece of mangled tape at the doorstep covered in lint and hair. My dad opens the door and a piece of fabric falls to his feet.

You already know how this story ends. Just like the rest of them…face pounding. But the funny thing is…all I had to do was go to sleep. Fuck it. Just go to bed and fake sleeping. Even my dad's not angry enough to wake a sleeping child just so that he can knock me back out.

But when they get upstairs I’m sitting in ripped pants on the couch, covered in crumbs and grease, watching Basic Instinct. And remember, I think the tape is perfectly in place. So I make some smug remark like, “How’s life outside of prison?”

You know that scene from Jurassic Park when they lower the cow into the raptor cage? That’s what happened. Except my face was the cow, and instead of raptors it was knuckles.

If you told this story to a psychologist they’d say I was an adrenaline junkie. Or I was fighting for attention, or enjoyed being the victim. That would be another false interpretation produced by over analysis. Why did I do these things? Simple. Because I was stupid. Incredibly stupid. Case closed.

Present Me: "No" means "yes" and "yes" means "anal beatdown once you make dad regret his decision."

Friday, January 15, 2010

1.5 Billion and Counting

Why Avatar kinda sucks in a nutshell:

Lets say I spend a billion dollars making the most visually stunning movie ever made. 3-D glasses not needed. The movie theaters are equipped with screens inside other screens reflected off thousands of mirrors onto more screens that of course are inside other screens that send lasers straight into your brain bypassing the eyeballs completely.

Now my film is called Terminal War. World War III is underway between the glorious Blue nations and the evil Red armies. The most masterful general of the Blue's is a military genius by the name of Jimmy Conrad. Knowing they can't win the war with Jimmy Conrad opposing them the Reds detour their resources into building a killer cyborg and a time machine to send the cyborg back in time to when Jimmy Conrad was just a teen. A human spy from the Blue army leaps into the worm hole at the last second and him and the cyborg face off in 2010 America in a multitude of eye popping chase scenes. The cyborg is destroyed, and Jimmy lives at the end but of course a sequel is clearly set up for.

Now I built a time machine and went into the future so I could find some reviews for Terminal War, and here are a few:

"This movie might look nice, really really really nice, but it stinks like shit." - New York Times

"A shameless rip off like no other I've seen." - Time

"I hope this jackass has another billion dollars to fight the lawsuit that's sure to kick off from this blatant plagiarism." - EW

"Like not very original and stuff." - Stephanie Meyer

"Mr. Asztalos. All I want to say is that...You. Make. Me. Sick!" - Michael Bay

Conversely here are some reviews for Avatar:

"Cameron has never made a movie just to show off visual pyrotechnics: Every bit of technology in "Avatar" serves the greater purpose of a deeply felt love story." - Kirk Honeycutt

"Avatar is entertainment of the highest order. It's the best movie of 2009." - James Berardinelli

And my personal favorite:

" 10/10. Now Cammeron’s king of a world he made from scratch." - David Edelstein

From scratch? I was skeptical of that assessment until I found the recipe he used on his website:

1. Mix 2 cups deveined Pocahontas with 3 cups of Ferngully as is(important note: after opening packaging do not change in any way whatsover).

2. Separate out the yolk from 3 Last Samurais and 4 Dances with Wolves. Discard the yolks. We only want the remaining white guilts that are left over.

3. Mix all ingredients with six metric tons of eye candy and serve.


Now I saw Cammeron's movie and it was worth my $10.50. But it was nowhere near the best film of the year. It wasn't even the best film of the month. I mean shit. Going along with the theme of this post...It wasn't even the best "oppressive human becomes an alien and learns from his mistakes while teaching us about our own racial tensions" movie of the year. That title goes to District 9.