Friday, May 7, 2010

Chappstick Psychology

You can't just leave chapstick out. It has to go somewhere accessible and memorable cuz there's nothing worse than absolutely needing the stupid stuff and you can't find your damn stick. When you scratch an itch it goes away. When you lick your chapped lips its relief for literally 0.004 seconds after your tongue separates from the labia.

But you can't just leave it in plain sight either. Like just lying on your desk or something. Cuz now you go to grab your car keys, and you see it. Am I gonna need that? Well now you do. Cuz as soon as you even cop a glance at a stick of chapstick its like the winds of the Nairobi Desert cross the seas and come to bitch slap you in the face.

It's really a strange psycological phenomenon. Sure when you're watching TV and you see an ad for Burger King suddenly you feel a little hungry. But its not like your girlfriend has to run and make you a sandwich because suddenly she notices you're salivating as you look at her calves. Here's a BLT, babe. Please don't eat me.

The only other equivalent I can think of that would even pale in comparison to leaving out chapstick is if I left the following note on my dresser to wake up to: they do.


I should have wrote this(aka started thinking about chapstick) when I had access to chapstick. Now I'm in worlds of pain. I've been making out with a stapler for the past 20 minutes to try keep them moisturized. How come this doesn't work in reverse? why doesnt thinking about getting a back massage feel good. Why doesnt thinking about eating a huge meal make you less hungry? Why isn't this image of a fondue fountain pouring Vaseline on my lips while angels smear it around with golden spatulas helping at all? C'mon!

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

The Regulators

You ever wonder what every fast food place, chain, or any local restaurant does with their left over food at the end of the day? I'll tell ya. They put them into large black bags. Go out the back door. And then they throw them in a dumpster.

You ever wonder why they waste these literal tons of food instead of giving them to homeless people and other starving Americans? I'll tell ya. Red tape. Laws. The government. A place like Dunkin Donuts can't just throw all their bagels and sandwitches into a large bag and send them to a homeless shelter. Apparently food can leave the premise in one of three ways:

1. In the hands of a customer.
2. Thrown into a dumpster.
3. Packaged into boxes and shipped out.

So if DD wanted to give their food away they'd have to hire workers to package the food into additional packaging they would have to pay for just to give the food away for free.

And if they throw it into the dumpster out back laws protect DD. If a hobo dives into a dumpster and eats tablets of poison thrown out by Dunkin, for whatever ungodly reason, well that's just too effing bad. Natural selection. These laws don't protect them if they give their food to a homeless shelter. Even though they didn't pay they are still treated as customers. And Dunkin knows that some homeless guy who hasn't eaten in weeks is going to swallow a cream cheese bagel whole. And they know that a jury of dimwit fatties is going to side with this unfortunate vietnam veterans lawyer and decide that in fact Dunkin Donuts should have placed a sticker on their bagel with a warning: please chew before swallowing. Poop. There goes 15 million dollars.

So Dunkin Donuts is faced with additional costs. Laws and regulations. Risks. And with these risks dire consequences. They decide fuck it, and they toss their food. In fact, the restrictions are so abundant and strict that non profit organizations that try to take this load off of Dunkin's and get free food to poor people all crash and go bankrupt. There's simply too much regulation to get past.


Goldman Sachs draws up a new convoluted derivative and prices it at whatever the fuck they feel like. As long as some chinese guy puts black-scholes and a taylor series in there somewhere then it must be legit. I mean if people are willing to buy it at said price then it must must be right. Invisible hand. Except you lie to all your investors about what they're buying, but again that's capitalism. If you lie to everyone the market will figure it out. It always does. It figures everything out ;=) Plus this is legal so there's nothing to worry about.

Then they send the underlying loans to Moody's with a note that says, "If this doesn't come back triple-A we're taking our business to S&P." In some circles of finance(the bitch ass sector) this is frowned upon. In the rest of the circles this is refereed to as standard operating procedure. Regardless its legal. Why would you regulate this?

So the triple-A stamp comes back and now GS has to back up 100 million in debt with $12 and fourteen cents(the contract said Lloyd Blankfein's change cup in his Bentley would be ample collateral for this loan). So now when one meth addict in Indiana defaults one mortgage payment the portfolio goes bust.

Dear investors,

We lost all your money, but don't worry too much about it cuz the economy is about to crash.

Couldn't care less,
Wall St.

To recap: You can take billions of other people's money and tell them you'll do smart low risk things with it. Then take that money to Las Vegas and bet the casino that the roulette ball will spin out of the wheel and land in that guys gin and tonic. That guy? No not that guy right next to the table. The one way over there. Across the room. The one in the hat? Yeah. That guy. 3 billion on that guy's gin and tonic. Hold on. I'll have to check with the government....Okay. They said that was fine.

To recap: You cannot take food that's getting thrown away anyway and put it into the mouths of people that may not make it through the week without a meal.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Siggi Explains the Universe, Part 1: Rich Girls Are Hotter

Fact. Rich girls are hotter. I'm not even gonna bother googling this to present you with some figures. Just open your high school yearbook. Log on to facebook. Watch any movie ever. Or just close your eyes for like 8 fucking seconds. See?

The fact became indisputable to me when I went to a Five Guys in a poorer town where trashy white kids hang out followed by a Five Guys a week later in a wealthy neighborhood that was popped collar central.

Of course rich girls can afford make up, or better makeup. They get $240 haircuts but this goes far beyond hiding flaws. It goes back to their upbringing. To when they were babies. And even generations back. If you trace Helen of Troy's lineage sooner or later you end up at that Five Guys in Wellesley. Money stays with the wealthy century after century. So does bonability. Here's the reasons why:

1. Genetics

If a woman was born before the women's rights movements not already into a family of wealth she essentially had a chance at becoming affluent in one of two ways(since intelligence, hard work, and talent were meaningless back then). One was to be born freakishly ugly. I'm talking lobster claws for hands or the underside of a horseshoe crab where your face should be ugly. Before there were movies there was the circus. Before Audrey Hepburne was a star you know who every man, woman, and child across America was talking about?...Gargoyle-grundell-for-a-face-woman. She was legendary. She was rich.

Option 2. Much preferred, is to be a smoke show. Pre 1950 the way this worked is a hottie walked into a party/ball/masquerade/orgy and showed a little ankle skin. Just a smiggen cuz she doesn't wanna look like a total slut and a Rockefeller/slave owner/infertile prince/bisexual Caesar would blow a load in his suit/tux/leotards/toga and demand her hand in marriage immediately.

Post 1950's the way this worked is a comely young gal would go to a job/college/loan interview and when the bald headed doink across the desk asked why you deserve this job/college/loan she would bat her eyelids. He would towel the condensation from his spectacles and...$$$.

Regardless. Whether it was a present day rich girls grandmother in 1955 slowly crossing her legs to get into an Ivy OR if it was her great-great-great-grandmother copping a glance of her talus bone to a monarch - the end result was the same. Hotness was introduced into the gene pool. And they had hot rich kids who had hot rich kids. Until one day they had the hot rich daughter who grew up and went to high school circa 2010. Now shes licking mustard from the side of her mouth at this Five Guys smiling at me amorously. She plays with her car keys as if to tell me "hey. I'm at least sixteen." Or perhaps to inform me that she will kindly drive me to the police station afterward. I decide I don't want to go to federal pound me in the ass prison just yet.

2. Fashion

Fact. Perry Ellis doesn't come in heifer. Or even normal or lanky. In fact, there's only two sizes: anorexia and crystal meth. Levis(rich girls across america: ewwwww) come in all sorts of sizes. So if you're a poor girl and you're going through some changes and you put on a few pounds its not the end of the world. But if you're a rich girl...the only piece of clothing from your Chanel wardrobe that fits you now is that poncho. OMG! I'm a size 6, <16 BMI, 97 pound tub of lard! Time to go on a diet.

3. Diet

Its really easy to eat healthy when your stay at home mom goes to whole foods daily and picks up fresh produce so her little angels can swing in the backyard hammock sucking on delicious concord grapes out on the haptons. When your family's fridge calendar looks like this:

Monday: pizza hut
Tuesday: taco night
Wednesday: dominoes
Thursday: left over tacos!
Friday: pizza tacos
Saturday: taco pizzas
Sunday: mexican-italian night

its a lot more difficult to eat right.

4. Sports

Okay. Pretty much anyone can do sports these days save the poorest of the poor. But rich girls differ in two ways. One, is the sports they do. Sports at your public high school are free but besides burning some calories they aren't cropping hotness. Girls tennis players just end up with asymmetrical arms. Field hockey players with sore backs. Girls lacrosse players just end up with this confused look across their face like "are we even playing lacrosse? Sometimes I wish I was a guy for a few hours a day."

But these are all games. Ho hum entertainment for the plebeians and serfs. Rich girls do "lady" activities. Like ballet, ice skating, and synchronized swimming.

You see where I'm going with this? Girls don't do these activities just to stay healthy but because we learned hundreds of years ago that they sculpted angelic bodies. Tone but womanly. So why don't not rich girls get on that bandwaggon? Simple. They don't have ballet at PE. Nor is there are a synchronized swimming high school team. You gotta pay comparatively big bucks to do these things. And you also have to start them early.

Which takes us to the second difference. Rich moms sign up their daughters for ballet when they are like 5. So while her little Amy is at ballet camp chiseling her calves/firming her buttocks without negatively impacting boob growth whatsoever, Billy Jean from across the tracks is chasing butterflies in a meadow and rolling around in mud. Sure that may sound like fun, but when she's 33 living with two cats shes gonna have wished her parents had enough money to get her into figure skating.

5. Image

Media and advertising's effect on young girl minds is always a hot topic of discussion. Its criticized for creating false images and lowering their self esteem. But what about, and I'm dead serious here, the good side? So what if we're encouraging girls to be thin? So what? But the bar is too high they say. I say that's the point. Rare is beauty. These people are appealing to us because so few can look like them. If everyone could be like them then they'd be...average. In a sense we know we can't look like them. Even most 13 year old girls understand that. So let them strive I say.

And getting back to our topic - rich girls will strive harder. Why? Take me. I can idealize Kobe Bryant all I want. I know deep down inside, though, that no matter how hard I practice I won't make it to the NBA. However, if I were 6 foot 8 it would be a totally different story. Then I'd have motivation.

Not rich girls see ScoJo on the cover of a magazine and they close their eyes and fantasize about being her, but that's the extent of it. They'd have to get in the best shape of their lives. Go to LA and be a starving artist with just a faint glimmer of hope that someone would discover them. They realize this and go on living their regular lives.

But rich girls look at the same magazine cover, and think that could be me. Mom! Doesn't your sister in law work at a huge talent agency in NYC? She sure does. And your uncle is a producer out in LA. Guess who's motivated to be in the best shape of their lives, and always be glowing so that she can prep herself for when she inevitably(in her mind) walks down the carpet at the acedemy awards?

6. Stress

Stress is bad for health. Bad for looks. Especially at those critical ages when girls are just coming into their bodies.

What every girl stresses about: will steve notice me today?, zits, girls wearing the same outfit as them, will mark notice me today?, class, parents not letting them go out, will joe notice me today?

But then there's a huge difference between fretting about receiving the scholarship you have to get in order to go to college AND whether you should fly to rome for two weeks then venice or the other way around.


So if you're rich, you're probably gonna be hot when you grow up. If you're hot, sooner or later you'll be rich. Even if you sound like the chicks from the Hills. Life just isn't fair. But for all the poor people. I want to conclude by saying that there are great rewards for you as well; they come in different packages. Poor people really can appreciate the small things in life so much better. And to be discussed in our next entry coming soon...Siggi Explains the Universe, Part 2: Only Poor People Fall in Love.