Wednesday, July 14, 2010

The Latest Fartbender

Platforms of interest as we approach the midterms:

1. Stabilization of the economy.
2. Addressing environmental concerns.
3. Passing legislation that prevents M Night from making films.

Anderson Cooper: President Obama. What will you do to prevent M Night Shyamalan from making another film?
Obama: I'm glad you bring that up Anderson. It's a very important topic, and...

When James Cameron first claimed copyright infringements on M. Night Shyamalan’s latest, which was supposed to be called Avatar: The Last Airbender, I remember thinking Cameron is such a dick. The animated show of the name came out long before his stupid fucking movie so deal with it. Then I went out and saw The Last Airbender, and it all makes sense to me now. It wasn’t that Cameron didn’t want another film released within the year to share a title with his epic. It’s that he didn’t want his film to share a title with a film made by M Night. And that…actually makes perfect fucking sense.

Imagine a ten year old asking his mom for Avatar on DVD for Christmas. Seeing that kid prance down the steps on that snowy morning, storm to the tree, and gleefully unwrap his gift only to find a copy of Avatar: The Last Air Bender is like the fucking exact opposite of Christmas…and I don’t mean like Easter. That’s like asking your mom for ice cream and she goes outside, pisses in the snow, scoops it up, packs it up nice and tight, hands the block to K-Rod who pitches a scorcher to A-Rod, who then belts it right into the eyeball of the poor boy. Then the three of them sit around eating ice cream and laughing while the boy rolls around in pain. James Cameron woke up from a nightmare very similar to what I just described and got on the horn with his lawyer immediately. Good call.

Avatar was a let down. 500 million and insane technical skill wasted on an unoriginal story. But James Cameron can direct. M Night clearly cannot. Everything in Pandora was thought out to the finest detail and brought to the screen magically. M Night doesn’t seem to understand even the most basic basics of our world let alone a fantasy universe. A million fireballs are thrown…nothing ever catches on fire. In the opening scene a chick drops a ball of water on her brother sitting off screen…he stands up and complains but there isn't a single drop of water on him. I mean I can understand how M Night doesn’t understand our world seeing as he lives inside of his own ego. But if Nickelodeon hires you to make a movie about the fucking four god damn elements can you at least Wikipedia ‘fire’ or something? For fuck’s sake, man. Ask your assistant to bring you some of this so called ‘water’ and pour it on yourself.

Why is it sticking to me like that?
That’s called being wet, sir.
Wow. Its feels like what my drawers feel like after I watch one of my masterpieces.
I know, sir...I do your laundry.

And we already know from The Happening that the guy doesn't know how air works. Despite the cartoon pictures on your local weather report, M Night, it turns out wind does not travel in definitive waves that you can try to run away from in open fields.

Moving on.

Sam Worthington was railed by critics over Avatar and those other 20 fucking movies he made in 2009(dood was the new Orlando Bloom for a second). And there's justification to the criticism. The Aussie has to exert so much energy into sounding American there is no effort left for acting. But Worthington would seem like Daniel Day Lewis if he was in the Last Airbender. I mean my god was the acting awful. M Night can even make good actors suck: mark wahlberg, sigourney weaver, paul giammati. So if he directs a bunch of no name children you had better prepare yourself. Its like they were trying to get a tax cut so they hired a bunch of teens from a camp for kids with special needs. Why don't you water bend the droll off your face before we do this next take?

Every line of dialogue is delivered so over deliberately and slowly its like we're watching a play for partially blind and death people. And it does feel like a play. To save money there are really only a few set pieces. Characters literally say stuff then leave the screen for a few minutes only to return a few minutes later. Its like where the fuck did you go...to the vending machines? Then they all return with stunned faces like...

Omg what happened while we were gone?
The fucking bad guys came man...didn't you pass them in the hallway cuz you literally got here just as they left.
Well the bad guys must have exited stage right.
Ah. Yes. I see. That also explains how they got into the MIDDLE OF OUR FUCKING CITY AMIDST THE FURY OF AN ALL OUT WAR WITHOUT ANYONE FUCKING NOTICING.

Oh. And by the way...the plot makes no sense, the dialogue and narrations make you long for the big speech from Avatar or even the 500 different variations of 'whats happening' from Night's last film, the villains are less menacing than the larger mutts from the Puppy Super Bowl, theres 30 minutes of terrible Tai Chi, and instead of a twist ending we have a lead in to a sequel that by jove hopefully doesn't ever happen. And the pinnacle of the suckitude had to be this excerpt from the script:

Ext. Beach - Day

Aaang sees a necklace on the ground.

Aaang
I remember when I gave this to Jong.

Cut to: Flashback of Aang handing some monk a necklace and then cut right back to the scene.

ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!?!?!

Shyamalan is already peddling another project throughout Hollywood. As always, one of his assistants goes to exec's offices with the scripts and as soon as they have finished their read she leaves with it. Does he really think his ideas are valuable in 2010? That top execs are gonna fight over his latest project? He has to be the worst investment ever: a promise of non return on investment and instead of dividends you get Razzies. Yipie! You might as well buy stock in a company that sells VHS tapes and medicine for small pox.

Harvey Weinstein: Goddamit! Can you grab some toilet paper from Bob's office, Pam?
Pam: He's all out too Harvey. You want me to try another floor?
Harvey: Fuck. Tell ya what. Go to my desk and see if there are any scripts from M Night's people on it.
Pam: I think its soggy. Bob and Jim were laughing so hard when they read it that they soaked our only copy....I got Transformers 3, though, and Jessica Alba's latest out here.
Harvey: *sigh*....Its just not the same.
Pam: You want me to check the hard drive for The Village or something and print it out?
Harvey: You read my mind again, Pam. You read my mind.