Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Four Lokos Bannedokos


After some user consumption analytics and some scientific testing enough evidence was found to ban the sale of Four Lokos(a caffeinated malt beverage) in our puritan state as well as many others. Critics of the drink sited the fact that the larger can and alcohol content of the beverage is misleading. As well as the fact that the high caffeine contents can delude consumers into thinking they are not as drunk as they really are because one of the side effects of alcohol consumption is, of course, drowsiness. So far six deaths, all in college communities, have been directly linked to the consumption of the beverage which is sold by a company founded by recent college grads of Ohio State University.

But I can't help but think about every other person ever besides the six people that died. Have we really calculated the utility of Four Lokos correctly here? Having only briefly tasted one of these beverages I set out researching the internet, sending out inquiries via phone/email, taking personal testimonies, and conducting my own "scientific" experiment. The results I think may shed new light on the debate and perhaps even shock the scientific community and politicians of this nation.

My first discovery, mostly based on interviews, is that people are actually pretty good at distinguishing physical specifications like mass, volume, etc. When handed both a 12 oz weight as well as a 24 ounce one exactly 100% of tested subjects could identify the heavier object regardless of which hand the weight fell into. In fact, even lifting each object separately the subjects were able to identify the correct difference in mass. The same 100% accuracy accompanied a test to identify the larger of two containers. Subjects would repeatedly assure me, "That one is bigger." But how can you be sure I would inquire. "Because I'm not fucking blind," was probably the most common follow up response.

Removing the abstraction level completely I asked a local college student straight up how many Bud Light cans he would purchase for himself at the liquor store. "Probably a six pack." What about Four Lokos? "I guess like two." Why not six, I pressed? "Because I dont need six Four Lokos to get drunk." My eye brows wrinkled at this so he continued. "You know...because they have more alcohol and are like twice as big." How can you be so sure? Again that most common response...

"Because I'm not fucking blind."
Or other times the close variant..."Because I'm not fucking retarded."

At this point I scribbled "fascinating" into my notepad and underlined it like a pro. My second discovery in favor of Four Lokos came a little more incidentally. It turns out that drinking caffeine in correlation with alcohol does increase overall consumption which makes subjects more drunk over the course of the evening. But the concept I unveiled that may shock the scientific mindset is that drinking a lot is apparently pretty awesome. In fact, there seems to be at least a linear correlation between consumption plotted against sweet times.

One fan of Four Lokos regaled me of a time that she drank five over the course of the night. When I asked her to summarize her experiences she responded that it was, "The fucking most awesome shit show eva!" She added, "I think that's the night I fucked the shit out of the dude I was obsessing over for like a month." As a scientific assessment we have to take this figure with a percent uncertainty then, but it seems clear based on her testimony and others that a night of knocking back Four Lokos is a recipe for "fucking good shit, man."

Next I phoned up the scientists that conducted the experiments resulting in the ban while they were home as not to impede on their work schedules. One lab coat went on and on about their discoveries until I forcefully cut him off finally. Listen I said. All I wanna know is would you rather have been conducting the study OR a subject in it getting to drink a bunch of Four Lokos daily for the sake of science? Dr. Limnitz admitted to me then that "I would have killed to be in that study. Those people had a fucking blast. I mean I kept some cans left over and let me tell you...this shits the bomb."

At this point I had to follow up...individually...for the sake of science. I drank four Four Lokos over the course of an hour, and well I can't remember too much now. Luckily I kept my notebook nearby:

Dood. Dewd. Dauhde.
Fuck man. How do u spell dat fucking word?
But man. Man. U gotta listen ta me man.

Reading the above refreshed my memory of that brown out evening. And the more I think about it - drinking a bunch of Four Lokos that Saturday was a lot like Friday when I did a shit ton of Jagger Bombs, Soco shots, then went out and drank all night. I'm almost positive both nights were pretty fucking awesome. Again with only a slight percent uncertainty.

This scientific article doesn't have an abstract, or a body, any real science, so I'm not gonna bother with a conclusion. But here's a question instead to ponder especially for the state legislators.

Whats the point of outlawing upside down left handed masturbation in bathtubs?

*** Text has been made bold for extra scientific merit. Anything in bold is essentially ultra-science but in the least super-science. You know this is true because this too is in bold.***