Tuesday, January 25, 2011

You Know Your Dad Grew Up In A Soviet Occupied Country(Continued Again)...


If your dad is not Asian but proudly sports a fanny pack and a $3000 dollar camera so heavy that if not for its worth could be used to hammer in railroad spikes.

If whenever your name is called on a PA system, say to announce a placing at a swim meet, the guy first spends 2-3 minutes apologizing in advance for all the ancestors he's going to anathema with what he's about to do to your family name.

If while your brother was enjoying his Cookie Crisps your dad ever took a scale then some sugar and measured out the exact amount in his servings per week. As the scoops keep piling onto to what is quickly becoming a mountain your brother puts down his spoon and swallows hard. Then your dad leans right down to his tiny 7 year old ear. You can't quite make out what he says, but you can hear just enough and your brother's face affirms your hypothesis...."You're going to die."

If your mom has ever intervened into one of your dad's socio-political speeches with a "Don't listen to him boys. He's a Lenin loving commie bastard with a pitch fork still stuck up his ass."

If your dad isn't Asian but is a scientist.

If your dad ever watched a Clint Eastwood movie edited for TV where "bitch" is dubbed with "buster" and then when you accidentally drop a "Watch it buster!" a month later your dad shoves a bar of soap down your throat then heimlich manuvers it out with a series of gut punches reminiscent of Agent Smith vs. Neo. Ironically, you're wearing your "Buster Bear" t-shirt for as mentioned previous; its the only shirt you own.

If your dad has ever poured liquid nitrogen into the apartment swimming pool and watched gleefully as you and all the kids pranced around in the ensuing fog then eased the anguish of the Apartment Manager with a simple, "Trust me. I am a scientist."

If your dad has ever tried to convince you that prior to your birth, not so long ago, every world cup, chess tournament, war, nobel prize, monolith discovery, and unicorn siting were all won/done by your fellow country men. The internet is then invented and you start at the top of the list. It says here that we've never won the gold at the world cup. "YOU CALLING ME A LIAR?!?!?"

If the first time you saw Charlie and The Chocolate Factory with your family you asked "Hey! You think they're using the same recipe as us?" Then your dad responds, "I dunno son. Their cabbage soup looks like it might have a little meat in it. Spoiled bastards."

If your first pair of rollerblades came with a half can of opened tuna and a broken comb in them.

If you thought school lunch was fucking awesome!

If social services ever called your house after a particularly boisterous episode of wooden stirring spoon meets ass cheeks and asks you to cough or sniff if your dad is in the room with you. *cough*sniff*cough*sniff!!! (although the stirring spoon was mothers weapon of choice)

If your dad has ever turned away a door to door salesman pitching exercise equipment with a smile and the following: "I have two boys...They are very bad."

If you're not only resistant to common forms of mold and fungus, but actually accustomed to their taste.

If you've ever located your dad and his buddies on the tennis courts by filtering your sight on areas where there was the most amount of hairy man flesh and the least amount of clothing.

If you're not Asian but are well versed in the flavor and texture of beef tripe.

If your dad has never spent more than 1/18th his annual salary on a car, and said car is always a wagon...for optimal tools and farming equipment transport without succumbing to despicable American over gluttony ie SUV's and Trucks.

If your favorite toy as a child was Pine Cone, defender of Stick Land!

If your dad stops to salute anyone that even looks like they are tending to crops.

If your dad has ever fed you mushrooms right off the forest floor then appeased your mothers hyperventilation with a simple, "Trust me. I am a scientist."

If contractors come over to borrow tools from your dad.

If your dad is not Asian yet is a master of hand-to-face combat and the ways of ninja. Basically if he can karate chop you and your brother in the back of the head before your house guest lifts his eyelids from a blink. "What happened to them? Are they alright?" Yeah. They are just very tired from misbehaving all day. Maybe you two should go lie your heads down for a few minutes.

If the only time you've ever seen your dad without a beard is in a photograph on his bedroom wall from when he was 17 that he smiles at every morning because it brings him back to his psuedo hippie youth. Also if he has ever beat you for asking if that was his sister. Honest to god it was a fair question.

If instead of photographs and VHS tapes your best source of memorabilia from your youth is to pick up a John Steinbeck novel.

Friday, January 14, 2011

The New Zodiac

The Zodiac breakdown changed recently and people started freaking out. And by freaking out I mean making status updates. Then it turns out that if you're a westerner your zodiac is based on the seasons and not a constellation so absolutely nothing has changed.

To appease you even more I looked up all the horoscopes and noticed that all of them are identical anyway so you literally have nothing to worry about. See for yourself:

Sign Horoscope

Aries Get a life.
Taurus Get a life.
Gemini Get a life.
Cancer Get a life.
Leo Get a life.
Virgo Get a life.
Libra Get a life.
Scorpio Get a life.
Sagittarius Get a life.
Capricorn Get a life.
Aquarius Get a life.
Pisces Get a life.
The New One Get a life.

But how will you know what type of person you are? What sort of traits you have? Two options. Think about it for 2 seconds. Ask someone. And as for who you are compatible with in terms of a soul mate. Well. You saw your horoscope. You'll have to get a life first.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

American Irony Club

Reading can be difficult for some so we're bringing a new medium to this blog...