Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Metermaids and Radio

Metermaids and the radio have an eerie similarity for me. This commonality becomes apparent when you juxtapose each with other similar entities.

Take radio and compare it to other mediums of entertainment: radio, television, film. (I left out books from this discussion because I didn't feel like providing a link to the wikipedia page for books for all the people reading this that don't know what a book is). If you take a snapshot of everything any of these mediums presents us with currently its not a very good picture. Lets face it, most movies released these days blow. Most of TV is absolute garbage.

But about ten times a year I walk out of the theater with a smile on my face. And at least 30 nights a year I'm actually stocked about what will be on TV. A rough estimate is that 90% of what is on TV and the movie screens is trash, but 10% is bonafide quality entertainment.

Then we get to to radio. 90% of radio is a migraine. These tracks are okay at a club or a 12 year old girls birthday party. But why would I want to listen to them in my car? So that leaves 10%. 10% of the radio must be quality tunes, then right? No. Now we get to radio's special ubber suckitude.

The remaining 10% of the radio is songs I used to like. That's right. Radio is so bad, that not only is it littered with the worst tracks from around the nation...it destroys that which was once likable. I used to like Nirvana. Used to. Now I like about three Nirvana songs because I've heard every other song from their catalog at least 19 thousand times.

At this point their rendition of Lake of Fire makes me want to off myself. The irony in that sentence is actually about 9 dimensions deeper than you might think reading it for the first time. Other than Nikita Volchemkov, the foreign exchange student from Moldova who just stepped off his plane and onto U.S. soil for the first time, is there a single person in this fucking country that hears Jeremy come on the radio and thinks "Good song. Haven't heard this one in a while."? The highlight of any of my radio experiences is "Ha. Haven't heard this commercial yet."

If I forget my ipod I'll click through the 6 presets in my car then proceed to punch the power button with a tightly clenched fist. Then I clear my throat and belt out some tunes shamelessly. Possibly boy bands. If you're nearby and just as frustrated because Rooster is playing feel free to pull down your window and we can harmonize until this light turns green. Fuck you radio.


Now if radio can be compared to television and film, metermaids can be matched with serial rapists and Nazi generals. Now read that last sentence carefully. No. I don't think that a typical Nazi soldier or someone who only raped once is quite up to snuff with metermaids. You have to have made decisions to commit atrocities on more than one occasion. Lets face it. Nazi generals, serial rapists, and metermaids deserve to die. One can argue that the world would be a better place with them dead.

But so what makes metermaids special? I'll tell you. A metermaid dying actually makes me happy. It literally brings me joy. It makes my loins tingle. If my grandfather was executed at a camp or my daughter a rape victim then knowing their assailant was punished by death would make me feel justified, but not elated. Nothing would undo the history.

Whereas if I read the following headline: "Gang Chooses Metermaid for Murder Initiation" then its like hearing the punchline to an amazing joke. When metermaids die I unleash a fist pump that puts Leyton Hewitt's post Wimbledon win celebration to shame.

But Siggi. Nothing will bring back the money you lost on parking tickets. Who cares? That wart covered, troll tall, anti-bio, piece of rotting feces that looks up at the scum of society is now being eaten by worms. And then vomited out the same end because they can't pass anything that foul through their system.

Horatio: What have we got?
Forensics: Looks like a metermaid shot in the face.
Horatio: Hold on...Siggi. Horatio here. We got a dead metermaid here in Miami....ok....Yep.
Forensics: Who was that? What did he say?
Horatio: "I'm cumming right now."


Thursday, April 7, 2011

Things That Are Worse Than If The Black Eyed Peas Died In A Plane Crash


1. A genocide happens in Rwanda.

2. A plantation slave is separated from his family.

3. A soldier is killed fighting for his country.

4. A woman is diagnosed with cervical cancer.

5. A child goes to bed hungry.

6. The family dog breaths its last breath.

7. An athlete tears a MCL and is out for the season.

8. Your car gets smashed into while parked.

9. You get in a fight with your spouse.

10. Doing taxes.

11. You stub one of your toes on the curb.

12. Your foot itches and you're wearing shoes.

13. You have to scribble for a second to get the ink flowing from your pen.

14. A loud commercial.

15. The vending machine rejects your dollar the first time you try it.

16. You have to watch the credits to Bernie Mac before Malcolm In The Middle starts.

17. You have to put your foot down while at an intersection on your bike.

19. Going to “google.xom.”

20. Every single hick up.

21. A sneeze is coming so you get ready for it…then you don’t.

22. Some of the popcorn kernels don’t pop. One is burnt.

23. Getting change back from a store purchase. Its all quarters, but still. Now you have to carry them.

24. The only available urinal is the child sized one.

25. Every single use of the backspace key.

26. Your foot itches. You're not wearing shoes,...but still.

27. You get to the stop but the bus is still a block away. By the time you get your wallet out its still 20 feet off....so you wait.

28. Too much foam at the top of your beer.

29. A body temperature of 98.7 degrees.

30. You turn on the TV to watch your stories but it wasn’t left on the channel you planned on watching. Now you have to change it.

31. You land second place instead of first in the heart transplant list.

32. Any weekend chance of precipitation above 5% weighing on your mind.

33. You bring home two playful twins from the club, but even though they are identical one has a cute mole making her just slightly hotter than her sister.

34. Your hockey team is up 3-2. The other team pulls their goalie. Your team wins…but they don’t score an empty net goal.

35. You go to Wendy’s and order a ten piece chicken nugget. You get 11…but you’re just not that hungry.

36. You have to catch your breath after laughing hysterically for five minutes straight.

37. The store is all out of that thing you didn’t want.

38. You win the lottery but the money is at the bank, and they insist you have to come sign a form in person.

39. You find a genie. He will give you three wishes. Unlike the Genie from Aladdin he will in fact kill the Black Eyed Peas for you…but even he doesn’t have the power to erase your memory of their songs.

40. You realize that there are no more entries in this list after this one.