Thursday, September 29, 2011

Every Time I Visit Home





Dad: How are you doing these days?
Me: Actually recently...not too hot. I was sick for a few days and then I got a cough that's lasted almost two weeks. I think I might have whooping cough or something.
Dad: You don't have whooping cough.
Me: I don't?
Dad: No. In my village people would die in droves of whooping cough.
Me: Maybe it wasn't whooping cough. Its not always the same severity. I bet these were children.
Dad: Men. Soldiers. You don't have whooping cough. You would be coughing all day.
Me: I do. It gets worse--
Dad: You're breathing aren't you? You know what people died from when they got it? Their lungs would rip apart into two pieces. Sometimes more!
*he rips apart the orange he is eating and lets the pieces fall to the floor "dramatically" (its not dramatic because falling pieces of orange is never dramatic) *
Me: Can we change the subject?
Mom: Well I was meaning to ask. Do you want to go spear fishing with dad and Brian when it gets warm again?
Me: I've been home three times in the last 2 months. Every single time you ask me this. And I answer. But this time let me emphasize the inanity of your question. You're asking me if I would want to go fishing in like 8 months? Like actually three seasons from now.
Mom: Why can't we talk like a normal family? You always shut us out.
Me: Because its utter dejavu every time I am here. First I say something. Then dad starts making beyond absurd statements - queue flashback to communist Hungary. Meanwhile you sit in silence totally spaced out. And I see in your eyes that  you are running through a list of insipid questions to ask searching for the least dumb of the bunch. Which is mind boggling because you end up asking a question that merits entry into a sitcom script, and 90% of the time its a question you've asked at least a dozen times before. I don't even know if I can comprehend what the questions you don't deem worthy of asking are. Are they just a stream of random words followed by a question mark? Either way that's the reason we can't talk like a "normal" family. Cuz its just absurd statements followed by absurd questions.
Dad: I have never told a lie in my entire life. Mother would cut off a finger for a lie. And look! 10 fingers!
Mom: Why can't you just answer my questions without me asking them then?
Me: ....Am I the only one getting the irony here?
Dad: You're too young to know what irony is. Irony is standing on a muddy street with Soviet tanks rolling by splashing the dirty water in your face. That's irony!
* two minutes of awkward silence. She has that look in her eyes and then...*
Mom:  But listen! I was meaning to ask. I saw a movie the other day. It had that lady who's in a lot of films. She moves to LA to write or something...I can't remember. But then at the end she goes home, but her father is still angry about stuff. Have you seen that one?
Me: I....I have to go.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Entourage Is The Worst Show Ever

At least the worst show I have ever watched through. I have two guilty pleasures on TV. One of them is True Blood. I know its not good and must be a guilty pleasure because girls watch it too. Its really that simple.

Girl: Did you see blank?
Me: No.
Girl: Have you read blank?
Me: Nope.
Girl: Are you excited about blank?
Me: Never heard of it.
Girl: Do you watch True Blood?
Me: (scratches forehead for a moment)...yeah.
Girl: Omg it is sooooooooo good.
Me: Well. It used to be solid, now...
Girl: OMG. Who is your favorite character?
Me: Bill is the only consistently interesting character.
Girl: Ew. I hate Bill. He's so mean. I would never date him.
Me: That's what you...
Girl: I hate Tara even more.
Me: Well yeah. She's useless.
Girl: I mean who wears that top to a bar?
Me: ?
Girl: I would marry Alcide. Omg. He's my favorite. Except for Eric.
Me: Isn't Eric like meaner than Bill?
Girl: I would date him every time he takes his shirt off.
Me: I have to go.

Maybe it will never be as good as it used to in the first two seasons, but Alan Ball has something up his sleeve....right? Either way it can't possibly end as poorly as Entourage.

I was in the camp that wasn't too offended when Entourage stopped being funny. Its plot driven now. Whatever. Then I just hung in there in the last season. Who cares. Whats the worst that can happen? Apparently the answer is a swift kick to dick.

Entourage used to be introspective. It was a partial satire of the emptiness that is Hollywood. Vince was our good looking hero. He was also an embodiment of the problem. Will he see the reality of his ways? No. Because the writers of Entourage caught a wiff of their own farts and stopped breathing air opting for ass gas instead. And the side effects were that they lost their fucking minds.

How could a show that spent 3+ good seasons painting the excesses of showbizz take a shit on our faces like that?

E and Sloan are fighting. Solution: reforge your relationship on lies and here's a jet to take you wherever you want. Your dad will cut you off? Who cares? We're all rich here.

Is Turtle ever going to be anyone? Well he's rich now so....there's that.

Will Ari get back together with his wife? He needs to have that deep moment where he realizes what's been missing from his marriage. And ah-ha. I got it. Its not what was missing. Its what wasn't. We don't need more money. I'm rich. Lets just be fucking rich. I love you honey.

Vince. Which ring would you like to buy for your fiance you met 48 hours ago? The expensive one...because she's an intelligent woman....and I'm rich.

The closing shot is a private jet on its way to Paris on which sits every character whose problems have vanished because they all realized they were rich. It's like the exact opposite of boats beating on against the current.

And I sat there and waited for the plane to crash. No dice. Then I waited for the following scene:

Captain: There's too much gold on this plane. We have to shed some weight or we'll crash. At least 180 pounds need to be dumped to stabilize.
Turtle: What do we do, Vince?
Vince: Drama.
Drama: Yeah baby bro?
Vince: How much do you weigh?

Fade out.

Now that's a real fucking ending.